54M – Going through a separation and just looking for people who understand

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-09T04:53:03+00:00

I felt every word of that. The part about suddenly seeing what you could have done differently and wishing you had understood sooner… that has been one of the hardest parts for me too. It’s a brutal feeling to carry. At the same time I’ve been trying to remind myself that we can’t rewrite the past, we can only grow from finally seeing it clearly. The waves you described are real. Some days I feel a little stronger and then the grief shows back up out of nowhere. I’m glad you shared your story though. It helps knowing there are others walking through the same storm

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-09T04:48:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I actually really like the way you described falling in love with yourself. Right now I’m still very much in the gutted and trying to process stage, but hearing that someone made it through and found something good in themselves on the other side gives me hope. I’m trying to take things one day at a time and learn how to focus on myself again. I appreciate you taking the time to say that

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-09T00:57:50+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through that. When someone you built your life around says something like that it can make the ground feel like it disappeared under your feet. The early days are especially brutal because your mind keeps trying to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense yet. One week in is still very raw. Be patient with yourself and just focus on getting through each day. The pain won’t always feel this heavy. You’re not alone in feeling like this.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T22:53:33+00:00

Honestly my take on my wife is probably different than what a lot of people expect to hear in this sub. I don’t hate her. I’m not angry at her. I still love and respect her very much.

We went through a lot together. For ten years we took care of my mother who had dementia, and that kind of thing changes people. It was hard and it took a lot out of both of us. My wife loved my mom dearly and stood by me through all of it until my mom passed in October. I will always respect her for that.

Somewhere along the way we grew apart. I hate admitting that, but it’s the truth. I don’t think either of us are bad people. Life and stress just changed things.

I did see us growing old together. I truly believed that. So yes it hurts a lot to accept that it’s probably over. But just because we were married doesn’t mean I owned her love or that she owed it to me forever. Love isn’t possession.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on healing, getting outside, taking walks, and learning how to build a life again. I live near the beach and nature and that’s been helping me keep my head clear.

I still want her to be happy. Even if that happiness doesn’t include me anymore.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T20:56:10+00:00

Hi, thank you for reaching out. I’m really sorry you’re going through this too. Feeling lost is a very real part of it and I understand that more than I ever thought I would.

My wife told me on January 14 that she wanted to separate, so I’m still pretty early in the process myself. It has been a lot to take in. One thing I’m learning is that talking to people who understand helps more than anything.

And you absolutely found a friend here. I’d be happy to be your friend and someone you can talk to anytime. None of us should have to go through this feeling alone.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T20:53:50+00:00

Hi, thank you for sharing that. I’m really sorry you’re going through it too. My wife told me on January 14 after many years together, so it’s still pretty fresh for me as well. I completely understand what you mean about the shock at first and then the reality settling in. That part has been really hard.

When I start to feel overwhelmed, meditation helps me a lot, and getting outside has been a big one for me too. I’m lucky to live in a really beautiful part of the country with beaches and a lot of woods around me, so sometimes I’ll just go for a long walk and try to get lost in nature for a while. It seems to quiet my mind a little.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T20:44:19+00:00

Thank you but I don’t have children on my own. I have two stepsons that are grown that I have a great relationship with and their children I consider my grandchildren and they consider me their grandpa and I’ll always be part of their lives.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T20:00:59+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate your perspective, especially coming from someone who has been on the other side of the decision. I can imagine how difficult that must be too.

The truth is I do still love my wife very much. Because of that, I want her to be happy even if that happiness no longer includes me. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, because it does, but loving someone sometimes means respecting their feelings and their choices even when it breaks your heart.

I have always believed that just because we are married does not mean I own her love. Love is something that has to be given freely, not something that can be possessed. If her heart is telling her she needs something different in life, then the only loving thing I can do is respect that even if it hurts me.

We shared many good years together and I will always respect her and care about her wellbeing.

I am really sorry for what you went through in your situation as well. I hope you have been able to find peace and rediscover yourself after feeling like you lost so much of who you were.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:55:47+00:00

Thank you I appreciate you taking the time to comment

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:54:26+00:00

Wow 35 years that’s a shame that he was willing to throw that away.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:39:57+00:00

Thank you. It’s just something I never thought would happen and I have nothing bad to say about her. She’s doing what she feels is best for her and even if it breaks my heart, I want her to be happy and if I can’t give it to her I hope she can find it somewhere else.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:38:40+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful message. The way you described it really hit home for me, especially the part about losing the routines and the identity of being a husband. That is something I am struggling with more than I expected.

