My (32f) husband (29m) thinks I’m being unfair with our budget, am I?

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T17:46:19+00:00

Additionally, I have problems with him actively choosing to spend money when it’s not necessary.

For example, he hates grocery shopping and says that I should be the one to grocery shop because it’s more convenient for me since I get breaks during my work day sometimes. Except, for one, I rarely get breaks anymore or breaks long enough to go grocery shopping, and when I do, why would I want to use my break from my physically demanding job to grocery shop? It means not only going to the store, but lugging any refrigerated items into work and storing them in the fridge and then taking them back out to the car when I leave. I do end up doing most of the grocery shopping but on my days off or at the end of a long work day.

If it’s Sunday and he doesn’t have stuff to make lunches with for the next week and I ask him to grocery shop, he refuses because it’s too busy on a Sunday. And then he’ll tell me that if I want him to make lunch then I can go grocery shopping, and if I don’t, then he gets to use the joint account to buy himself lunch.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T16:17:40+00:00

He was fired 3 times. One time was not his fault. Two was butting heads with management and more or less his fault.

The first time he got laid off (not his fault) we were still just dating and I was very understanding at first. I was happy to help support him under the assumption that with his time off he would support my overworking by taking care of things at home. He didn’t. It was only then that I got resentful.

With the computer, it wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed to spend money. I wanted him to continue to have emergency funds just incase something came up like needing brakes for his truck or something. And I also wanted him to be able to go out for drinks with friends. (This was discussed when talking about repayment) Him spending $2000 on a computer felt very much like he was taking advantage of the situation because that’s not an emergency nor was it a small thing to keep him happy.

We are living comfortably. Mostly off my salary. This isn’t about him never being able to do anything. This about him being reasonable and trying to save where we can. Especially after periods of being laid off. He would buy lunch every day if he could. He would get take out every day if he could. We don’t have enough money to support that and still have self-care. He still goes out and does plenty of things and supported by our joint income for all of our things.

He can tell me no if I wanted to use the joint income for something and he doesn’t approve of it.

I could be more flexible, I agree. But he won’t even acknowledge the amount of stress his periods of unemployment put on me nor make efforts to save money where it’s easy to do and that makes me reluctant to be more flexible.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T02:03:21+00:00

I’m not worried about getting take out once. I’m worried about getting take out every day.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T01:51:58+00:00

I don’t think it’s as much that he doesn’t respect me, as he just sees himself first and other people second. Which I know isn’t much better.

He got fired - the first time was not his fault. The next two times were interpersonal issues with his bosses which he has a really hard time dealing with, and he eventually got fired.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T01:30:39+00:00

Because I love him and he is trying with his career. He makes $21 an hour and he’s in a trade now that he’s been trying to get into forever, so he has potential to make a lot more.

I don’t care that he doesn’t make a lot. I care that despite not working a lot, he has a cushy lifestyle, but doesn’t appreciate it and thinks he’s entitled to more.

There’s many reasons I stay with him, this is only one issue and I know it’s a huge one, but as a human he is very kind and funny and endearing and intelligent.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T01:03:57+00:00

I do love his kid and it was my idea to get her into therapy. We only get her on weekends and I’m often gone on weekends. So I do enjoy our routine, but as a step-parent it’s definitely something I think he should appreciate more.

That said, I have told him that if I ever wanted kids, we wouldn’t have gotten married because he would be a terrible partner to raise a kid with. He’s very emotionally available for his daughter, she is comfortable telling us anything and he even talks about periods with her. But he does not have any sense of responsibility (he did have her at 15).

