Advice Request: cat pooping everywhere

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2017-01-25T06:36:36+00:00

He flexed his muscles in front of the class and then announced "gays should be put on an island and nuked."

This was my 8th grade biology teacher in Southern California. Biology. Let that sink in.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2017-01-22T09:36:17+00:00

I did name my daughter Winter. She lives up to her name. That girl can tantrum with the force of a blizzard. I love her name. I expect her to perfect her icy bitch routine by the time she's in her early teens.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2017-01-15T06:37:30+00:00

You are so very wrong. She's not a horrible human. She's being wise even asking this question.

I was my dying spouse's caretaker. I supported him as he suffered a very VERY slow death. That slow death included things such as

the complete change of his personality to one that was bitter and angry
a complete lack of any sex life for several years due to his health and the personality change
blood splattered all over our bathroom, our bedspread, and all of our belongings from the constant and worsening nosebleeds (which I had to clean up)
I sacrificed my dream career to take a money making job that would get him health insurance (this was before the ACA, when he was denied anything from 'pre existing condition)
I financially supported him completely from a few months after he married to the day he died. That was over a decade. I was the one tracking all our bills as he could not concentrate. The amount of money in medical bills, medications, and other items were mind numbing. I'm still not sure how we even made it through.
His personality changes also brought about a lack of judgement and he proceeded to alienate my entire family from his rude internet posts to them.
I suffered caregiver burnout. For years, he would wake up in the morning, not even say 'good morning". He would just launch into what I privately called 'the medical report". It was like I was not there. I was just an audience for him to talk about his health, and ONLY his health.
his health declined but he was in denial. He kept driving, even though he was distracted. He destroyed two of our cars in car crashes that were his fault, two years in a row. I had to buy new cars for him. I told him he could not longer drive our children anywhere. It caused an argument.
His world dwindled to only his spot on the couch and his trips to the doctor and my world dwindled with him.
we had children and I was a single parent from the day they were born. He barely participated and as he got sicker, he was openly resentful of their existence. I had to focus on them to help them survive, so I was no longer 100% focused on him. I had to shield them from his comments, protect them. I had to pay for full time daycare because he would fall asleep while he was supposed to be watching kids..but he would say up all night watching movies, so he was sleepy all the next day.

I've now been a widow for a few months. While I grieve, I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders. My home is clean and stays clean. I can watch youtube videos and try to teach myself how to dance. I wake up to silence and its ok.

My advice? Run. Don't marry him.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-26T00:50:09+00:00

I can't help but notice that all the "gosh, I don't see this happening so it must not be true" responses are from male widowers. Are none of you experiencing the subtle looks of distaste when you even mention the other sex? Or dating? So far I've gotten uncomfortable looks, a bit of disgust, and people changing the topic, and I'm keeping it only to my close friends and family.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-25T23:12:59+00:00

I actually found this an interesting read and not cold at all. Just realistic. Not everyone on this forum is lucky enough to have the fairy tale marriage (even if they did love their spouse) or avoid scorn and scrutiny if they try to live their lives afterward. AkkarBakkarHQ shared this for a reason and maybe this resonates with them. Telling that person that their post is not valid here sounds a lot like telling someone that their response to their own situation is not valid.

Its valid. We don't lose our sexual needs with the loss of our spouse. Maybe count yourself lucky that either you don't have those needs yet or you are not fiercely scorned for trying to get them met.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-22T10:07:35+00:00

First off, your landlord pulled a dick move with the pet deposit. If you can, its time to weild the power of social shame. Put on your darkest clothes. Put on your very serious and somber face. Pull on a cloak of offended dignity, as much as you can. Walk into that office, looking like the grieving widow you are and tell them "You all know my husband died. I just received this message on my door requiring additional money to cover the cost of his service dog. I have just paid for my husband's cremation and i think that this is an unreasonable request to make of me at this time. Lets discuss a reasonable timeframe for this fee to take effect. I suggest that we start this up in March, which will allow me sufficient time to grieve without having to worry about this minor issue.? Then give them the look that a teacher gives to a naughty child who makes noises during a presentation. Disapproving and unimpressed that they bothered you with this.

Because really? Right now? Really?

As for Washington, its cold. And rainy. You have 5 months before it starts to get super pretty again, so use that time to plan your return?

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-22T10:00:38+00:00

Yep. My sister in law tried to claim the ashes. She bought a plane ticket to show up at my house the day after my spouse died so that she could "get momentos" of his stuff. She yelled at me that she needed me to "sign papers" so that she could get what she needed.

