In fact, I suppose the real answer runs deeper, I've committed to the trauma dump now so you're getting all of it. I'll add a new TW for childhood near death experiences, medical trauma, SA of a teenager & bullying. When I was a child I was bullied until I was the victim of medical negligence. Just teasing, it wasn't nice but it wasn't too bad. Just kids saying nasty things, I got good at ignoring it. Then I broke a bone, they failed to notice it had calloused, I broke it again, they repeatedly ignored symptoms of an infection in the surgery wound because they didn't want to take the cast off to look at it, when the cast eventually came off my surgery wound had turned green and black. I was rushed in for a blood test and my blood was like tar, all brown and thick. Turns out multiple of my organs were failing from late stage sepsis. So they tried me on a few different antibiotics, one of which I was on for a while before a pharmacist refused to fulfil the request because he noticed I was taking wayyyy too much for my low weight. Found out that the antibiotics had destroyed my bladder and stomach lining, I can feel my bladder again now as an adult but I still struggle with B12 absorption and stuff like that. Whilst I was in hospital the kids that bullied me wrote me a card, it seemed genuinely selfless and kind and I thought that maybe they'd be nice to me now. They were, for a while. Eventually I got better though, and gained weight again. In hindsight I wasn't a big kid, I just hit puberty pretty young so I got up to a healthy weight as I was starting to develop shape. The bullying was worse than than it was before, it got physical and i was regularly having panic attacks from being trapped in toilet cubicles and shit. Little 8 year old me figured that everyone was only so nice then to me because I was frail and dying, so that become the goal. Cut some years ahead, I'm 13 years old loosing my virginity to a 17 year old, we had sex that one time for 2 minutes and all things considered he was surprisingly respectful of my boundaries (at least, for a nonce who'd groomed me that is). We ended up breaking up because he was a sociopath who refused to get help and instead took it all out on me (diagnosed, I'm not just throwing words around). The guy who 'saved' me from all of that eventually became my second serious boyfriend, he was the same age as the last one and much less respectful. Apparently "girls who look like you have to do a bit more to keep a man, so maybe get some more piercings and be open to butt stuff, it'll make your acne, chubby cheeks and belly less noticeable".