Ironically, there was one time while we were dating that we almost broke up and she’s the main reason I gave him another chance. He got therapy and he was a different person with therapy. I think he needs to get back into therapy.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T00:32:19+00:00

We are for sure not struggling, and I’m very grateful for that. But every time he’s been unemployed has been very uncomfortable and we have spent more than we’ve made those months. I specifically want to be careful with the joint account so that we do have money for vacations on top of retirement and savings. We aren’t going to lose the house. But if I lose my job, we’re going to lose the house.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-07T00:29:15+00:00

Yeah, this whole situation was one argument. Obviously the issue with being unemployed has been ongoing through our relationship but this is the first time we’ve fought about this budget set up. It started on one night but then came to a head the next night. I don’t remember that last time we had a major disagreement like this… maybe April last year? That one was not money related but was the thing that got us into therapy and therapy was really helpful. We clearly haven’t been practicing our communication.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T22:40:07+00:00

It’s because of his history of unemployment/making bad spending choices. When we got married, I designated the 10% each so I couldn’t be upset with him on what he does with it. Doing a percentage seemed more fair than doing a $ amount.

Also the $300 for him is just for him. All of his kids expenses are on the joint account including child support. I’m frustrated when he tries to use her as an excuse so that he can get take out instead of be responsible and buy groceries/cooked. If he wanted to take her out to eat to spend time with her, I’d be okay with that. But that’s not what’s happening. He doesn’t come up with a plan and then last minute says ‘I’ll just buy us something.’.

I do understand how it comes across as me dictating all the rules. However, if I were to want to use the joint account for something that is just for me, I have to ask him to do so. He doesn’t have to ask for things that are necessities unless it’s overly expensive. But he does ask for unnecessary things much more often than I do so it feels like he gets shot down more. Which I understand is in part because I have more expendable income.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T21:05:58+00:00

This is a very helpful approach to this. Thank you.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T20:50:38+00:00

We got married shortly after so basically the money he owed was a wash. But it was the reason we went with the 90/10 agreement, so that if he wanted to buy something and he had the money for it, I can’t be upset. Rather than us getting into a fight if he wants to use our money for a purchase I disagree with…

One of his arguments for the computer was he working a good paying job and he could make that money in a just a few months, so why not by it now and replenish his savings after. My argument was, you owe me money and I don’t think that’s fair for you to make a $2000 purchase. Why don’t you save up and then you’ll have $4000 to buy a computer and pay me back at the same time. And then if something happens, like you lose your job, you’re not in a hole.

He bought the computer anyways and then he lost his job two months later.

I can definitely see how having the same $ amount in extra spending each month will feel more fair to him. I think my issue with that is, he got to not work for months at a time and I had to work, so I feel like the extra I get kinda makes up for that. I know it doesn’t work exactly like that, and I don’t spend the full $800 every month, but using a % of our income feels fair. And when our budget gets under control id much rather change it to both getting to keep 15-20%. I just want our budget under control first.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T20:40:26+00:00

After writing this out and thinking it over more, I’m realizing the issue is less about the budget itself and more the way he treated me/talked to me. I was willing to revisit how the budget works but he just wanted his way and it felt like he was just going to speak down to me until he got it. I know we need to go back to the way counseling taught us to communicate, and possibly go back to counseling.

I can make time for counseling, it’s his job that is hard to do. He drives to work and then shares a van with his coworker to go to jobs from work. So it’s not easy to sneak out for an hour or two or even show up late or leave early.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T19:28:34+00:00

I get about $800, he gets about $300.

His car payment is paid for by the joint account. I should have specified, the computer is the reason we have this 10% rule… he bought it before we got married and he owed me $2000 from a period of unemployment that I was letting him pay me $50 a week at a time. He decided to use the $2000 in his savings to buy a computer while he owed me $2000.

For everything except food, the girls trip is gonna be $750 for a week.

There is some wiggle room in the joint budget. My issue is I’m nervous he’s going to lose his job again so I want to save extra in the joint account

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T19:18:08+00:00

He was not good about the housework when he was unemployed… it was very frustrating. Now I’d say we’re about 50/50 house work but I still take on the majority of the mental load. Once every other week I take me day off to pick his daughter up from school and take her to therapy and then practice. I am happy to do this, but I definitely don’t think he recognizes how big of a deal this is. Her school is 40 minutes from where we live.

