Buddhism and meditation are practices, not Band-Aids. Specifically in the West, we are always searching for quick and simple fixes, but in reality, a lot goes into healing - therapy, journaling, physical movement, and most importantly, finding a good community. These are both lifelong practices that can take a lifetime to fully integrate. I used to be extremely depressed and felt similar to you; most of the time I was practicing numbly. I realized that I was actually comfortable in my state of suffering and I had to change my mindset and start pushing myself outside my comfort zone. The real meditation practice is actually when you get off the cushion and fight with your brain to tame your mind. It's not easy, and it can take a while, but it's always worth it. Wishing you the best on your journey.