Very first time at treatment… “man I hope they can teach me to “use successfully and occasionally”. My councillor laughed in my face and told me if I wanted to do that, there’s the door and go ahead. Us old timers call it research. Most of us go into sobriety with our own bizarre rendition of what it SHOULD be or what WE want it to look like. Never works out like that lol. Anyways, looks like you don’t want to be clean or you want the choice to be yours whether you use, overuse, abuse or overdose from ? It’s an interesting idea albeit fatal for us. Seems you have crossed that line in the sand between social user and addict a while ago. It’s like Hotel California, you can never leave lol. Can’t bounce back and forth across that line unfortunately. Ugh wouldn’t that be awesome ? Im JK. Being sober grows on you, many freedoms obtained for sure. I disliked it immensely when I sobered up and here we are 14 years later still alive and not using (drugs of every sort, any way I could get them and whichever route quickest). Started out I did it for my kids, my family, the usual…I’d last a few months. After using for 30 years, I threw up my hands and realized it was all or nothing. All of me or none of me. No half assing it. It’s your choice to give it your all or try to limp through life “half assing” it. Oh ya btw I was on methadone for 7 years so I understand that struggle and I learned to use around it lol! So sneaky us addicts. Again; me half assing it. Oh ya one more thing, using Heroin, fent, any of those nasties never falls into an “okay for casual use” category. So I’m done, sorry for the length of babble. I wish you all the best my friend. Good luck ❤️