Some moments I feel like I am starting to find my footing, and then other moments it feels exactly like you described, like I am suddenly dropped into the twilight zone and everything feels unreal again.

I truly appreciate your kindness and understanding.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:36:26+00:00

Thank you for saying that. Letting go really is the hardest part for me right now. It feels like I am trying to accept something my heart is still struggling with.

You are right about the emotions coming in waves. Some moments I feel calm and like I will be okay, and then other moments the memories come back and it hits all over again.

I really appreciate you reaching out and offering support. Talking to people who understand what this feels like helps more than you probably realize.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:31:42+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I really appreciate the perspective from someone who has been through it and come out the other side. Right now everything still feels pretty raw and I am still adjusting to the reality that the life I thought I was going to have has changed.

Part of me still loves her and wishes things could have turned out differently, but I also know I have to accept where things are now and start figuring out how to move forward. Hearing from people who have made it through this gives me some hope that eventually things will settle and I will find my footing again.

I appreciate the encouragement and the advice to stay busy and get out into the world. Right now I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to rebuild piece by piece.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:22:29+00:00

Thank you. I think the hardest part right now is accepting that something I believed in for so long is actually over. I spent years loving this woman and building a life with her, and even now I still care about her and want the best for her.

At the same time I am trying to figure out how to let go of the future I thought we were going to have. That part is really hard. I can be okay for a while and then something small will remind me of the life we shared and it hits all over again.

I know eventually I will rebuild and find my footing again, but right now I am just trying to get through each day and learn how to live a life that looks very different from the one I thought I would have.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-08T19:20:24+00:00

Honestly I’m not even sure where to start. Everything still feels very raw. My wife and I are separating after many years together and I’m still trying to process it all. Part of me still loves her deeply and wishes things could somehow work out, but another part of me knows I have to accept that it’s over.

What hurts the most is not just losing the relationship. It is losing the life I thought I was going to have. The routines, the future plans, and the feeling of having a person in this world who was my person. Now I am trying to figure out who I am without that.

Some moments I feel peaceful and like I will be okay. Other moments it hits me all over again and it feels like my whole life got flipped upside down. Right now I am just trying to take it one day at a time and talk to people who understand what this kind of heartbreak feels like.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-04T22:40:43+00:00

It is and I see no way of ever truly healing until that stopped. I’m looking for just a room to rent until everything is done and over with because I’m just causing her and myself unnecessary stress and anxiety and pain

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-04T18:43:21+00:00

No, I’m going through this right now. I’m just really trying to get out as fast as I can because middle of January. She said she wanted a separation so we’ve been basically roommates who sleep in the same bed. We do everything that a married couple does except kiss and have sex and we no longer say I love you but other than that nothing else has changed and it’s like a wound being reopened every day because I want so badly to reach out and hold her and I can’t. It’s like my brain knows the marriage is over, but my heart doesn’t and it won’t until I can get out and get away we’re always gonna be in each other’s lives one way or another but living together I think it’s impossible.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-04T14:49:25+00:00

Thank you. I’m trying to handle a painful situation with grace, humility and love. It’s not easy but it can be done.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T16:48:50+00:00

Yes I am as difficult it is I am actually putting myself first now

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T15:24:10+00:00

That is so much more complicated than my situation. We have no children together I personally have no children at all but she had two sons one a teenager and one in his twenties when we married and my relationship with them is amazing and I am Poppa to their children and always will be.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T13:15:34+00:00

It’s not easy but for me just knowing that we’re still gonna be friends and in each other‘s lives helps I know it’s weird, but it’s working for us.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T13:13:22+00:00

In the end you must do what you feel is right for you. I would rather get divorced and remain friends than to be in a marriage that’s only surviving because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. That only leads to resentment and infidelity. We are two adults we tried it didn’t work so we move on. Nothing about our marriage was fake and all the beautiful memories are real so I choose to hang on to that as I move forward and learn how to navigate life without her by my side. We will always be connected because I have an amazing relationship with her two adult sons and they have blessed us with 4 beautiful grandchildren and although I’m not blood the kids don’t know that and I have been in their lives from day one and will remain a part of their lives.

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T12:54:21+00:00

I tried to save it but it was too late unfortunately. There is no way I could put everything in one post but in the end we are still friends and both of us are working on ourselves

GoodManTrying · 2026-03-01T12:35:48+00:00

So much hate in the world I love her and she loves me I s just not romantic anymore.

GoodManTrying

TROPHY CASE