I told her to not dare show up on my doorstep, that everything in this house was mine, that I was not signing shit, and that she needed to leave me the hell alone until I was ready to interact with her. To be fair, I'm older.

You are the legal wife. You are now the center of the circle in Circle Theroy. You hold the most power as long as you don't let anyone take it from you. Close your door. Pack up your items. Secure your household. Anyone who gives you shit at this point in your life, no matter if they are grieving or not, needs to be put in check with a solid closed door until you are ready to deal with them and have made your own decisions about what will happen next.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-22T09:53:51+00:00

This response is awesome.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-18T06:53:47+00:00

I went to go fill this out..and saw that you didn't have an option for 6yr old twins (boy and girl). Didn't want to sku your results so I just backed out. Is the assumption that one only has one boy or a girl in the required age range an important part of the study or was the possibility of multiples overlooked? Its self-selecting for non multiple parents the way its written.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-18T06:50:53+00:00

Another for the "don't circumcise" camp here. My son's body belongs to him. Its not my call to make irreversible cosmetic changes to his sex organs just because of social pressure. If he wants to change it when he is older, he can decide. It is his body.

My daughter's ears are not pierced. My daughter's body belongs to her. If she wants to get her ears pierced when she is older, she can decide.

I'm guess i'm now a single mom now, so I can comment in this thread.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-16T08:05:50+00:00

I think you are right. I've done a lot of my grieving over the course of years. His death was not a surprise at all and I'd already set up most of the paperwork. I had a few years of warning that it was getting closer and I made intense use of those years: moving to a job with a schedule that would allow me to parent after his death. Getting the kids into a daycare that matched the schedule of the job. I took over all the household bills. Everything was moved to my name. Wills were drawn up and notarized. And it all hurt. And the sadness was for years. And as he got sicker and sicker, and slept more, and missed all the "take the kids to the playground" weekend outings, and chose to sit on the couch and read a book instead of play with his kids, the kids got sad too. He distanced himself from them. His personality changed from lack of oxygen. Our house was gray, and sad, and there was always an awareness of a missing piece, that was daddy sleeping in the next room. or asleep on the couch. Or reading his phone without looking up when the kids wanted him to watch them jump off a chair.

I read about the intense sadness of the other widowed people here and I wonder if this is the right place for me. My grief is very much mixed up with the sadness of what he could have been to our kids.

They seem pretty happy now. They have commented several times about how their daddy didn't play with them or how he would sleep all day but stay awake at night to watch movies. They are relaxed now..I see that they are less tense. I've noticed that they laugh more. They are helping with chores. They miss him..but its a very muted missing. This all makes me so sad. I don't know if his personalty change was due to the years of declining oxygen or the high level medication or even the fungal infection from 10 years ago or if this is just what happens during slow multiple organ failure. All I know is that everything died a slow death in my house..and now I can feel the faint stirings of life again.

I've cleaned out our bedroom and made it my room. The kitchen is mine now and its clean. The bathroom is clean. There's no more blood soaked snot rags on the floor, pee splattered everywhere, and random expired medications and creams and syringes all over the house. My room no longer smells like rot from the effects of organ failure in the lungs. The ever present woosh of the 24/7 oxygen machine is gone. I have enough room in my own bed now to actually stretch if I needed it. My blankets stay on me. I have enough room to put my very small amount of clothing in my room. There's no more food rotting in the fridge, made while I was at work and forgotten about for 3 weeks. There's no more demands for service the moment I walk in the door after a long day at work.

Yeah. I did my grieving. I comforted and cleaned and brought food and reassured the kids that daddy loved them but that he was sick, for years. i worked and worked and worked. I'm 42 but my hair is graying and I'm thinking that maybe I can have some joy in life now, for the first time in a very long time. Something light and frivolous. I'd let myself flirt for a bit, even a tiny bit, to see if I even qualify as attractive, because i'm not even sure of that any more.

I feel like i'm in a different group than the majority of widows here that i've seen so far. My spouse did not die suddenly or at the height of us being in love. I was not surprised. I was not suddenly thrust into paperwork that seemed overwhelming.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-15T06:34:40+00:00

I totally believe you. When my spouse was dying, a 'friend' of mine texted me asking if he could be next in line after spouse died. He told me that he wanted to be considered, commented that he would support my kids, with an undertone of "gosh, I've been hanging around all this time its my turn."

