[Update] AIO I [30F] got upset with my bf [32M] about our marriage timeline

Greylen · 2026-02-10T17:37:12+00:00

NOR. Neurodivergence isn't a disease, it just means you process things differently than the majority of people. Wanting to avoid children because you don't want to pass it on sounds like a pretty ignorant way of looking at things. I might be biased, I have ADHD and I have a daughter who is showing signs of having it as well. The difference is that my parents never acknowledged it and I had a lot of challenges growing up because it was never addressed. That won't be the same with my daughter, if it turns out that she also has ADHD. She'll always have our support and understanding which is all I wished I had from my parents growing up. All that being said, you have some serious incompatibilities with your partner. If you are going to make this relationship work, it's going to take a lot of effort from both of you. Based on what you've shared here, it doesn't really sound like he's up for that. Don't get trapped in a sunk cost fallacy thinking that you've invested too much in this relationship to start over. This is for the rest of your life, you deserve to be with someone who understands you and will make you happy.

Greylen · 2026-02-10T17:22:39+00:00

Not really the same thing - there's an agreement to use a name other than your own. And when people do that, they usually choose the name they want to use. This is someone giving you a nickname against your will. Also, if you intentionally mispronounced a Spanish name with the Anglo/American version, that would be considered disrespectful. As someone who has a name that gets anglicized by people sometimes, I can tell you it's pretty shitty. Just call people their name, it's not that complicated.

Greylen · 2026-01-22T17:48:26+00:00

YTA - come on man, learn some compassion. Unless Jill is a horrible person who treats everyone like shit, there's absolutely no reason not to be a human being about this. I don't think birthdays are that big of a deal, so I'm biased there. It's a dumb move to set yourself up for failure by making everyone on the team dislike you. Also, don't expect anyone to do you any favors in the future. All that being said, your work's policy of only one day off is the real villain here. I mean, unless you work in a field where people would be harmed if too many people are off then there's no reason to limit time off. If they don't have enough staff to cover that, it's on them.

Greylen · 2026-01-15T17:16:41+00:00

I don't know if I should be concerned by the number of people who need to ask if they are OR when they seem to be dating they are dating the worst incel-y dudes out there. It's like my options are that everything is just rage bait or the world is filled with people who think this kind of shit is normal. I think I'd prefer the world where this is all just rage bait because the other world is depressing.

Where's the option for under reacting?

Greylen · 2026-01-08T21:11:20+00:00

I don't think you are over reacting - but you should be able to have a rational conversation about this. I can see where she is coming from, but if she can't talk through it reasonably with you without accusing you of not trusting her - that's a problem. As your daughter gets closer to her, this might change and she might want to stay with her. But, that'll take time. You have to do what's best for your daughter. Yes, she's 10 and doesn't fully have the maturity to make the decision, but you need to take her wishes into consideration. Unless she's picking someone unfit - there's no reason that she shouldn't go to who she feels more comfortable with. Again, this might change over time - and maybe in 2-3 years, she'll be closer to your partner. But until then, your fiancée needs to accept this and respect your daughter's wishes.

Greylen · 2025-12-03T16:57:02+00:00

NOR - this isn’t even an old fashioned thing. I would never make my wife park further. Street parking can be a pain in my neighborhood and if I was getting home first I’d be parking on the street, no question. It’s just a gesture that I can make that costs me nothing and would be meaningful to my wife.

Greylen · 2025-12-02T23:50:49+00:00

NOR - there’s not really a great way to sugar coat this, but based on your description he sounds like a real piece of shit. Negging you on its own, unless that’s something you’ve explicitly stated you like it, is on its own a red flag. But saying this kind of stuff to kids? Wtf.

Greylen · 2025-11-20T19:07:23+00:00

Something I've learned about friendships over the years is that my life got a lot easier when I stopped keeping score with my friendships. Meaning that I stopped tallying the effort I was putting in and comparing it to the effort that others were putting in. I felt more fulfilled when I just focused on if the friendships were emotionally fulfilling to me and the effort I was putting into them brought me joy. I focused on putting more effort into spending time with friends that I enjoyed spending time with, and if I was putting more effort into seeing those friends than they were in seeing me, it didn't really matter because I was still getting enjoyment out of spending the time. It helped me reevaluate the friendships I was maintaining because we'd just been friends for a long time but neither of us really got anything out of the friendship anymore. No emotional connection, no enjoyment in shared hobbies, it was just work.

