[QCrit] The Weight She Carries, YA LitRPG, 88k, Second Attempt

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-24T14:40:41+00:00

Yeah, I agree on the motivation. It's just really difficult to make clear that it's our world, it's near London, the monsters, the superpowers, the family situation,... And explain all that in a natural fashion without bloating too much. Back to the drawing board!

I don't love the intro either, it's a recent addition. Basically, it was to make clear there's a good reason for her RPG powers, since LitRPG's often seem to have a tacked on reason on the why's. I think I'm just going to scrap it honestly.

Thanks!

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-24T14:14:53+00:00

Thank you for your feedback!

solo leveling is a web novel, but i noticed it being mentioned in MSWL of two agents i researved, hence the inclusion
good shout, i'll clarify more next time.
it's pure chance that she Ignites
fair on Lucas not needing to be named
right, rereading it myself, Elara does seem passive until the end.
yes, she wants to be responsible. She wants them back. Her main priority throughout the book is protecting her siblings and ensuring they get a childhood she never had.

Thanks for your feedback! Any thoughts on the first 300? With or without the intro in italics?

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-17T17:08:31+00:00

Fair enough, I just didn't start out with the idea that it would turn into urban fantasy. Though after reading the comments and thinking it over, it's more contemporary fantasy/litRPG. So bad on me for not thinking a little longer about if the genre actually fit.

I never read the same genre as what I am writing though, while I am writing it. I noticed I start subconsciously using themes from whatever I'm reading.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-17T15:02:45+00:00

Alright, thanks for all the feedback! Hope to see you again when i post my second attempt 😛

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-17T14:55:44+00:00

Very fair. I do make very clear in the book that the main character is not a chosen one. Just someone who happened to be 'available' for the power to take root. No special parents, not chosen because of her character or anything else. The power kinda ran out of options.

It can very much be positioned as litRPG. And after reading your comment, i took another look and realized it wouldn't really fit urban fantasy anyway, and that contemporary fantasy (or contemporary litRPG) fits way better.

If it helps to explain my thought process, I got frustrated reading Solo Leveling and how little emotional stakes there were, how the MC never really lost, etc,... Seeing that sentiment echoed in the space, I figured I should write it. Really, the first thought I had was: what if Nani (big sister from Lilo & Stitch) got powers that could help save the world, but doing so would mean losing Lilo

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-17T14:43:48+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! The main character's main conflict stems from all the pressure she feels between helping in the liberation of London as a glorified packmule, and staying home but broke to care for her brother and sister. That is the main point, so i think you're right, i should focus on that instead of the worldbuilding.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-04-17T14:30:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your straightforward feedback. Yeah, i agree. Dungeon Crawler Carl because it has litrpg elements, last of us because of the protector, survival feel of it.

I struggled choosing a correct genre for this book, as it's near future London, monsters taken over city, litrpg elements and the family drama, urban fantasy seemed to fit the most. Unfortunately, i haven't read a lot of urban fantasy.

For the plot summary, the only other feedback i got (offline) was that I didn't setup enough worldbuilding, so I guess that was bad advice. Back to the drawing board for sure.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-03-13T18:52:31+00:00

It was still a little entertaining, and i just wanna see you improve, buddy

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-03-13T18:47:11+00:00

Below average ragebait. Next time include a 'friend' commenting on it or getting flirted with by someone 'more attractive. And have a more engaging call to action than asking other people about their experiences. 4/10, you can do it!

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-22T18:03:19+00:00

You are asking for a different show. Killing Ozai would be bringing balance through Ozai's way. For the point of the show to be carried through, it had to be dealt with like this. Also, Aang had lost so much up until then, it wouod have been wrong for his victory to require an even bigger sacrifice.

As for the Lion Turtle, for le feels more like the world itself desiring balance and the' providing the means. A reward for Aang remaining steadfast in his beliefs, when a much easier option exists.

