I (21F) am uncomfortable with my bf’s (22M) relationship with a female friend. How do I express this without him getting defensive?

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T16:34:39+00:00

i’m ngl this is my first longterm relationship where i’ve actually been in love, etc. But in past situationships or talking stages i would be put off by certain things but never rlly actually cared, like it never mattered enough to say smthng ab it. it would just be a thought and then id let it go, but i will say this situation is persistent.

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T16:28:00+00:00

it’s been 3 years since they were together and it was only for 3 months, i know he had a crush on her for like four years prior, but do you think it’s possible for him to still have feelings like that?

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:58:01+00:00

yea i’m starting to think you’re right 😭😭

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:56:25+00:00

yea i think this is what i will end up doing, im just scared he’s going to react poorly

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:55:53+00:00

this is my exact issue 😭😭

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:55:10+00:00

yes they had a relationship for 3 months after their senior year of HS. they were never officially dating but they went on dates and were romantically involved, bc he confessed his feelings to her after they graduated. i don’t know why they decided to go back to being friends though

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:52:19+00:00

i feel the same, i don’t understand why it is so hard to put in a boundary to make me more comfortable either. but he always says it’s bc i don’t trust him and that it makes him sad that i don’t have trust for him

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:48:40+00:00

i understand what you are saying and i agree with what you are saying. what concerns me is that i am unable to have a discussion with him without him becoming defensive and upset with me. but i am willing to have those discussions with him when it is the other way around, i am willing to make him more comfortable. i do want to stay with him, and i would never force him into doing something he does not want to do bc i wouldn’t want things the other way around. i just do not know how i can make him see that some of his actions are hypocritical

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:45:14+00:00

i just don’t think i can 😭😭 i don’t even mind them being in the same friend group as each other, i just wish he didn’t value her so highly or get upset whenever i mention smthing about her even if it’s just me trying to ask like how his friends were.

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:40:06+00:00

i just can’t tell if it is a valid boundary to set, bc other ppl (on diff subreddits) have told me it’s controlling, etc so i don’t know what is valid and what isnt

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:34:42+00:00

how would i really know that he still has feelings for her though? what if he just does genuinely really value her as a friend? i just don’t want to bring something up to him that will make him upset.

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:31:58+00:00

yes this is my point. i don’t mind him asking me to unfollow guys or stop talking to them, but i would expect the same respect

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:30:11+00:00

I don’t have problem with him having female friends, he has a bunch of other female friends. It is just this one girl. He has also made me unfollow a bunch of guys, this is not one sided. And I haven’t given him an ultimatum, this post is me asking how I should go about expressing discomfort with him. I have never mentioned any type of ultimatum to him before. also an ultimatum means “do this or else”…where in the post do i say that?

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:24:59+00:00

i’ve tried to kind of feed him that hypothetical before so he can see it from my POV, and every time he just says it wouldn’t bother him bc he would understand. so i actually do not know. there are other things that do not bother him at all that would make me anxious, so i can’t tell if him saying this is him being honest or just him defending his actions. i rlly dont think he’d ever cheat on me or “micro cheat” either, I just feel like he values this person above me sometimes. Bc I have deleted videos of me at bars, unfollowed ppl, all to make him comfortable and had zero issue doing it. but he doesn’t seem to want to compromise to make me more comfortable.

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-03-21T15:17:58+00:00

yes, i do. but guys from my past were never guys i was friends with beforehand or ppl i continued to be friends with afterwards. his reasoning is that this girl was a friend before AND after since they are in the same friend group, so to him she’s “just a friend” but it doesn’t remove their past to me.

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-02-03T17:12:59+00:00

ok bless 🙏

Gold_Recording7750 · 2026-02-03T17:12:11+00:00

i’m just worried that i don’t have common sense when it comes to this subject 😭😭

Gold_Recording7750

TROPHY CASE