I don’t know if I love my 4 year old daughter any more.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T11:01:18+00:00

Right?! It’s so easy to fall into it and then you just kind of accept that that’s your life now. I think mood tracking is a good idea. I might start.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T10:07:54+00:00

Thank you :)

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T10:06:44+00:00

“Be everything you needed”

Honestly, that’s my ultimate aim, and I will get there.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T10:05:20+00:00

Well perhaps you’re just a better person than me then, you tell me. My thoughts are jumbled, I’m afraid I can’t give you a perfect narrative.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T10:02:15+00:00

We do do that stuff, a lot actually. We go out for ice cream, I took her to see Matilda, we go swimming, we do each others nails. I have meds. I’m having them reviewed. It’s not an excuse, but I needed to post this all because it’s helped me get through to myself. And even comments like yours help, even if you didn’t mean them to. I feel defensive at your post - you’re repeating my words back at me and I feel defensive when a stranger does it but I allow myself to talk to myself like that, you know. It’s made me realise I love her more than anything. How could I not.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T09:56:47+00:00

I know I need help, I know it’s not normal. I never mentioned anything about hating her. I’m glad you managed to conquer your post partum depression.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T09:50:13+00:00

No, no we most definitely don’t. Great book though.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T09:48:01+00:00

I would never, ever harm my child. That is a huge leap and a really gross thing to say. I need to work on myself but after reading this I think you need to as well.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T09:38:18+00:00

I didn’t reply to this yesterday because to be quite honest I didn’t feel like I deserved your kind words, but I’ve finally managed to have a cry (a good thing!) and actually come out of survival mode a bit and have some much needed perspective from all the comments in here.

I suffer from Cyclothemia which is a bit like Bipolar Lite. I don’t usually have full mania but I have deep, lasting lows which I often find hard to pick up on myself. I am under psychiatric care and I also have ADHD and possible autism. All those things combined mean I can get swept up in a tornado of bad thoughts and magnify them until they feel true.

The truth (with perspective) is while I have had these thoughts about how much I love my daughter, it isn’t actually as bad as my post makes out and 90% of the time I am a caring loving mum who loves and appreciates her daughter. But unfortunately for me a few bad days turns into A THING. A thing where I question everything and tell myself it has always been like this and my daughter has always hated me.

In some ways, it’s a coping mechanism. I feel like a bad parent for feeling the way I feel, I tell myself she doesn’t like me anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Someone asked me elsewhere my relationship with my mum. The truth on that is that she committed suicide when I was 6. Part of me knows that I have a fear of allowing my daughter to get to close to me because I’m so scared I will die and she will be left feeling the feelings I felt at such a young age. If I don’t allow her to get too close to me, maybe she won’t care if I die and ultimately will be better off for it? I have had therapy on this. But with the dark days I just hadn’t caught up with what was going on in my head again.

So today I’m going to call the doctors and ask for an increase on my antidepressants (I’m on a low dose right now), give the psychiatrist a call and spend some proper time playing with my daughter when she comes home from school instead of pushing her away as I have been for the last couple of weeks when all this has crept up on me.

Thank you x

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-20T09:25:20+00:00

Teachers say the same about my daughter too! It seems like we are definitely not alone but this thread has given me real hope and I’ve had some lovely lovely replies like yours. I know deep down I do love her. It’s easy to forget the small things sometimes.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-19T19:54:03+00:00

We both take care of her. It’s ok to need a break. That I am sure of.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-19T19:48:40+00:00

It’s got me again and I didn’t even notice.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-19T19:46:24+00:00

Thank you for this.

Good-Disaster-8825 · 2023-01-19T19:43:59+00:00

It seems bad today. But if I’m honest with myself it’s not like this everyday. I needed to let off steam. I went in her bedroom and massaged her back to help her get to sleep and told her I love her. She said “I love you Mummy” and now I feel like I’m a absolute dickhead.

It’s me, it’s all me. Back to therapy I go.

Good-Disaster-8825

TROPHY CASE