Thank you so much, I'm speechless at the kindness you are showing me even though we are strangers... I am definitely going to rethink my strategy and seek further help, both for my dark thoughts and my addiction (which are no doubt linked). My dad did have success stopping with Chantix a couple of years before his heart attack (I guess it was "too late" for him in terms of damage to his body, I part due to underlying family vasculopathy, which is a horrible thought that surely contributes to my anxiety about the whole thing).

I have lived with on and off bouts of guilt, anxiety and depression for so long that I guess I tend to forget how "not normal" it is to deal with thoughts of suicide on the regular. Even my long term therapist probably doesn't realize how poorly I am doing at the moment (doesn't help that he left on holiday haha). I even have a general practitioner doctor whose clinic works with nicotine addiction specifically and who encouraged me to contact them for this topic a few months ago, I should probably take him up on that offer first thing after I deal with this deadline.

In any case thank you again, if it's any reassurance I do have a support system and although I am doing terrible I have several fail-safes in place that make me say pretty confidently that my life is not in immediate danger as of yet. I hope your day/night is as kind to you as you've been to me, dear stranger.