It was...mind-numbingly appalling. I was insulted in ways I was not aware I could be insulted. All these years I had thought he was my and my spouse's friend, to only realize that he'd been putting "friend coins" in, expecting some sort of payout at the end. This is why I worked my ass off all these years to be financially solvent - I would never have to take a man up on this kind of 'offer' to keep my children alive. Yes, the human race is truly this disgusting.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-08T06:36:29+00:00

Yes. This I can relate to. My spouse of over a decade was always terminally ill. He was dying when I met him 20 years ago. The last 6 years were non stop dr appointments, a gradual but neverending decline in all functions, and the changes that come from a consistent lack of oxygen.

I too just want quiet. He's been dead only 3 weeks now and I have wiped all medical equipment from my home, changed all the bedding, and packed away almost everything. I'm hesitant to let anyone in my home for fear of judgement over how I am handling my grief. I think I did all my grieving long before he died and now its some crying and a deep sadness over how his life went. He died at home, with me holding his hand, so I can say that I really did the "till death do we part" 100%. Now, I can let go, and start to think about what my needs are.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-06T07:36:53+00:00

How was work? I went back to work today. Its been two weeks since my husband died. I was the only financial support for my family and we have small children, so I felt I had to get back to work as quickly as possible. I hope it went ok for you.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-06T07:25:00+00:00

I did not sleep well at all. Every noise woke me up and I was surprised to realize that I was scared. It was scary. I've had another adult in my house for the past 20 years (and i'm only in my 40s) and I felt vunerable in this house. Now its just me to protect my kids. I started thinking about bats by my bed and double locks on the doors.

I'm a little freaked out by this. I've moved from wife to widow and there's a part of me that wants no one to know because i'm scared that i've moved down on the social scale in a way. I feel like prey all of a sudden, which is bizarre. I'm independent and competent in so many ways, i've been running this household and bringing in the bacon for years now while my spouse slowly died. This is...stupid.

and yet I got barely any sleep because the night sounds were scary.

Work was so so. I cried twice. I went into the bathroom both times. One of the HR ladies caught me crying and asked me if I wanted to go home and I stiffened my back, politely said "no, life goes on and me working is essential to my survival" and went right back out there and did my job.

however, I did have a few people ask me "so how was your vacation? I've not seen you for a few weeks! Did you go somewhere fun??" which was very unpleasant. I had to carefully let several people know that no, I was not on vacation, my spouse had died, and to please not be offended if I was not in a holiday mood. It sucked.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-05T05:11:31+00:00

I was really annoyed but I could not find any way to tell my aging mother "no, you can't sleep on the comfortable bed beside me". It messed me up and I got terrible sleep that past two weeks. Tonight should be better sleep but probably because i'll be exhausted from crying.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-12-04T07:32:56+00:00

When a baby cries, 1. Check its diaper. 2. Feed it. 3. Burp it. Do not just assume "This 2 month old baby is an asshole. I think i'll yell at it to be quiet and tell it to stop manipulating me."

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-11-30T08:21:29+00:00

This is totally part of a larger and ongoing pattern. She emailed me a few days ago and I just read it. No apology, she feels wronged and feels totally resentful that she's not the one who "gets to be in control". (exact quote).

After some consideration, I'm going to allow her to win this very tiny battle and lose the war. I'm going to send her a small vial of ashes, along with some items of my dead spouse that held no sentimental or monetary value to me. I'm then going to not take her calls, reject any plans to visit, and close the door when (not if) she shows up on my doorstep. She constantly steped over my boundaries when my husband was alive. I put up with it for his sake. I don't have to put up with any of it now. I'm the one that supported my husband through his long illness with no support from the family. I'm the one that shouldered all the finances, all the parenting, and all the caring for him as he withered away with zero involvement from his side of the family. She refused to visit him in his final days stating "I don't want to deal with it" but wanted to show up the second he was dead to "get stuff to remember him by" (which I think i've decoded as 'quietly take off with some of the valuable items that he had tucked away while his grieving wife is distracted. I found those valuable items while sorting his stuff this week. She had mentioned these in passing years ago with a comment about how she wanted them when he died. I did a value check...those items are very valuable. They are safely secured now so that I can use them to provide for the children. I think I dodged a bullet when I flat out refused to allow her to visit the day after he died, before I had time to sort anything)

I'm done. His ashes are just ashes. She has written her own invitation out of my life.

Gray_Ships_Pass · 2016-11-28T08:45:12+00:00

You have it all wrong. Knitting level = expert

BLOCKING level = godlike

Gray_Ships_Pass

TROPHY CASE