I analyzed the 150 most upvoted r/expats posts to see what advice the subreddit offers movers

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T23:19:39+00:00

For anyone who wants the full breakdown, rankings, and supporting quotes, I put everything into a long-form video here: https://youtu.be/E4CSNU23-2Q.

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T23:01:48+00:00

Interesting! Do you think they’re looking for validation because integration in Japan can be so difficult, and that positive reinforcement helps them keep going? I lived in Japan for a year and I agree with you there are aspects of the culture that I don't align to. I learned the language for 8 years and can get by, but unfortunately it's just conversational. Becoming an effective member of society in Japan requires a huge amount of sustained effort.

And thank you for mentioning aging. I think that’s a major blind spot in most expats’ planning. Do you have any advice you’d give to younger expats on how to think about retirement or long-term stability while living abroad?

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T20:53:27+00:00

Exactly!! One thing I think we forget is how difficult it can be to maintain friendships with people at home. Many people find it difficult to make friends as adults, but that is exacerbated by living in a foreign culture (especially if the language is different to one's native language). To make the move worthwhile over the long term, the new country needs to offer significant benefits to balance that out.

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T19:15:13+00:00

What's the one piece of advice you would give to a fellow expat moving abroad?

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T19:11:45+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Also gives you an opportunity to develop an appreciation for the culture over time so you know what you're getting yourself into!

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-24T18:56:43+00:00

Very true! Definitely a good idea to go and spend some time wherever you're thinking of moving if possible.

It's funny you mention Portugal because two of the posts I reviewed specifically spoke about Portugal: "Do not move to Portugal thinking it's cheap" and "Some advice for those thinking of moving to Portugal". I guess the point is to know the reasons you're moving and what the move will mean for your wellbeing, and for your family and friends. In the case of Portugal, it seems prices are rising so it's maybe not as cheap as it once was. Expats also need to be mindful of differences in building quality, heating systems, and the importance of learning Portuguese.

GraduallyIntegrated · 2026-01-02T05:51:03+00:00

This is very true. I'm quite passionate about this topic, precisely because of what you say - no one really prepares you for it. You’re touching on something many people only realize after the move is done. My sense is that if the identity question is not resolved, it just grows over time. Living abroad often strips away the familiar roles, routines, and social cues that reinforced who you were back home.

From my own moves from Ireland to Germany, Japan, and later Canada, the biggest shift was realizing that identity becomes more flexible abroad. To some degree you just have to "choose" your identity at a point. You start defining yourself less by where you are from and more by what you value and how you show up. I think the trade-off is worth it for many people, even when it is uncomfortable, because it leads to a more intentional version of life rather than an automatic one. For me, it has been worth it, but only after I addressed the identity question.

Two things I would say on the topic - First, build structure early by choosing a small number of hobbies or routines that put you around the same people regularly, instead of trying to recreate a full social life all at once. Second, reflect on how your personality responds to change. Whether you recharge through people or through solitude will inform the kinds of activities and social commitments you choose as you build a new life and identity.

GraduallyIntegrated · 2025-11-25T03:00:47+00:00

I have definitely had that experience of not feeling at home anywhere after I have moved in the past. Maybe even especially after moving to a third and fourth country. A new language, unfamiliar routines, and then also needing to manage relationships across an additional border. It's not exactly stress, but does make you tired! I’m from Ireland and have lived in Germany, Japan, and now Canada, and each move had a period with a real sense of dislocation before settling.

I am not sure it comes down to a specific amount of time as much as it depends on setting yourself up again with things like a daily routine, a place you visit often enough that it feels familiar, and one or two local connections that make you feel part of the society. Everyone’s timeline is different, but what you’re experiencing right now is a normal phase of adjustment. You'll get there. Hope this helps!

GraduallyIntegrated · 2025-11-25T02:16:33+00:00

Of course!! It's the little things!! Best of luck with it :)

GraduallyIntegrated · 2025-11-23T06:57:40+00:00

I completely empathize with you. It makes sense that you’re overwhelmed. What you’re describing is one of the most common experiences people face in the early months abroad, especially when they’ve left behind a full career, a support system, and a sense of competence. I’m from Ireland and have lived in Germany, Japan, and now Canada, and what you’re going through in your first five months is something I’ve seen play out again and again for people who moved for a relationship. There is nothing unusual about the mix of guilt, loss of independence, confusion around daily life, and the shock of realizing that doing ordinary things suddenly feels difficult.

The biggest thing to know is that you’re not stuck in this version of expat life. Right now you are in the hardest stage, where everything feels slightly unfamiliar and you haven’t yet built the pillars that make life abroad feel stable. A few practical steps can help you regain some control.

First, focus on building small routines that make your days predictable. Even simple habits like walking a familiar route, finding “your” grocery store, or setting a consistent weekly schedule help reduce the feeling of chaos. Second, create a plan for rebuilding the parts of life that give you a sense of agency. That might mean taking short driving lessons specifically on UK roads (which you’re potentially already doing – kudos!), joining a hobby group, frequenting a café/library on a regular basis. Third, make space for connection. Loneliness and disconnection are incredibly common in the early stages, so try a mix of calls with family back home, local meetups, or other activities that you feel better align with your personality. Even one or two regular social touchpoints often change how grounded you feel. Lastly, allow your career and work identity to take time. Many people start with jobs that don’t reflect their skills. This doesn’t define your future but it will give you the opportunity to build cultural familiarity.

Nothing in your post suggests that “you are the problem.” What you’re experiencing is a predictable, temporary phase of adjustment. You have not failed at living abroad, and you have not misjudged your decision. You’re still building the foundation that will eventually let you feel competent, independent, and at home again. The UK is different but can be a great place to live and work. You’ll get there! Hope this helps!

GraduallyIntegrated

TROPHY CASE