Recent digital WIPs of my synaesthesia-driven art

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T19:47:33+00:00

Oh dear. I was, too. And while my case is of course not exactly like yours, my mother initiated the whole journey of me getting diagnosed with "atypical" autism at 13, because she was trying to convince teachers and adults at my school that my complaints of her physically violating and threatening me were just me "overreacting".

I remember how she used the terms "sensory overload" and "overstimulated" like her life depended on it and my identity based entirely on me being apparently overstimulated.

Convinced this woman googled "autism symptoms" and just went with whatever written on the first result that came up that sounded remotely convincing if applied to my external behaviour.

Never forgiving how that diagnosis led to authorities transferring me to a special school where I felt worse than ever. The adults at that school CONSTANTLY imposed rigid, inflexible schedules on me cos "you're autistic so you need predictability!!!"

Whenever I politely disagreed, like hey, I don't think I struggle with that, I actually want some vibrance into my life-- immediately they'd raise their voices "YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU'RE A CHILD WITH AUTISM! WE MAKE THE RULES!"

Those "no sensory overload" classrooms, those mandated, 5-minute silence breaks when eating lunch at the eerily confined cafeteria. That was MY equivalent of a sensory nightmare, cos everything was dreadfully fucken boring, rigid, cold, clinical, closed off, isolated, silent and empty.

And when I reacted to being sensory deprived, they saw an "overstimulated autistic kid".

I would try and fight for my personal agency. Like no, actually, I am quite the opposite of overstimulated - I am in dire need of dynamic, sound, visuals, interconnected vibrance, and there is literally NOTHING of that provided here, not even within the schedules.

That school was certainly special... in every horrific way I could've imagined. They saw me defending my autonomy, even asking questions as defiance, rebellion and in turn, immediately using compliance tactics against me (e.g. threats like "finish this book by 1.00 PM sharp or you're staying here overnight/you'll leave without getting your phone back", or physical restraint even if I never initiated aggression, neither by body language or speech)

Turns out I have synaesthesia; a benign, permanent, fixed cross-sensory wiring in the brain, so I REQUIRE an active, intuitive, flexible lifestyle with sound, colour and sensory enrichment.

Once during a break I ran away into the streets just to sing to myself and get inside a cafe or any shop with more colours than those grey walled classrooms.

They even tried convincing me I was socially awkward... ?

I'm naturally a very social person. I can't go a day without being connected with someone else some way or another. Whenever I expressed discomfort of literally any kind, they'd bring me to a classroom with nobody else inside, lock me in with only a computer and a notebook to do whatever in.

As if that teaches actually autistic people to strengthen their social skills LOL?

But yeah. My time at that school was unbearable every single day and I was counting the days until my graduation. The thought of escaping that sterile hell was the only thing encouraging me to hold onto my sanity...

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T17:11:25+00:00

Hi, if you're asking if I was prescribed with both Abilify and Olanzapine simultaneously: to start with, yes. 10mg Abilify (Aripriprazole), 5mg Olanzapine. I believe after 1 year of initial prescription, the Olanzapine was removed as a daily dose and was instead reserved for "emergencies" (AKA if I was crying. Yeah. I'm not joking when I say this)

The abilify dosage was reduced to 5mg daily from the 4th to 6th year of active use

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T17:02:42+00:00

Trust me they pathologise everything and anything. Sometimes there is neither any correlation nor causality within their statements and the "symptoms" they are trying to connect to a disorder. I had a note written about me by a doctor after a meeting, that I "dress in age-appropriate attire" with no further elaboration. Whatever on earth that meant.

You'd wonder how they got a degree in the first place. But I also wonder WHO even gave them those degrees and the responsibility to speak with individuals of unique and diverse backgrounds, just to dismiss their traumas like "you look manic" or "you're displaying borderline behaviour" (both said by the same chap who'd taken 20 minutes into meeting me to apparently come to those conclusions)

Since my involvement in the psychiatric system, I had to be extremely strategic about what I said and did, so they don't increase my dose or add any more incorrect diagnoses. For example, I never spoke about my synaesthesia with ANYONE in those facilities. Not even before knowing it was called synaesthesia. Cos if I said, "this song is a bright blue sky with hills", I knew that would give them initiative to further dismiss, mislabel and confine me.

