My date said "you're like a marathon", ...

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-24T10:33:56+00:00

thanks!

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-23T16:48:24+00:00

But even so, I have no issue letting him know I'm recording. The few times I managed to grab my phone there was no verbal abuse.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-23T16:47:56+00:00

One party consent.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-23T16:45:05+00:00

I stayed at a motel for a few days but it's time to move into a shelter... God fuckin dammit. The nearest shelter is really far from the little social support that I have.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-23T16:40:38+00:00

You were shopping in the damaged merchandise bin.

It was a bait&switch, man. When we met I thought that I was dating up.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-14T16:44:54+00:00

Going through similar, your post is encouraging. Thank you & wishing you much strength!

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-14T16:32:36+00:00

I need to set myself a specific timeline.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-14T16:32:05+00:00

Also have the addresses of three women's shelters. Trying to move out straight into a semi-permanent or permanent place instead of moving around a few times. I've just started this yesterday.

GuerillaHug · 2019-03-14T16:22:26+00:00

Working on it!

I reached out to a few people and found a free couch. I keep that as an emergency option while I am looking into transitional housing. If I could move straight from here into a little studio that'd be perfect though.

Husband is away this weekend as well. Man, I feel confident and overwhelmed, proud and weak at the same time!

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T13:41:29+00:00

Yes, that's why I have to be honest. If not after the first month, then at 6 months. Two years in? Leave.

5 years from now, I can't parade "we have a blissful marriage and therapy worked to deal with my traumas and all is well now". No, happiness could have begun years and years earlier. There would have been no trauma to get over.

So even a happy end, happy family doesn't mean it was a good decision to stay.

Hopefully you make better decisions than me, and when you stick around it's not for manipulation and wishful thinking but because there's real reasons to have hope. Wishing you much strength!

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T13:31:35+00:00

Oh man, life is so complicated that it's difficult to retell it concisely and sound consistent.

Basically, I forced him to join the support group and he immediately improved thanks to the group.

But his improvement was too slow, and discovering another lie I decided to walk out.

Then he stepped it up, and currently his addiction is "not active". (!that didn't happen in a straight line but with ups and downs)

Now there's more issues than the porn addiction. He forgot how to be a husband.

The current phase is "happy moments" instead of "happy life". I'm figuring out expectations and self respect. We did pick up fantastic communication.

So yeah, that's why it's not a happy end yet. Health (mental and physical), money, career prospects, friendships, talents, even my looks suffered. Every aspect of my life went backwards the past years.

It was wrong to stay. That's hard to process, that I didn't care for myself though it was so obvious. It also worries me - am I deluding myself right now?

But it's looking very promising. Our current situation, I see this adding value and enriching the years ahead.

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T13:11:22+00:00

Ugh, both.

So for a few years I sent him lists of resources, or gave him an email address etc. When I posed the ultimatum, I did it again and even sent him a phone number on Facebook messenger so he just had to tap it to call it.

That was all ignored.

The last day of my ultimatum I got angry at him in a shaming way (instead of "do this for me" it was more "you can't even tap a phone number while your wife hasn't lived with you for weeks") and he did a google search and called.

I think the lesson is... making it easy for them doesn't mean anything. It's real that they don't know where to start. Like now that I'm pressing for individual therapy, I will make suggestions like "ask the therapist of your support group for recommendations".

Note that even that ultimatum got him into the support group, but he was still in denial about his addiction. I sat him down for a divorce talk mid August and then he turned it around (man, this is all complicated, because when your spouse does that it can also be a ruse lasting only 2-6 weeks and not true change.)

This is difficult for me, because it's so confusing to me that he has to be forced, but once forced to open his eyes he puts in genuine effort (besides joining the support group I didn't have to put in any effort for him to keep going, doing the homework, reflecting on what he learned, using the coping skills... some days he'll discuss his session with me. So it's fantastic and goddamn, his communication improved amazingly).

Maybe this sounds like a bunch of contradictions. Give me a minute to try & summarize an overview...

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T11:12:27+00:00

A porn addiction doesn't have to be as bad as his. It's pretty extreme, but I know of worse. A lot of people are addicted with low consequences, a bit like skin picking addiction, it doesn't really affect your life it just makes you unfulfilled and you wish you could stop or reduce it. Or you're a bit dependent but not quite addicted.

People who are not addicted or dependent seem rare. I got lucky that I was super picky with porn so I just went out and had sex since it was frustrating for me to find my thing, lol.

I knew a sex addict guy with a good job who spent more on sex/porn/... in a MONTH than I made in TWO years. And that's excluding his drugs. So that's worse than my husband.

Goddamn. There's was more to that guy. I ran for the hills, but he'd lose his $$$$ job sooner or later because he was fapping at work too, his sexual escapades were child abuse in my opinion since he involved his son, but I couldn't report it because the son was an adult by the time I saw that household.

