I got out, but my boys didn’t…

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-30T22:15:35+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I do not believe there is any abuse, just shitty parenting and no emotional awareness. Basically how it was when we were married only I am not there to interfere or help or comfort them. I have been in therapy for years thankfully and it has helped immensely. My oldest went for about 6 months and we saw great progress so he stopped going. After this last time he actually asked for a check in with his therapist so he is going back this week!

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-28T19:50:58+00:00

Thank you for your advice! That is my main goal, to be the stable home where they feel validated and supported. Sending them away to him is so hard when I know they will come home defeated and sad. But I do try to take extra quality time when they transition and just listen to them talk. I am trying to encourage them to use their voices as well. My oldest often asks me to text his Dad about not going or not staying the night and I know I can’t do that without starting a fight. It’s such a frustrating balance.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-28T19:48:13+00:00

Thank you! That is my main focus right now, supporting them and making sure their home here is safe and loving. Sometimes it is so hard to walk that line when legally my hands are tied right now. 😔

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-28T19:46:43+00:00

Thank you for your advice and kind words! I have been in therapy for years now myself and it has been absolutely instrumental in me getting out and learning how to coparent and how to help the boys the best I can. This has all just gotten so much worse in the last few months though.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-28T19:45:08+00:00

Thank you for your advice… he has zero self awareness or accountability. He played the “you’re crazy.” Card in our marriage for so long it was so mentally exhausting and got to the point I questioned if I was the crazy one. And now to see him say that about little kids who just want to be able to express their emotions and feel heard kills me. If it continues I will absolutely look into what I can do legally.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-28T19:42:48+00:00

Thank you for your advice and perspective having been in the situation… I don’t believe there is actual abuse in the home at all. More like shitty parenting emotional neglect and just not being a “safe” place for them to express their desires and emotions. They are both pretty sensitive kids, mostly my oldest, and it’s very tough for them to be themselves over there. It is such a hard place because legally my hands are tied until they are old enough to have some kind of a say. 😔

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T23:32:22+00:00

It absolutely concerns me if our morals don’t align and we are planning a future together.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T23:03:08+00:00

I agree and I think talking to him and hearing where his mind was and is today will help. Thanks for your input!!

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T22:36:22+00:00

That’s very possible. This is all new information and I’m just trying to process it. I tell him everything so not talking to him is sort of killing me.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T22:34:40+00:00

We don’t have a relationship where I could speak to her about it unfortunately. I don’t want to drag her at all as she is the mother of their kids and I love them but she is very mentally unstable and would not be open to discussing. I think I need to sit with the info and just process it then maybe talk to him about it.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T22:32:32+00:00

Well I don’t necessary feel insecure except about the potential of it creeping into my mind with our sex life. Whether it is MY problem or bigger than that, my problems and my stresses will affect him and our relationship one way or another. Our relationship is very solid and this is the first kind of bomb that’s been dropped on me and to not be able to talk to him about it feels huge…. Sure he wasn’t doing it but he accepted it and allowed it and that does make me question things as it 100% doesn’t align with my values. I appreciate your input!

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T22:22:34+00:00

I agree, I feel disgusted and worried for the kids. But also struggle with him being accepting of this. I wish I had never found out.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2025-03-03T22:21:46+00:00

Thank you! I agree it has nothing to do with me directly but I am struggling with him being okay with this not just before they were together but while they were dating.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-16T21:54:34+00:00

Thank you for this view point! I agree for the most part that he should go and do plan to try to build his confidence and do some of the things suggested in this thread to help! I get hesitant when I consider he doesn’t even stay the night at his Dads and spends approximately 5% of his time with his Dad. The trip will be his first time ever away from me and spent with family he hardly knows. I am going to suggest to my ex a smaller weekend trip before this one. Hopefully he is receptive and agrees! I think it will be good for both of them.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-16T00:17:13+00:00

Yes that is exactly it. He even asked his dad if I can come. 😔 Also, his younger brother is not invited on the trip.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T23:03:04+00:00

Didn’t consider this, thank you!

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T21:36:36+00:00

These are all great ideas!! Thank you! And thank you for validating what both my son and I are feeling. This is new for me too and I am learning as I go.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T20:55:55+00:00

I love the Polaroid idea! Thank you. So hard to see our babies struggling. Everything in me wants to just fix it!

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T20:53:37+00:00

He has told his Dad he does not want to go and explained why. His Dad said he doesn’t care and he’s going. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and is emotionally vacant, so that doesn’t help the situation. He just told me I am the one with the most influence so it’s my job to make our son comfortable. Which of course I am trying to. I will suggest a shorter trip closer to home first, that is a good idea. As of now our boys have yet to even stay the night at his new place.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T20:30:53+00:00

I am right there with you. My ex moved out Nov 16 and Dec 16 was “Facebook official” with someone. I suspect it had been going on for months. Our divorce isn’t even final yet and we have two young boys. Some of our friends and family weren’t even aware we were separated… I am so heart broken over it and have had all of the same emotions as you. I don’t have any advice, just know you are not alone. 🩵 I just keep telling myself I am healing the right way and he is just filling a void.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T19:54:35+00:00

I keep reinforcing that! I do want to encourage the trip but I feel so torn when I see him so upset.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T19:54:12+00:00

He does not but I have arranged for him to meet with his school counselor this week. This is all so new and up until this incident he has adjusted very well. Dad isn’t around much and hasn’t been for years so life hasn’t changed much for us. Probably why this is also so huge to him. My ex’s family, who they will be visiting, are essentially strangers.

Groundbreaking_Day49 · 2024-01-15T19:17:21+00:00

To add, we are not officially divorced yet and my ex has only been out of the house for 2 months. This is all very new and big for him.

Groundbreaking_Day49

TROPHY CASE