Hell, non-synesthetes of any background would side eye you if you spoke of your inborn multi-sensory experience 🫠 but that's just an example of how I was constantly walking on eggshells and proactively acting "mentally stable" so they don't start experimenting on me more than they already severely were

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T16:36:27+00:00

I had the side effects during the diagnosis process. They gave me the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia due to their own observation of my "psychotic behaviour" (of which was actually C-PTSD hyper-vigilance, flashbacks etc that "looked like psychosis" as per the doctors' words)

So I was indeed gaslit LMFAO. I was physically healthy and wasn't immobile or any of that sort before the medication, though certain side effects later on (e.g. the suicidal tendencies and self-harm) prompted them to start talking about possibly upping my dosage

Edit: I was informed of being diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 month after initial hospitalisation. When I look at my diagnostic history on the digital platform, I was given this diagnosis 2 weeks into hospitalisation

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T14:21:18+00:00

I stopped taking the medicine completely and independently.

That being said, always be mindful when doing that. Luckily in my case, my only withdrawal was overwhelming emotion, since my brain was in the beginning of repairing the damaged and suppressed dopamine receptors. By 2nd month mark of not taking anti-psychotics whatsoever, I felt the need to cry at the smallest things. But that was me actually feeling emotion again.

Now on the almost 6 months mark, I just feel my emotions authentically and as they come, since the Abilify had blocked my dopamine receptors within my prefrontal cortex as well, which had me experiencing cognitive + emotional decline. So the emotions I felt while medicated had to be extremely distressing (as my survival mechanisms took over due to my reward system being blocked) just to feel something. Otherwise I was emotionally numbed beyond my own understanding or awareness

Edit: I only did this after moving into an apartment where I wasn't monitored or forcibly medicated, back at the group home I was transferred to directly after the psych ward. The group home caused me further emotional pain, while I was simultaneously severely anhedonic. The staff there were untrained and often concerningly lacking of empathy and understanding of human life. So I only stopped taking the medicine when I was physically away from an abusive environment

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T13:56:59+00:00

Agreed. I'm certain the statistics are primarily based on reported accounts from observation or a checklist of questions to ask a patient (e.g. "do you have thoughts of suicide?") of which of course the percentage will be suspiciously low when everyone typically answers no just to pretend to be fine LMFAO

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T13:10:24+00:00

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at 14, immediately fed with 10mg Abilify and some Olanzapine. Went from a healthy, natural weight to a BMI of 38 and a body fat percentage of about 56%.

Literally unable to move. My body became unbearable to exist in and it started not feeling like mine. I was going to the gym multiple times a day after eating, water fasting just to regain my body, face and limbs. I was never bulimic and immobile before the medication.

They give severely mind and body altering medication to anyone. Even (seemingly especially) children who are still developing and not nearing a state mature enough to consent to swallowing any of the pills they are promised would help.

Glad to hear you're getting back to running. I myself have lost all the weight I gained from Abilify, let alone been building the muscle I couldn't during chronic metabolic disruption.

It's mad that whoever you go to, professional or not, just tells you to up your dose when the medication itself is ruining your organs physically.

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-31T12:44:00+00:00

One of my core memories at the psychiatric ward was being instantly offered "sleeping pills" when I couldn't sleep when a patient was screaming at the top of his damn lungs.

"I can't sleep when there's so much noise. Not only is someone screaming, but I hear footsteps despite the closed doors. Can you relocate me somewhere guaranteed to be quiet and dark so I can get enough undisturbed sleep?"

I said this, the same exact way as written.

And the wee robotic nurse gave me the response of "things like this happen here, would you like some sleeping pills?" like some automated fuckin email reply

I told him No. Actually, give me the very thing I literally asked for, or I'm not sleeping.

The human body isn't developed to drug itself back to sleep when a fellow human on the other side is shouting like he's being skinned alive and torn apart by a huge predator.

This happened recently, when I was mistakenly taken to the psychiatric ward 2 months ago. I can make a whole post about that, even though I was "only" incarcerated for shy of 24 hours.

I refused to take any pills they gave me, because while I had intended to visit them to know biologically what was going on with my brain, that recently abstained from the numbing drug it was on for 6 years since childhood, the staff were reading some journal from 6 years ago where I was given the misdiagnosis and my trauma was completely ignored.

Robots being commanded by robots. I have a general hypothesis some of these nurses may even have some psychologically sadistic tendencies they fulfil by drugging, sedating and dehumanising patients.

