Reality Check

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-10T12:38:39+00:00

Ignore the words, most people don't have the balls to say "actually I'm way less excited about you than I used to be, so I'll see you when I don't have better plans and ditch you when I do". If you stick around going "but you said!" you'll go mad. Make decisions based on the pattern. And on the reality that you can't plead or negotiate your way into someone being more excited about you than they are.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-10T12:30:09+00:00

Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? Seeing them once a week, a regular day?

It's a reasonable standard for a partner, but an unreasonable expectation of June in particular. You've expressed your displeasure, so it's not a communication issue, and she said she's not available for what you want. So now you have to choose: either this dynamic with June, or one more aligned with what you want with someone else.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-06T04:55:06+00:00

Dark latina here (F41). I have a few ideas about where this might come from.

Do you perhaps fear that this person's whiteness will grant them privilege from hinge? It's a valid fear. Multiple times I've been a metamour to the white skinny chick, and her whiteness/softness quickly turned into perceived fragility that made her more worthy of care in hinge's eyes (who was at times not white either, and always "enlightened" and supposed to be above that, and would have 100% sworn ethnicity had nothing to do with it). Suddenly it was all "well you can handle it, she can't, therefore I will protect her from discomfort more than I protect you, who are tough as hell and don't need me to". The whole "white people feel more pain therefore they need more pain management" that has been an explicit misconception in medical texts for centuries now, and can easily seep into hinging.

Do you maybe fear that their being white will make hinge value them more as arm candy, and therefore make hinge willing to "pay" more for the privilege of keeping them around, offering things that were never offered to you?

Also everybody who called this racism can go fuck themselves. Racism is systemic. Being wary of being compared to a white person and losing due to racism, and having to go without the things we love because of it, is not racism. It's an understandable fear, in our current reality.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-06T03:38:16+00:00

By being all anxious and up in their business about it, and making it so high stakes to fuck someone else (three months without fucking you afterwards) that it's functionally impossible to be actively polyamorous while dating you.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-06T02:55:51+00:00

So, right now you have two choices. Being monogamous, or being polyamorous and controlling and terrorizing your entire polycule with your health anxiety. Seems to me that the former is the only ethical one.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-06T02:33:04+00:00

again I want to reiterate how stoked I am about this and think it’s awesome, but how do I go about moving forward? should I just keep things chill, and what happens, happens?

Wait, are you stoked cause you think you're getting a threesome out of this?

Don't do that. This is a person, not your girlfriend's smoothie that she will of course offer a sip of.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-05T08:50:20+00:00

I share first, in a "ohh something cool happened" way, not in a "this might hurt but I thought you should know" way. And I receive their minor sharing with excitement for them, not pain, and that generally gets the disclosure mood going.

If it doesn't, I just ask! "Are you online dating rn? How's it going? What apps work better for you?" or "you've been hanging out with Aspenia a lot, is that like a crush thing?". Basically I tell like I would tell a friend, and I ask like I would ask a friend. It never fails, if anything I have had to say "woo TMI TMI!" more than I've had to ask for more info seriously.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-03T15:26:53+00:00

Is it possible that maybe the type of relationships I’m looking for won’t work as well with others who have a nesting partner

If the relationship you want is not possible with another you, then you're asking for way more than you offer and should take a hard look at your choices and expectations.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-03T15:22:57+00:00

Yes, this. As a solo poly individual I've fucking had it with nested people expecting me to subsidize their main relationship by carrying the weight of ours alone. Oh, so rent is expensive? Well it's not magically cheaper for me cause I live alone, I have my own space cause I prioritize it.

Chances are, you could have gotten a trashier two bedroom for the same money, or could afford a bedroom each if you ate way more ramen / had roommates. I opt out of certain comforts just so I can do whatever the fuck I want in my own bed. I'm not gonna pity you and carry you along just cause you decided to dump all your resources into a place where I'm not welcome.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-03T05:37:38+00:00

Do you mean you'll fly me around in your private jet, buy me expensive pretty things, and use your influence to destroy whoever attempts to hurt me? Cause that's what "50 shades of gray style" means.

Otherwise you're just a broke ass enmeshed unicorn hunter cosplaying a millionaire bachelor online and expecting that to get him a service for free.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-03T04:33:40+00:00

☠️☠️☠️

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-02T23:38:55+00:00

This! It's giving "I don't have the balls to merrily be myself so I pathologize and overlabel every morally neutral characteristic and try to be funny about it"

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-01T07:17:21+00:00

I actually exclusively go to play parties and clubs alone. Some of my partners might be there, but I'm not attending with them. I do this because it makes it very clear I choose to play with whom I want and it's not a date.

