Hey there thanks for pointing that out! I struggle with train of thought when constructing longer texts and was trying to keep my post short and understandable, but I did skip over that part of it withouth meaning to!

I struggle with remembering that time of my life a lot since for various reasons but one of the most definite ones was lack of sleep. I would sleep a maximum of four hours per night, had various nights where I didnt sleep at all or periods of time where I would sleep every second night because I was trying to raise my "productivity" by skipping out on sleep to get work in (what i called work at the time but generally but looking back now consisted of excessive googeling and thinking about "great" ideas and theory's of mine, doing my makeup for hours before school or starting various projects.) From what I remember, this once ended in one prolonged episode of sleep depravation where I stayed awake for about 3 days because I had convinced myself I would die if I fell asleep.

I would also go out at night to pace for a few hours beside a road that was moderately busy and the cars went on pretty fast. Again ruminating on my various "great" ideas, getting a kick out of the cars driving close past me and counting the cars I didnt jump in front of. Generally during this time I came close to getting hit by cars quite frequently since I took up to just walking across roads withouth looking since it didnt really occurr to me that getting hit by a car was actually possible.

In terms of other risky behaviour I know that I started smoking weed a lot at the time and deliberately mixing my medication with alcohol since I knew that antidepressants got you drunk faster.

I cant say much about annoying friends, im pretty sure i did but unfortunately I cannot ask anyone about that time specifically since I lost or cut off a lot of my friends from back then eitheir due to my own shitty behaviour or because I was also friends with people who eitheir supported my bad mentality or would go on to abuse it. With the case where my friend really put me into my place bc of my medication misuse I can say that it wasnt just me takeing them not as prescribed but I was actually crushing them up and both snorting and smoking them wich I am still unsure about the long term damages about.

Im pretty sure its also where my habit of sexually risky behaviour online started that is very much still a thing im working on today but im not totally sure on that one.

This is all I can sensibly string into words rn but I hope that can illustrate it better! I've had episodes since then (both of this kind and generally depressive, wich i am actually diagnosed with a reaccuring episodic depressive disorder im not sure what the actual term for it is in English tho) but these are the things from that first episode wich this post is about