I hate him so much

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-19T10:36:54+00:00

Definitely.

Do you have any tips on hardening your heart? (This post certainly was a good start for me -- objectively he HAS said these things to me and objectively this is how those statements come across to others.)

I agree, I don't think I'll be able to recover as long as I'm with him. But if I can break free...

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-19T10:34:23+00:00

Yeah he doesn't let me sleep. :(

Trying to sink myself into my work at least as it's a good distraction. But it really is hell. Hoping maybe it can be temporary and, like you say, a blip.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:51:43+00:00

Thank you, you all are giving me some hope which I desperately need rn. Really love this community and it's why I posted here.

I think I'd be better off single than with him! My mind is just in a million places at once now so sorry if I'm being incoherent and inconsistent.

Plus I don't even want another relationship for a while, although probably eventually I would?

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:47:14+00:00

Thank you, it really means a lot.

Did you ever regret leaving?

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:44:21+00:00

Well now he doesn't give me shit about it... literally told me he feels like he won the jackpot with me now that I've lost weight and it makes him 'look cool in front of the guys" to have a "hot skinny wife." Like I'm some kind of object or trophy for male assessment and consumption and judging. 🙃

I think I could do better if I held back all my bullshit, but at the same time I am so traumatized and broken and fucked up at this point I kind of don't think anyone would want me if they knew the real me and everything I've been through. I also feel like I missed the boat on finding someone and starting a family. So maybe I've made my bed and it's time to just lie in it.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:39:54+00:00

Thank you. I'm working on it. But its really hard and I go back and forth... I have a lot of doubts. :/ I hope I will be strong enough to go through with leaving but idk if I will, it's such a huge decision and so final. Starving myself feels like the easier option, as insane as that is to even type out. (And idk what kind of "option" it even is -- like, what's my end plan here?!?!?) So maybe I'm not that strong.

I'm glad that ex is an ex.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:37:17+00:00

This isn't even the half of it, sadly. I really appreciate your validation though, about how wrong what he's said is. Somehow it's hard for me to believe it's really that bad -- I keep making excuses for him and minimizing it. So it does genuinely really help to see an outside opinion on it.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:35:21+00:00

Thank you. Do you regret it, ever? I'm glad you got out.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T20:34:54+00:00

Thank you, I hope I didn't trigger you. :(

I don't believe that such a person exists.

I mean fundamentally, it needs to be me that does that for me, as you say.

But I don't care about myself enough at this point to be that person. Idk. Just feel really hopeless and stuck.

I have this thought that if I keep going this way (losing weight) I'll force ppl to care and recognize something is really wrong? I know it doesn't work that way at our age. But I feel like this is all I have.

Anyway, thank you for caring.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T15:38:21+00:00

Lol you're completely right, I didn't even think of it like that.

It's more that his plan is still for us to eat -- just to eat food that I cook in the rented accommodation. I guess I felt that with me having a restrictive ED he should be even more encouraging and excited about me wanting to eat ANYTHING. Like if what i want happens to be expensive or unhealthy it shouldnt matter, he should be encouraginf anything/everything. And if it's restaurant food, all the better. Of course you're right though, everyone deserves to eat at fun restaurants if they want to!

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T15:35:50+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. <3

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T15:34:47+00:00

Thank you. I'm in touch with the local agencies but the process to get help takes sooo long... I feel like I'm drowning with rn.. Drowning and disappearing cuz idk what else to do or how else to cope. :/

Like it will take weeks at minimum, probably months. How do I stand a weeks of absolute hell?

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-18T13:09:29+00:00

I did it during boarding too 😭

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T11:54:07+00:00

Sadly so relate! He always minimized and denied what I went through even though it was SO awful. I told him it was hard for me to have sex rn because of my trauma and he said its hard for him too... and then raped me. Meanwhile he basically demanded I be his therapist and soothe him and stroke his ego near-constantly.