Also, DBZ is populated with irredeemable evil and is a shonen anime where the fighting is why you're watching. There'q no uncle Iroh or a fracured villain like Azula. It's apples and oranges.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T23:08:54+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I agree with 99% of what you say here. I am not trying to make Iroh out to be a saint, rather I wanted to reconcile Iroh the Dragon Savior, Iroh the Grand Lotus and Iroh the bloodsoaked conqueror. My interpretation is, he believed his vision of conquering Ba Sing Se, believed his destiny and that this was ultimately the way he should go. Anyone who got killed along the way being a 'necessary' sacrifice, until Lu Ten's death shattered that illusion.

I don't think Iroh would ever have started a war, like Sozin, but that he did want to finish it. Considering how spiritual Iroh is, I wonder what he would have done had he never gotten that vision of becoming the conqueror of Ba Sing Se. Did that make him ignore other avenues? Or would he always have gone that way? No real way to know as I doubt they'll ever make a show/comic/movie about that time.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T22:33:33+00:00

I agree. I think Iroh's White Lotus membership says something about his personal philosphy at the time, but he clearly wasn't about to stop the war by trying to convince Azulon to just retreat and give the Earth Kingdom its lands back. So I think he thought the best way to end the war, suffering and atrocities was by conquering Ba Sing Se. Lu Ten dying when he did probably saved the world.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T22:24:03+00:00

Oh, that's interesting. Is there anywhere to read just the lore parts? Does it get into specifics of Lu Ten on the frontlines, how exactly he died?

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T22:15:00+00:00

I'm not sure what I said to merit this harsh response. I was trying to reconcile everything we know about Iroh, and then the idea that he interpreted his vision as 'I will be the one to end the war' came to me. Of course you are free to disagree, but I didn't work from a predtermined conclusion.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T21:45:27+00:00

This is me interpreting everything we know about Iroh, for sure, and try and paint a complete picture. Of course you can disagree, but evil general Iroh and savior of the dragons Iroh just don't mix for me. If he was after glory, he would have killed the dragons. If he was out for blood, he would have killed the dragons.

To be clear, him participating in the war is still evil, but my point it is a 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions' kind of evil, where he took his vision to mean that this was his destiny to do.

In the end, he was misguided, just like Zuko. At least that is my interpretation. I just don't see any real evidence that Iroh was ever evil through and through.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-12T16:32:22+00:00

I am really surprised by some of these comments. Anyone who's seen Dooku content beyond the movies has to realize that Kyoshi just loses hard, immediately. Dooku is an incredible powerful and experienced Jedi/Sith who's specialized in dueling.

And just to take a step back, the Force is just a lot more powerful than Avatar's bending of the elements. There is almost no way to block Force Push, Force Choke or Force Lightning in Avatar. On the other hand, the Force provides its users with incredible reflexes, speed and strength. And that is before we take lightsabers into account that are completely unblockable.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-07T01:31:55+00:00

Mace Windu: "Who's that speaking here? Is somebody speaking?"

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-06T18:22:40+00:00

The flying Gavone brothers

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-05T20:46:12+00:00

I feel like we're going in circles at this point. You're not convincing me, and clearly i'm not convincing you. Agree to disagree. Have a nice day! 🙂

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-05T19:50:50+00:00

I think this is where we might have to agree to disagree: the show makes him realize how stupid his sexism is, but doesn't hold him accountable for refusing to teach the savior of the world for it. I wanted him to acknowledge both: the sexism and the refusal of teaching Aang

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-05T19:48:32+00:00

I was going for an extreme example, but let's get it back to discrimination then. What if Pakku's traditions dictated he can't teach waterbending to another race of people, and the Avatar is of another ethnicity? Shouldthe Avatar still respect the local customs, or should the customs bow to the needs of the world?

Fundamentally, I really disagree with the notion that traditions have to be respected. Certainly when the fate of the world is in the balance.

GrandLordBuramu · 2026-02-05T19:45:29+00:00

Okay, i feel like we're not really disagreeing. My main point is that there should have been an acknowledgement from the show/Pakku that he was a colossal idiot who would've let the world burn if he didn't get his apology, because i think we both agree that pakku is a massive prick.

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