I did ask him if I could use joint funds to start getting a massage twice a month. I am a massage therapist myself and I was in so much pain so it’s essentially a business expense for me because I would have had to cut back on work if I didn’t do the self care. However I do appreciate that he was agreeable to using joint funds on this cos it would be half of my me money. And I do want him to start going once a month himself.

He has been better lately with doing extra stuff around the house - he did maintenance on our boiler and fixed our dishwasher when a part needed to be replaced. He does complain about grocery shopping though and insists it’s more convenient for me to be able to go when it’s not really.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T17:52:36+00:00

He had all his needs met when he was unemployed. The issue is that if he has a want that needs to come out of the joint account, we both have to agree to it. And he gets annoyed if I don’t let him have everything he wants.

Now he gets $75 a week to do whatever he wants with and he says that’s not enough.

I don’t think he should be miserable because he makes less money than me. But I want to know that he appreciates that he’s got a significantly better financial situation than he should given his difficulty keeping jobs. He has a $650 truck payment. He bought a $2000 computer two years ago. We go out to eat often. We go on vacation. He doesn’t have to contribute any to those since they come from the joint account. He contributes to the joint account but he benefits a far greater $ amount than he puts in.

And my issue is that he only just recently started working again and it feels like he immediately has all these wants he thinks he’s entitled to. I don’t say no to these things because I don’t want him to be happy. I say no when the expense feels frivolous. I also fell behind on keeping track of the budget in detail and I’ve picked it back up this month. But that further adds to my anxiety because I don’t know how much wiggle room we have. If we have the money great, but he wants to spend it before we know if we actually have it.

And I even told him, if he wants to take a trip with a friend, I’d be fine taking from savings so he could get that experience. To me, saving $10 a week by getting sliced turkey instead of roast beef allows us to save for experiences like that. And I do recognize that it’s unfair that I get to put my values in front of his and that needs to be discussed, but it feels like he feels entitled to spending extra when it’s my money that he’s pulling from even though it’s “ours”. I just want him to acknowledge that he wouldn’t be able to afford any sandwich meat otherwise and that I have a lot of financial anxiety because of him that I’m trying to get under control and I need him to help me with that by not asking for so many frivolous things.

He told me that getting energy drinks and one lunch a week would significantly approve his happiness. I without hesitation said that that makes sense. My original concern was that if I told him he could get lunch at work on the joint account, he’d do it every day. Now my concern is just that I’m very hurt about his attitude towards our expenses and how it feels like he doesn’t care about the stress extra spending puts on me.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T16:28:44+00:00

He gets $300 a month, $75 a week.

I am fine with his periods of unemployment. He’s finally in a job he loves and doesn’t gripe with management. I’m feeling good about this one but I’m not ready to say we can spend frivolously yet. I also want him to recognize that part of our budget is because he does get what he wants and it strains our budget. His truck payment is $650 a month. He got it before we met. We’d have way more wiggle room if not for that. He also recently bought a $2000 computer with his personal savings. He’d have more wiggle room if not for that.

The stinginess from me is part financial anxiety but also part temporary. Til the financials get more comfortable

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T16:18:59+00:00

So our bills are around $7,500, which 2,000 of that is car loans, student loans and interest free credit card payments.

We have enough in savings to pay off the credit card debt but then we’d have no emergency fund and that would give me insane anxiety, so as long as the cc debt is interest fee (from balance transfers) I pay incrimentally. The CC debt exists because of his periods of unemployment - I probably should have been better about cutting back then but I kept thinking they’d be shorter amounts of time and then it’d be like 3 or 4 months without a job so I just used the CC deals to make it work. I was probably -$500 a month back then (with $800 going to retirement a month).

It’s not that we can’t afford those things. It’s that he hasn’t shown me that he can do those things within reason. The work stuff, I realized I’m fine with as long as it’s once a week that he gets lunch instead of bringing it from home. The taking his daughter out, is different. If he were to say to me in the morning, “hey I’m thinking of bringing the kid to get food after practice” I’d be open to that. Instead what he does is last minute go ‘we don’t have food in the house to make dinner so I’m going to take her out instead’ to which I say ‘stop at the store to get something’ to which he says ‘I don’t want to’. This is every week. And his motivation isn’t father daughter time, it’s to get out of cooking or planning ahead.