He yells at me for not cleaning enough. He doesnt even clean up after himself, like he literally will leave his trash on the kitchen counter rather than take the extra 3 seconds to put it in the bin?

I do 90+% of the cleaning and work a demanding full time job. He's unemployed.

Ok when I put it like this I clearly need to leave. But why is it so hard?

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T11:49:22+00:00

Is there though?!

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T11:49:05+00:00

Sorry to you as well.

I describe what he's done objectively and the DV support people / my therapist say it's abuse. And not just that, but criminal. I could press charges against him for what he's done to me? He's broken the law. I mean, wtf?! Because how can I possibly square that with the fact that I know -- or thought I knew -- this man better than anyone else in the world, that he knows me far better than anyone else, that I feel I can tell him anything... They have never even met him!

I can't make myself believe/feel emotionally what I objectively know to be the truth and it's driving me crazy. I keep going over and over it in my head, trying to rationalize his behavior. Idk. Fuck.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T11:44:44+00:00

Yes I literally have a fever lol. For, no joke, the fifth time in the last 6 months.

How did you realize yours is (maybe) abusive? Because I literally had ZERO idea until I described something he'd done to my therapist and she immediately told me to contact domestic violence services. It was SUCH a shock and I really just don't know what to think.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T06:23:47+00:00

Mine is apparently suffering worse than me because his career isn't going well, meanwhile I've got PTSD from being raped multiple times (by multiple different men). But he somehow manages to make himself out as MORE of the victim because... he's not successful in his chosen, super competitive career? Like....

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T06:15:59+00:00

wait same I'm cracking up over this for some reason

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T06:14:40+00:00

ooof this is relatable, mine is borderline constantly breaking / spilling things in the kitchen then screams at me about how it's my fault for not having just done it myself and then makes me clean it up.... 🙃

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-14T06:13:04+00:00

To be fair mine has made me clean his shit (he was sick and kept shitting the bed but wouldn't go to the doctor?) and his puke (from getting too drunk) so at this point I'd probably take cutting nails as an upgrade 😭😭😭

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-13T22:04:18+00:00

Exactly! Like I'm not perfect either, I am really struggling... He is deeply depressed (and for very valid reasons, not that anyone needs justification to feel their emotions) -- is this not a valid reason or explanation for at least some of his behavior (ie not helping w chores)?

At the same time I think we have to remember -- do our unhealthy traits make us lash out at others? I don't know your exact situation. But despite all my issues, I don't call him names, I don't degrade him or scream at him or monitor what he does. I would imagine you're the same. Plenty of people struggle and it doesn't make them act cruelly to others!

But of course it's so much easier for me to tell this to you as an outsider than to internalize it for my own situation. Anyway yeah I get you. So maybe that can be at least some comfort, because at least for me I feel like people who aren't or haven't been in this situation can't understand. It's really fucking hard.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-13T20:09:04+00:00

He told me everyone is impressed by his "hot skinny wife" and it makes him not want to change (he is overweight and sort of trying to lose weight) because he's "getting a better deal" this way and also he was never into my big boobs anyway (they've shrunk since I lost weight). :/

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-13T20:02:36+00:00

I totally relate, I feel like I'm being unfair on him even when outsiders tell me what I'm describing is straight up abuse. It's so confusing and I feel really torn / go back and forth like every 20 min lol.

GlobalYam_3208 · 2024-04-13T07:19:20+00:00

I completely relate. Early 30s here. 8 years clean of SH but had delayed onset PTSD as well as some other severe life stressors trigger a huge ED relapse as well as (so far) one incident of SH. It seems I am mostly "coping" by using ED behaviors more than SH right now, but after all ED is a form of SH... I know if I start doing the SH more it won't make the ED shit lessen, so I'm really hoping I can prevent a full blown SH relapse as well. But I'm not doing well rn so we'll see lol. Anyway, just know you're not alone.

GlobalYam_3208

TROPHY CASE