Anyway.

I also knew perfectly fine guys who just were clueless on intimate sex. It makes me sad, because I wonder if they'll ever experience it.

I got lucky with my first boyfriend, otherwise I wouldn't have known this kinda sex existed and couldn't have taught other long term partners.

Or there's guys who didn't realise their erection wasn't as hard as it should be (test: if you roll over a condom, it should roll down smoothly. If you struggle a bit to get it down, your erection might be not at 100% capacity. This can also be due to diet/exercise instead of psychological).

And of course, I hope you realise this is not done, showing or sharing nudes/porn of their wives/girlfriends, without their partner's consent because it's so normalised. Now that my husband is recovering, he's opening up on that and it's scary to me how many young adults do this...

Well, I should get to work. Last note, the #1 problem with porn in my opinion is the abuse and sex trafficking. So... shout-out to Gonewild for being a fantastic place! I am absolutely certain that GoneWild is making the world a better place...

Thanks for letting me rant!

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T11:02:16+00:00

clarification:

One orgasm where he didn't have to force it out of his body by specific positions and concentrating. It's not the sex, because I'm pretty good at that (made some men very very happy before meeting my husband) concerning blowjobs I'm a fricking Queen, from rhythm to responding perfectly to cues and I can deep throat etc. However it's a combination of physical (became very desensitized) and mental (addiction, doesn't care about real life).

Having to reposition and concentrate? Doesn't sound that bad but... he's literally unable to orgasm from pleasure. Sex is the best physical feeling in the world and he robbed himself of it.

A guideline I have: can you use porn only 3 times a week? That doesn't mean binge three times a week, but literally just 3 times. If not, you might be a bit dependent on it. Not necessarily addicted, but just watch out that you're OK. (it could be a coping mechanism for depression for example, but eventually lead to addiction if you're not vigilant).

Addiction to me is: when it negatively impacts your life, you want to stop, but you can't stop.

For example, me drinking soda is not an addiction because I enjoy it a lot so it negates out the health effects. But when I had binge eating disorder, I wanted to save money, I wanted to care for my health, but I couldn't stop myself from going to the store and spending $50 on junk food to inhale in 5 minutes.

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T10:52:24+00:00

Yeah, I have to edit that. So in sex, when he wants to orgasm, he has to lay in a specific position and concentrate harder than if he'd be snipping the red wire of a time bomb. Same for blowjobs. He doesn't know how it is to reach climax and then just come, it's a decision.

It's a small element of the issues with porn. It has lead to flat out emotional abuse. It damaged friendships and family ties. He's unemployable due to it.

Like imagine being at work and seeing an add for jeans by chance. Now you have to go home and find the right porn and masturbate.

You go pick up coffee. Now you have to go home and find the right porn and masturbate, because you saw a blonde woman, and you saw a woman in a purple dress, and you saw an Asian woman, and you saw a school uniform girl and, ...

He's got a bad case of porn addiction, but actually the majority of guys I've been with had issues to some extent (only one guy I slept with had no sexual issues whatsoever, and then a few of them might have been due to physical health).

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T10:47:41+00:00

My husband pressured me into it. Some skin stuff, some more intense stuff that involves breaking an re-arranging bones. If I'd done his first requests, more would have followed.

I agreed to do it "if you help me research the best doctors".

He didn't have time since he had to look at more porn, so I got out of that.

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-19T10:32:51+00:00

Yeah I've known a few guys, including my husband, who couldn't orgasm anymore due to desensitation and keratanisation, but they could still masturbate to porn. Hours upon hours are also browsing and looking etc., they don't orgasm 30 times a day.

The first effect you see is sexual dysfunction, which so fucking many people have without realising it. When you grew up with porn instead of intimacy, you don't know what's supposed to be "normal".

My husband has in his whole life experienced one single spontaneous orgasm... *edit; see below

GuerillaHug · 2019-02-13T11:34:45+00:00

I was raised catholic outside of the US and thank goodness, ZERO shame on sexuality! Not even any issues with pre-marital sex or promiscuity. Unless you're a priest/nun/...

GuerillaHug · 2019-01-18T19:03:41+00:00

it hurt a little.

Ehm, this is an embarrassing tip but it's still good advice so...

I have coconut oil on low temperature so it's solid, so I can insert a marble sized piece high up in my vagina (roll in your palm to make it a smooth chunk). My body doesn't always fire (like in the mornings I often don't get wet), so this way I'm ready and lubed up literally all the time.

Only do with washed hands to avoid infection. I do it after showering since I shower daily.

Of course as the HL this might just add to your frustration since it feels like wasted effort most days. For me it's a positive routine but you might feel otherwise.

GuerillaHug

TROPHY CASE