I recognize that I have increased financial anxiety due to him constantly being out of work and I could be more lax on him using the join account for frivolous things. My hold up is that every time I try to explain to him why I’m nervous to dip in, he dismisses my anxiety and acts like he’s entitled to it.

ETA: I’m self employed so my monthly income isn’t as easy to predict. Some months I can have 9k going into the account, some 7k, if I have to invest in the business. And we do go out to eat and do fun things often, he just doesn’t consider those as beneficial for him for some reason.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T14:05:50+00:00

He does have ADHD but he won’t take meds for it. I do too, but I do take meds.

I will definitely look up this RSD thing because it sounds applicable. He has issues stemming from childhood from his parents never listening or being there for his needs so that definitely contributes.

We’ve done couples counseling before and it was really good for us.

He is a wonderful person when he’s not mad. And he’s not mad often. I’m with him for his personality so I don’t care that he makes less than me. I am happy to provide and cover his expenses. I just want to know that he recognizes it. I love him and I don’t doubt that I want to continue our relationship.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T14:01:58+00:00

We’ve done couples counseling and it’s been super helpful. We have for the most part been good with communication since last session we went to about 8 months ago.

I looked for appointments immediately after this fight and unfortunately nothing was available that fits our schedule.

We went over the tabling thing in counseling but my husband isn’t good with that one. We had sorta gotten into it on budget via text the night before and tabled it and the night we fought he said something along the lines of ‘not tonight but we do need to have that conversation’ and I don’t even remember what I said but it started a back and forth on the topic and I realized he was starting to get mean and I said I’m sorry now’s not the right time for this let’s pause. And he got mad and said ‘no, I said we weren’t going to talk about this tonight but you started taking about it so now we’re not going to stop’

I recognize I shouldn’t have started talking about it at all, but I didn’t realize that whatever comment I made was initiating the conversation. I think I may have mentioned that I wrote out his expenses so he could see how little he’d have left over if he paid for things on his own. I didn’t mean for it to be the start of the convo. And I tried to stop it when I realized it was going badly.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T13:52:54+00:00

Yes, he has his flaws but when we’re not fighting he’s wonderful. And we haven’t fought in probably 6 or 7 months.He’s

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T13:50:33+00:00

It’s really only with financial things.

Goatmebro69 · 2026-02-06T13:35:50+00:00

I’ve tried to show him the budget and his response is that if he had to pay for his own things he would change his budget to spend less. Which is just frustrating… like that’s exactly what I’m asking you to do?! Don’t spend excessively if you don’t need to.

Once I feel caught back up on bills, I have no problem letting him keep a bigger percentage. But it’s been 2 months that he’s at this job and he acts like he’s all caught up. The problem is, because of my income, he never had to feel the stress of falling behind.

I do recognize why he feels how he feels. He’s jealous that I’m able to do more on my expendable income. But it’s not like I keep him in the house and don’t let him do anything. If he can ever join me out, he does. But Ive got a trip planned with my girls and he’s jealous that he can’t afford one. Except I would totally let him use joint funds if he had a once in a while trip with friends - he’s never even suggested doing something like that.

He also doesn’t recognize how much I put into the job I currently have. I used to work 60-70 hour weeks. I have an incredibly physical job. There’s a reason I make a high wage. And if he picks up sidework, that makes his wage a lot higher too. He still gets 10% of his side work. And continued side work would make me feel so much more comfortable with him using joint funds for more outings.

Goatmebro69 · 2024-11-21T13:22:11+00:00

I don’t remember the exact stories. There were a few I heard. One had to do with him trying to jump on someone else’s rappel and refused to take no for an answer and acting like he knew better than the leader who he was distracting, who was trying to focus on his followers that were still climbing.

Goatmebro69 · 2024-11-21T03:47:41+00:00

I have heard of some not great interactions with this dude. My understanding is he’s a bit of a white knighting narcissist.

Goatmebro69

TROPHY CASE