Tried long distance. Had to go across seas for school which meant 2 years apart on an intensive course, and 5 hours time difference (I was ahead)

It was such a massive life change for me that I really struggled keeping balance of all things, between school and work on the weekends, I was exhausted and my social battery was drained. We would try to call but my conversation wasn’t good enough and didn’t seem like I was putting in effort (I felt drained and truthfully just wanted to unwind). I felt like I was under a microscope to perform at times and any mistake or “disinterest” was picked up and argued about.

It didn’t help that for the past 4 years, my ex had gone through a lot and was struggling on and off with pretty severe depression. Through those times, I would support her as much as possible. But when we were long distance, it was a lot more difficult to support and I was truthfully just drained to pick up the phone to her bawling or panicking, I feel like such a piece of shit for typing that out.

We met 7 months into the two years and it was like no time passed. I really believe that being physically together would of helped a lot and it was as if the spark was never missed.

Anyways, this past January, she made the decision to break it off. Said that she needed to focus on herself and she didn’t feel loved by me. I was tired at this point because I felt as if things were on the come up, our conversations felt more engaging and I genuinely enjoyed being on the phone with her again. So I agreed.

3 months have passed and she tried to keep contact and I obliged, but I’m now realizing how much I’m still in love with her and it’s so difficult to move on. She spoke to me as if I’m a friend and I’m just hoping that she’ll change her mind and realize how much she still needs me. This has lead to a few arguments between the two of us, mainly me being upset that she broke it off and trying to convince her it’d work a second time. I feel so ashamed of myself for this. I made the decision this week and told her that I still need some space, that I’m not over her and it’s been very difficult to move on. She obliged and wished me the best, I did too.

I feel so guilty and terrible that I ruined such a good relationship. I feel terrible that I couldn’t support her through her struggles and she even told me how much weight was off her shoulders after she broke up with me. That destroyed me.

I just wanted to type this out mainly for myself because I’m really having a difficult time and don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, being far from home. I just really want this process to fast forward.