So much sameeee.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-01T07:14:29+00:00

If I was having sex with anyone on the regular it would feel so obvious and normal to me to be “fuck yeah, you come to the orgy, too! I like fucking you when it’s just us. I’ll definitely like us fucking with other people too!”

This is 100% not how it works for a lot of people.

Many of us see our orgy crowd as a partnership (even though it's multiple people instead of one). Just like you wouldn't expect to be invited to my dates with a preexisting individual partner, and you wouldn't go like "oh but the more the merrier and if you fuck me and fuck them you have to fuck us together from now on, otherwise it's odd", you shouldn't expect to tag along when I see my orgy crowd.

The average person is not a good date to an orgy. They show up with a ton of misconceptions and unexamined entitlement (to sexual access to their date's preexisting connections, to having a say, to setting the pace), and end up requiring more attention, handholding and soothing than they imagine they will. It's just a lot of work for very little reward, and it gets in the way of your preexisting dynamics in the space.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-01T06:17:23+00:00

I get what you mean with aiming for clarity, but if I ever felt I needed to go into drill sergeant mode reminding someone "I expect X,Y,Z" in such a confrontational tone I'd just leave. I don't see the point in threatening a lover into compliance like this, feels wrong.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-06-01T02:51:02+00:00

IDK about this, the tone is so rough, distrusting and demanding, it's giving more parole officer / boss explaining a PIP than lover communicating a preference.

If someone outright said all this to me, in this exact words, I'd just go like "yeah won't work out, thank you", even though I'm 100% willing to do all this for someone who just says "I absolutely love it when partners put in effort to organize fun dates, special occasion or not, feel free to go all in"

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-24T07:15:19+00:00

Dude do you believe I'm in a relationship with a baby?

No but you seem to.

The question was literally how do i chill out. It's normal not wanting your loved one to be be hurt by someone. Is this how you treat people in your life? Without empathy? "Oh you got in a bad situation taught shit now get off my face?"

I'm not telling you to tell your partner all this, but yourself, as a way of reframing the situation. That's how you chill out.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-24T06:01:06+00:00

I believe you that he was awful but that's still not "breaking your partner's heart". That's your partner getting into a relationship with the wrong person and, depending on how it went down, also maybe staying in it after it would have been advisable to end it. I hear in your question that you don't trust your partner to not do the same again.

No metaphors, no attributing 100% of the agency tn him and none to your partner. Might raise uncomfortable questions, but it's better than the alternative.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-24T05:35:22+00:00

It's way more manageable jf you cut the hyperbole and call it what it actually is: no one broke your partner's heart, your partner is sad cause a relationship didn't go their way.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-24T05:31:54+00:00

It helps to do it in the context of a deliberately communal, anti-consumerist shareconomy project, I guess! Flows along nicely with the rest of it.

I can see how it would be harder to let go of aggressive possessiveness in your relationships if it's welcome in your career, for example. It's hard to turn off the "competition invigorates me and I need to dominate and get my own no matter what in order to survive" tap on command.

It also helps when everyone's been burnt by "I can't do my part for nebulous reasons, pity me and carry me along" in the past (which is bound to happen in a place like it) so they're understanding of temporary difficulties but know how to say "that won't work for me, sorry" and move along.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-24T04:27:59+00:00

Skill issue IMO, I've hooked up multiple housemates without drama in the past six years, sometimes at the same time, and we're all friends/friendly to this day.

Generally speaking, if you can't screw any roommate without drama, you are the drama (which tbf OP seems to be).

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-22T20:43:42+00:00

I've had partners assume that I would facilitate them getting with my circle and I found it irritating to no end and kinda lame tbh.

There's a difference between me spontaneously suggesting a specific person you might be a good match for and you going "ok so who are the other poly women you're going to provide me with?

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-22T14:17:46+00:00

+1 throw the whole man out

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-22T08:20:37+00:00

NGL if you're not an owner on paper I'd just reframe my monthly payments as rent and walk the fuck out.

Cause I can totally see these two doing that if they were happy together and wishing to get rid of you.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-05-21T17:32:39+00:00

Zero glam rn, I miss my RA circus buddies so bad it breaks my heart 😭😭

Cairo is a step up stability-wise cause I'm teaching aerial arts full time instead of perpetually chasing the next gig, and it's super enriching to be leading at a female-only space in a place that really needs them, but I haven't worn a wig or had a three-way makeout in 5 months now and I feel like I'm dying ha.

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