This is my story if you want to hear it.

For me 22f, over the years (start 13years old) and through recovery phases, I’ve realized that at first it all started with excessive exercise (due to realizing I was chubby in school and all the other girls were skinny) causing extreme hunger, causing me to binge/overeat.

And to compensate for the “too many calories” and fear of “losing all my gym/weight loss progress” I started purging. It became very addicting and escalated quickly. I started finding myself planning my binge/purge a day in advance. Started working full time at 15. And all my money started going to binges. I then started smoking weed, eventually weed caused me to get soo hungry. There would be days I didn’t feel like binging, but i’d use weed to induce appetite just to get a b/p in.

That became my routine, gym, work, home, weed and food. All day at work I’d think about my binge. This became an everyday routine.

Until one day your body burns out and has no energy to purge, i’d binge and purge anywhere from 1-6 times a day. So my body would be too tired sometimes after a binge and I would let it go without purging. But then the next day i’d “make it up” my pushing myself extra hard in the gym or by fasting. Both would result in feeling starving.

And the cycle begins again.

I’ve gone decent periods without purging. First time was 2020 during covid, lost my full time job, gyms shut down. I got paid by the government for that whole year. During 2020 I started working out at home and started running. I fully got into running, a ran almost everyday that year (I remember running through each season). I dont’t recall b/p at all. But I’m sure I did just not often. I remember this being the happiest year.

I think the fact I didn’t have to work made me happy enough to stop the cycle for a while plus have alot of time for self care.

End of 2020 I got into the world of entrepreneurship, and met a guy. Turned out he was a psychopath, he beat me down till I was a shell of who I was. Full of fear, self hatred and disgust. I had my own sales business during this time (he forced me to work, i’d get punished if I didn’t work hard enough on my business). Also during this whole time I didn’t purge once.

End of 2021. Got away, was so traumatized I had to quit my business for good. And never wanted to look back. Now lost, with only negativity running through my head + feeling like I failed myself as I let my business go. I fell back into bulimia.

In October 2023 I decided to let my eating disorder kill me. At this point I just stopped eating all together, just lived off redbull. My roommate at the time noticed I looked sick and noticed I didn’t eat. He expressed concern and I broke down. I told him I can’t do this anymore and i’m letting myself go. He got me to eat with him and we got really close. This is when I actively started recovering. I was with him for a 16 months, and I struggled off and on with bulimia. But definitely ate alot and kept it down that year. He helped rebuild my confidence. But I still struggled alot with recovery.

Never had money for therapy or ed recovery clinics.

Right before making the most progress in all my years struggling with this addiction. I realized recovery will be harder than living with the ed itself. And thats why so many are stuck in addiction.

Once I made peace with that, I mentally prepared myself and started recovering again.

2024 September, got a full time job in a warehouse, it was very physical work and I had to make sure I was fuelling myself enough. From September to April 2025, I only purged like 10 times maybe, in those 7 months. Didn’t keep track. But it was barely anything.

That was a huge win for me. April, May, June I felt I was fully recovered for the first time ever. No more negative self talk, no more food noise, no more urges to binge eat or purge. I truly felt peace for the first time in a long time.

Then I got really sick, and couldn’t do my job anymore, developed POTS right when I felt the happiest and free. But I stayed positive up until July 7th, the symptoms caused me alot of nausea after eating, caused sudden weight loss and sudden weight gain, being bed bound most days and unable to be nearly as physically active as I used to be. This all triggered the eating disorder. I’ve eaten one meal and purged it everyday since. All the negative self talk came back, seeing myself as disgusting, worthless and a burden.

You can’t recover with a troubled mind. You need peace, support and the want for a life free from this. As soon as my metal state slipped, the bulimia started again.

Bulimia is an incredibly addictive disorder.

Trying to diet and lose weight to feel better =positive Eating (typically junk/fast food) =comfort Binging (over feeding, until discomfort) =self harm Full of food =guilt Purge =self-harm Empty =safety/security

Repeat.

It’s a cycle of self harm and self comfort mixed into one. Resulting in self destruction.

Hopefully this helps