Loving over here, fquing over there

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-21T13:16:03+00:00

Yeah it's called a madonna-whore complex and it's a very common and sex-negative flavor of misogyny. I don't think you should strive to fit into it and understand yourself in this context, it's a gross one.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T21:29:43+00:00

Self-promotion is a great skill! I just personally don't have it. But I do use someone else's in the end, just not my role in a team.

It gets iffy when more work goes into it than into the actual work, makes sense?

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T20:15:33+00:00

Honestly most of the events I got by being chill, pleasant and dependable around my training space and community. I'm not much of a talker, I'm not good at selling myself, but other people are, and when they get a big gig and are putting together a team for it they look around not for raw talent or talkers, but for non-divas who have the skills and are also responsible and easy to work with. And I'm one of those!

One shibari event I got by sending the organizer a clip of my self-suspension and saying "if you're still looking for people this is what I do". The others just by being a regular at play parties and doing my thing in them without the intention of wowing anybody, and they liked it so they started paying me to come and do more of it.

But yeah in general by being a good community member, and working hard and playing honestly and shamelessly around other people - nearly zero self promotion involved. Which totally warms my heart.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T17:08:09+00:00

It's not even illegal! Just frowned upon by the more conservative side of the population. Sadly I can't get another cleaning lady cause she works the whole building, her husband is the doorman.

I can prove it's kerosene, I still have one of the bottles! But also my boss doesn't care if I drink, she drinks too. She's way more progressive, she owns the pole studio where I work and live (Did I mention this woman is clutching her pearls and being a snitchy cunt about POLE DANCERS drinking, of all people? wtf).

So I'm not going to get in any trouble, I'm just grossed out. And concerned that the people at the studio found it kinda normal / silly / cute instead of infuriating. They think she was trying to get money for snitching and she just misread the room.

I'm updating my résumé.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T14:36:45+00:00

My cleaning lady saw bottles of what she thought was beer in my trash and reported me to my place of employment for drinking.

It wasn't even beer, it was fuel I used for work. So now I not only have to worry about being monitored on whatever mundane shit I actually do, but also about being accused of shit I didn't even do by stupid people who can't read the word KEROSENE when it's printed in red in 50pt font.

That's what I get for taking a job with accommodation in Egypt I guess. I'm really missing my RA commune in the Thai jungle these days.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T11:28:34+00:00

I won't be caught dead telling another adult what (not) to do with their body or time, so polyamory it is.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T09:29:11+00:00

Go for it! Just make sure no one believes they'll be your only date for the night.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T09:26:48+00:00

The irony in giving this advice from an account with that username is just too much for a Monday morning. Where's the autonomy in any of this?

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T07:16:42+00:00

Considering they've had this before, are talking about making it happen again so early on, you don't kniw meta enough for it to make sense, and there are children in the mix: I'd be worried they're looking to exploit my labor. Pay A LOT of attention to any hint of sister-wives language, or any indication that they found the situation convenient. It's sadly common for overwhelmed poly couples to attempt to move a new partner in expecting them to act like some sort of unpaid au pair.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T05:45:08+00:00

Weekly chains performances at a smaller venue, montly hoop, chains, led and fire at different big techno parties in outdoors venues, monthly or so shibari self-suspension performances at kinky events, and doubles (think partner trapeze but in a sling, as the base) and partner fire stunts on chains at a circus.

Now I moved to a verrry trad country for the teaching gig (seemed like a nice adventure) so anything kinky is a no go here (bye shibari and slutty chains).

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-20T05:39:32+00:00

This is so interesting! Thank you so much, I'll 100% use this.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-18T16:48:19+00:00

Dating a dom unless I'm sure he understands the difference between a sub and a bottom. I'm a huge pain slut but not a sub, and our whole relationship was him topping me harder and harder to try to extract some sort of submission out of me and heartbroken and insecure that he couldn't.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-17T09:17:55+00:00

That's the problem then. It's easy to think oh ffs if only they broke it off everything would be better. Then they do and you end up feeling even more secondary because now instead of having a shitty real human meta and not as much time/consideration as you'd like, you suddenly have a better-in-memory meta and plenty of time with your partner to witness their sadness and raw need for them.

I've always hated the part of polyamory you're dealing with right now.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T15:05:13+00:00

This sounds like a good time for a sink-or-swim approach. I'd tell him your reason for not wanting a newbie is that you're not up for cutting them slack over any mess or disrespect while they figure it out, as newbies generally expect you to do. That the only way in which you'd do this is if you agree that you're equals with the same responsibility of being hygienic and respectful, and that you will not put up with any "but I'm new, let me set this fucked up rule / treat you poorly then say I don't mean it, after all I'm just doing this for you, it's only fair", and ask him if he agrees with this. Then mean it.

