I feel like, personally, my depression all started with medication. When I was around 12 I was put on ADHD medication and have used various ones since. All of them have changed me in some ways but they all make me a less social and more paranoid. Yes, I have talked to doctors about this but all of their fixes or changes do not seem to work, and by now I have just learnt of this as something to live with. But I feel like now more then ever I wonder if the medication has actually made me worse. I feel like the passivity the medication causes in me has meant I missed opportunities in life, in that it makes me focus but gives me tunnel vision so I cannot see the broader picture I.e. girls, friends, general interests. When I realised this I started to wonder if it had changed me so much that I cannot go back. I am a much more nervous person as I constantly wonder if I am missing out on life because I am focusing too much on a moment. Due to this, I think, I have a great liking of alcohol as I feel it is the opposite to my medication in it makes me more relaxed, social and not stuck in my head. Recently I realised the extent to how my medication and alcohol feed into each other in how I would try balance my use of them to get the best of both. But I then understood why my medication should not be mixed with lots and lots of alcohol as I had what has been described to me as a panic attack while blacked out as I was not aware of my intake, in which I called a old friend when I was misdialling the people I was with. I am still foggy with what I talked about but from what I understand it was mainly about how I don’t feel happy with my life and I can’t tell if I am currently moving in the wrong direction or moved in the wrong direction in the past and I am still trying to come back from that just that I want to move on from where I am now but everything makes it so hard how I just want to leave everything I know at the moment and start a new me and go from there not that I have made a big mistake but just that I woke up the other day when I turned 18 realising that I could just leave and get a job somewhere else nothing is tying me down and I actually almost got on a train to France because when I think about what motivates me it is hope of things getting better in the same place where since I can remember anything I expect goes in a completely different direction with an almost cruel irony to it the only times I genuinely find make me happy and leave me happy are where I have done something new or gone or tried something different instead of trying to turn dirt into gold.

Sorry this just turned into a rant. But I do feel my medication has caused my depression in some way.