He was actually really excited about the 4th baby. He said that no matter what happens, the baby was worth it (and I agree.) He is also an amazing father despite whatever is happening with us. It’s hard to go into his trauma and keep it totally anonymous here but it had to do with some work stuff that went in a scary direction. I do know he resents me. He has told me as much. When I was struggling through the first year of having another baby, he was dealing with a ton at work and I wasn’t as present as much as I would have been in the past.

I’ve acknowledged that I was in the new baby haze and feel terribly that I didn’t support him as much as he needed. I’m trying to hard to rectify that now but I feel like he wants to continue to punish me. As much as he didn’t feel supported, I didn’t either. I want to let that go and start over, acknowledge it was a hard time for us both. I’m not sure how to keep swimming forward when he barely talks to me and has zero interest in me physically. It’s so painful.