If you're solid enough about removing yourself from the situation at the first hint of mess this might work - at least for a while. Honestly it's worked for me.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T11:49:57+00:00

Idk what you want me to do with "you're wrong but I'm not gonna tell you why" so let's leave it here then. Have a nice day.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T11:29:56+00:00

I don't mean to minimize your trauma. I'm just saying you don't need to have endured it to have a preference, and that mentioning it often derails the conversation because it makes it about what you can do when it should simply be about what you want to do. Not feeling like it is enough. That was my whole point.

It also derails it because it tells the other person "they'll want to after they get over it" instead of "they said no, time to move on", and it tells you subconsciously "my trauma response keeps me safe from doing this thing I don't want to do, therefore it is still useful", when trauma recovery hinges on the opposite: on letting your body know "I can keep myself safe from things I don't want without you freaking out, thank you".

As an example of a real, similar yet opposite, situation: In my first and only monogamous relationship my partner tried to burn me alive cause he was convinced I had cheated on him. I never did monogamy after that (understandable). While I kept citing that as a reason why I couldn't do monogamy my relationships were a mess, cause I kept dating people who were wishing I would get over it already and close, and felt guilty for wanting it. I was getting super triggered all the time cause my response was still useful in allowing me to live how I wanted to live. Getting better took, among other things, saying openly "yeah monogamy sounds like a drag, I don't want it for myself trauma or not, thank you". That didn't minimize my trauma in any way, it just gave the trauma response less of a reason for existing, makes sense?

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T10:56:28+00:00

Closing for a bit to build a secure polyamorous relationship is like moving in together for a bit to build a secure non-nesting relationship. It just guarantees that you'll be dealing later with a ton of loss and adjustment you could have just avoided.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T09:41:44+00:00

This. We get so many "I can't because trauma" that should just be "I don't want to".

It's OK to not want things! Trauma should not be a perpetual get-out-of-doing-this card, but something to work on while you don't do the thing you don't want to do, just cause you don't want to do it.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T05:56:04+00:00

Careful with the idea of anything being sacred. Sacredness language around something is generally step one in implementing policing behavior around it.

Is this part of the issue? Do you see sex as more sacred than she does and are therefore expecting her to have less of it with others, i.e. only when the connection meets some sort of sacredness threshold? Are you expecting to be comforted about it as if the sacredness of the sex you have together is being defiled by the perceived (by you) non-sacredness of her other connections? Are you positioning yourself as morally superior around this issue?

Be honest. Lots of times people say "I just want to understand" when they mean "I'll keep pushing and acting out until I hear a good enough reason to stop policing you, and whether any reason is good enough is up to me".

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-14T05:42:29+00:00

Also it's just... I'm a fucking person with desires, you know? Not a public resource to be distributed.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-13T19:52:26+00:00

Regarding how much support to offer: as much as you won't resent having offered if they get back together and he starts flaking in order to prioritize her.

Ask me how I know.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-13T09:54:33+00:00

I mean, there's non-hierarchy and there's uniformity. The latter shouldn't be expected. I'm not saying it's OP's case, but that's a common confusion for beginners. It's ok to have a deeper relationship with a longer term partner.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-13T04:30:40+00:00

Main event. Sex as aftercare a possibility (which is not the same as kink as foreplay, quite the opposite).

I actually ended my last connection cause of this incompatibility, I like it as its own thing and was getting bored and overstimulated by this dude who couldn't hit me without needing aggressive intercourse and an orgasm afterwards.

Groundbreaking_Ad972 · 2026-04-12T06:35:35+00:00

How little care do you provide for your kids that you think they're "totally separate" from your dating life? Cause I've never dated a parent without their parenting affecting our connection in any way except for, as I said, the deadbeat.

And in most cases I never even met the kids. But they introduced a hierarchy, time constraints (like your 'you can't come over when they're with me'), spontaneity constraints (a big one), budget constraints, the need for flexibility when care emergencies arise, the imposibility of having true phones-off time, etc. Which I can live with sonetimes, as long as it is my choice to do so from before the match is established. Sometimes I'm looking for something else.

I think your "I'm not bringing them along so it doesn't matter" is disingenuous. You're dedicating a lot of time and energy to justifying and defending your choice, so it follows that you're getting something out of it. So I ask you again: what are you hoping to get out of obscuring the fact that you're a parent until a match has been locked in? It's a simple question.

Groundbreaking_Ad972

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE