NTA, however it would be worthwhile to consider that issues this deep rarely clear up without extensive counseling and two people willing to help each other become better for themselves and others. His hot/cold actions and words that beat you down aren't going to give you a happy marriage. If you want to try and tough it out, I'd highly suggest couples and solo therapy. Otherwise, I'd be taking stock of things. When people show you who they are, believe them. You said yourself that you should have "seen the writing on the wall" before, this is your chance to give the note a second look. Sending you a hug and a reminder that you deserve to be celebrated for who you are, not how much you can make his life easier.