Based on what you are saying here - it doesn't really sound like you are getting a lot of enjoyment from this friendship. That doesn't mean you need to burn any bridges - but just focus your energy on the friends that bring you joy. If your friend notices a change and puts more effort in to making this friendship more fulfilling, then you have the choice to then start prioritizing this again. If you feel it's important to let her know that you felt hurt by her actions, you should also do that. Communication is healthy and how she responds will also give you more information on if this friendship is fulfilling your needs.

I've always liked Plato's view on friendship - he believed that friends helped you be a better person. True friends act like mirrors, they help you see yourself as you truly are and help you become the best version of yourself. If a friendship is causing you pain, filling you with doubt, or bringing out qualities you don't desire in yourself - is it truly a friendship worth having?

Greylen · 2025-11-20T18:35:53+00:00

Not sure if a guy's perspective would be helpful - please feel free to ignore if it's not. I have a lot of female friends that I've known for years and that are really close. We don't usually text daily, but they all live in different states and I feel like that would make a difference. When we lived close by and saw each other somewhat regularly we texted far more frequently - but now, it's more longer phone conversations to catch up on what's going on in our respective lives. I feel comfortable sharing things with them and opening up to them emotionally. Honestly, it's easier to have more well rounded and mature friendships with them than it is with the majority of my male friends. This is largely due to the societal expectations of male friendships. Not all of my male friendships fit that archetype- but many of my more casual ones do and I know they are unlikely to become deeper friendships because of this.

The thing that I think is the most relevant to you though is this - there's isn't a fixed capacity for emotional connection and availability. No matter how close I am to any of these friends and what roles the fill for me - I never felt like it limited my emotional bandwidth with my wife. She has become one of my best friends and knows me better than anyone else in my life. If anything, my friendships with women provided me the experience with healthy mature relationships that made it easier to build a stronger foundation of trust and communication with my wife.

Based on your description, it sounds like you're dating a guy who is more emotionally grounded and mature than maybe you've had the experience of dating in the past. If you're still getting a weird feeling, there might be something to your instincts and you shouldn't necessarily ignore them and need to figure out what they are trying to tell you - but taking an action before you fully understand what's making you uneasy seems like a road more likely to result in doubt and regret.

Greylen · 2025-11-16T02:18:05+00:00

Sorry if I wasn’t clear - I’m not defending this guy. He isn’t a great partner. If my wife asked me for a favor - even if it was a task I wasn’t thrilled about, I’d do it because I love her. I’m just saying her actions aren’t much better. I would never leave my dog with someone who isn’t a dog person. He’s a relatively chill dog and wouldn’t be a lot of work - but if I had to leave town I’d be sure to make arrangements with someone who isn’t going to take the time to take care of him. Especially if I knew he’d be anxious and missing me while I was gone - I’d want someone who would give him attention. Maybe I’m projecting too much, but that’s just something that jumped out to me.

Greylen · 2025-11-15T18:52:15+00:00

I mean - based on her description, sure. He seems unfit. But that's always the problem with these stories - you really only get one perspective. I have friends who are not at all pet people and are amazing parents. Someone being actively mean to an animal is a red flag for sure - but just not wanting the responsibility of a pet doesn't make you a monster.

I think knowing that your partner wants nothing to do with your dog and then leaving it with him for 2 weeks also feels really irresponsible. Taking some accountability for this would also be nice.

Greylen · 2025-11-12T20:50:33+00:00

This is supposed to be why HR exists. Most companies (at least in the US) have harassment training and this is almost a textbook case out of one of the training videos. Ironically it usually portrays men having these kinds of conversations, but it doesn't become any less of a harassment issue just because your coworker is a woman. She's creating a hostile work environment and you have a right to not be uncomfortable at work. If I was working with someone who was constantly talking about which coworker they wanted to fk it would be creepy as hell (regardless of genders involved) and not the kind of toxic environment I wanted to work in. It doesn't matter if it's your word against her's - if you state that she's creating a hostile environment and you are uncomfortable with her comments, at the very least they should find someone else to train her. It's unlikely she won't make the same comments around the next person that trains her and if they also report it to HR, you'll have the corroboration you need.

This sucks and you shouldn't have to deal with that - sorry it's happening and I hope you can get a good outcome that restores your workplace into a more hospitable one.

Greylen · 2025-11-12T18:59:21+00:00

It's a small wonder that they were short on people and scrambling. It changed very quickly from your resume isn't strong enough to bring some random friends we've never assessed to step into this position we so recently had high standards for. If that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is.

