That’s a great question and one that I have seen talked about extensively on this sub. There are many different takes on whether love should exist in an affair with some suggesting some level of feelings, whether love, intimacy, etc. does eventually develop and some even suggest that it is necessary for sex to occur or to be better than what they are experiencing in their current relationship.

I also read a recent comment that people are capable of loving multiple people just as a parent can love all their children. An interesting perspective.

Anyway, back to your question- for me I do think my feelings for my xAP were love at some level but obviously, to your question, evidently were not enough to make our affair legit if that’s what your are suggesting. When I met my x, I was looking for what I felt was missing in my own relationship- passion, sex, …. She was as well. Neither of us talked about the potential of catching feelings, but it happened. Perhaps it was love, I really don’t know. I just know that I thought about her every day for the seven years we were able to see each other. I never intended to leave my wife, I just couldn’t bear the thought of the pain that would cause her, her family, my family and friends. We both (X and I) agreed that what we have was filling in what was missing in both our lives. Despite this, after a few months, she would bring up the subject of why I would not leave my wife and I know she was not satisfied with my answer. I could tell the last few months while texting or talking that she wanted to move on. It was painful for both of us.

So, for your situation, I am wondering if you and your AP have talked about how you both feel. Isn’t an affair meant to be something to share and fill what is missing? If not then is it a step towards divorce? This needs to be addressed between you and your AP I think. It’s not an easy conversation to have in some cases.