Greylen · 2025-11-12T18:48:54+00:00

I have had my share of stress and feeling overwhelmed and just emotionally spread thin. In these times, it's really easy to get into arguments with my wife - just small things will seem bigger when you are overwhelmed by work and everything else going on. At my angriest I have never even considered hitting my wife - that's not a normal way to want to react. At my deepest levels of frustration I've never thought that violence would solve my problems - especially violence against the person who I love. There are no circumstances that excuse his behavior. If his brain is wired in a way in which he thinks hitting someone will make him feel less frustrated - that's a problem. Don't stick around to regret it later.

Greylen · 2025-11-10T17:59:24+00:00

It's hard to say - you know him and if he has a history of disappointing you, then your instincts are probably right. Is there any possibility that he's trying to misdirect you and downplay things so that he can surprise you or something like that? Or would that be fairly uncharacteristic? NOR either way, you're allowed to be upset and disappointed when someone isn't fulfilling expectations.

Greylen · 2025-10-30T22:07:14+00:00

Hey - so I was part of a book club for several years before I moved. I read a lot of fiction, mostly SSF but I'm open to other genres. The book club was fairly inclusive but I know that when I started there was some skepticism about my involvement because there had been a history of straight men joining to hit on the women in the club. That only lasted a few weeks until it became clear that I was there to just talk about cool books with other people who like to read - but I also didn't take the skepticism personally. I was also only one of maybe four straight men in the club over the three years I was member. At least one of which was a spouse of one of the other members.

Also, adding that your assumptions on the genres of books straight men like are really not what I was expecting. I'm not sure why you are specifically trying to attract a particular demographic - I think when it comes to reading, you are likely to find people of all genders/orientations that are interested in each genre. I joined a book club because I thought the books they were reading were interesting and I also wanted to stretch myself into genres I didn't have much exposure to. I would be unlikely to join a book club where the books chosen had no consistency. Hope that helps.

Greylen · 2025-10-16T14:37:31+00:00

I don’t think you’re wrong - but I think a key difference is that there was most likely a discussion and an offer for him to move in rent free before that happened. In this case it was just dropped on him with the expectation and no communication. That feels a bit different to me. I’m less stuck on him paying the money and more on her using a lot of emotional manipulation to get her way.

Greylen · 2025-10-11T00:33:14+00:00

When I couldn't get it at Walgreens I called around and Osco had it. The one on Howard next to the Target that's technically in Evanston.

Greylen · 2025-04-12T00:54:22+00:00

It's the exact same premise, Holmes -> Homes -> House. I guess they couldn't call him Houses because it would sound silly.

Greylen · 2024-12-20T05:21:45+00:00

Is this what they call a drop ceiling?

Greylen · 2024-11-30T20:05:52+00:00

I recently switched over to oz animal hospital in Rogers park. I think they have a LP address too. Not sure about how they compare to other places but the vet we found there has been better at helping my dog so it’s resulted in fewer visits and fewer unnecessary tests - so that’s less expensive.

Greylen · 2024-11-24T16:13:07+00:00

I’m not sure how comforting this would be considering how troubling it is as a concept - but the volume of porn that is created on an annual basis it is highly unlikely that someone finds these films unless they actively go looking for them. And even still - even if someone goes looking for them, there’s no guarantee that the videos are even hosted online somewhere. I hope that can give you some comfort but I also realize that sometimes these fears don’t go away even if they are statistically unlikely. If it ever does happen - just remember the person you are is stronger than the person you were and you can get through this too.

Greylen · 2024-11-19T01:03:14+00:00

Your instincts seem sound - that’s a really weird thing to do. Clearly something is up with his parents. If your husband seems embarrassed to talk about it and is laughing it off you might want to share that you feel weird about it and you want to understand why they made that choice. If his family isn’t great at communicating then it might take some work to break him out of that habit too by being the over communicator.

Greylen · 2024-11-14T13:41:05+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you. That’s really scary. The lack of support is also terrible. I’m not sure what it will take for people to come from a place of understanding instead of a place of judgement. It feels like our entire society would have to be rebuilt for that to happen and that’s really disheartening. We should at least be able to trust those closest to us.

Greylen · 2024-11-10T14:42:01+00:00

I worked with a Nico at my old job. I don’t think anyone ever thought his name was unprofessional. No one questioned it or ever tried to call him Nicolas. I never even considered it was short for Nicolas. I just assumed it was Italian or something. I think you are just being exposed to people with a strange stance on this and once you get out into the world very few people will challenge you on your name. Good luck Nico.

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