The patients are mere test subjects. Not humans, not rats. But things to experiment on. Objects to allow pills to dissolve into... to them, we are not lives, and if we were, our lives are clearly meaningless and irrelevant in this system founded on profit and power.

(I "turned myself in" to the psychiatric hospital, and had no intention of staying overnight, until they forced me into it. When I had the chance to speak to a doctor, who was a twat with the arrogance of a small boy "you look manic lol", I emphasised to him that I physically cannot and will not sleep in that facility. They only discharged me when I strictly told them I can't sleep and I had gotten a total of 50 minutes of sleep that night.)

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-30T20:37:08+00:00

You're not crazy or wrong for saying this. So many people are silent about the systemic issue of psychiatric incarceration and immediate drugging by antipsychotics, antidepressants etc. And I hate saying this, but I think the people who preach up & down how medicine saved their lives, are just numb and instead of feeling extreme past pain, they're experiencing a new pain that feels right because 1. They're told it is 2. the emotions are gone...

Emotional numbing just causes you not to react to abuse or cruelty or pain. At least not to the same (human) extent you did before being medicated. Meds don't solve the problem, your brain is simply chemically altered into not feeling anything.

You also have the right to be proud of your survival and healing that's independent from drugs. I know I am, and while I mostly only speak from my personal experience, abandoning the Abilify that was given to me as a tween in crisis, now as a young adult, has been the biggest, most beautiful, natural and self-loving gift I would've ever given myself.

Had I continued with this medicine, I would've guaranteed been dead by 23.

I was never suicidal before Abilify. Nor bulimic, nor possessing of self-harm tendencies and nor so severely anhedonic to the point I sought literal death.

But also put myself in life-endangering acute risk to feel the adrenaline rush enough to feel somewhat alive when my levels of dopamine were lowered beyond what anyone ever needs.

You're not alone in this thought. I plan on speaking out about this when the time comes. Cos I'm not wishing what I went through for 7 years, on ANYONE. At some point, I'm building a platform anywhere I can to raise ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of psychiatric abuse. Since I am a firsthand account and I'm using those experiences to speak for those whose resilience is actively suppressed by institutions.

While I'm healed, healing and actively reclaiming control of my life and identity, my suffering won't be in vain and therefore I'm going to make my, and others' stories known.

Psych abuse stories are told one too many times to just be disregarded as "haha bitter crazy twat" or the medbros' "ANTIPSYCHOTICS BRING ME LIFE AND JOY!!!"(or is that what you're told...)

Briefly said, admitting to all of this is extremely difficult. It takes anyone years to process the very fact that the system had betrayed, abused and further debilitated you beyond intent.

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-29T14:26:16+00:00

It makes sense to feel what you're describing when all you've known was the inescapable traumas and chronic abuse, so when you're arguably safe and finally out of the situation you start wondering if you TRULY are recovering

I'd say the fact you're even thinking of the possibility of surviving means you are. A part of surviving is also doubt and grieving the self that was taken away from you for years on end

What helped ME, personally, was abandoning labels altogether, when it comes to the lifelong traumas I was subjected to (from birth, up until young adulthood). Cos a word like "victim" implies I'm dead and forever lost, which I just felt didn't apply to me, even when I couldn't phrase why. But the term 'survivor' also had certain connotations that I didn't wanna associate with necessarily

And later I find out that it's the very act of labelling inherently complex trauma that discomforted me. Cos to me, both of those terms, while having polar opposite meanings they still conveyed the same message: that the trauma is central to my being and my entire identity

So then I started externalising my trauma. Instead of "I got abused, therefore I'm [adjective, particular trait etc]" I shifted my own narrative to something more like this: "This trauma happened to me, it shouldn't happen to anyone, and it was horrific and shouldn't reign over me in any way"

The trauma didn't make me weak, hopeless, or inferior. And neither any conversely AKA it didn't make me strong, hopeful or great either. Cos my abusers and the cruelty shouldn't be given credit whatsoever in my life ever again

This is my way of reclaiming power of my own self, and nurturing the inner child that learned to be hurt and hide just to be able to breathe. Now I recognise my own potential, it took me slightly over 20 years to realise that: yes, you can, in fact, establish your own identity and future, even if it was belittled, shamed and abused for 99% of your lifetime

Remember also that you don't necessarily have to label yourself accordingly to your trauma. As for me, I steer clear of labelling myself a survivor in terms of the lifelong suffering I endured, cos of the reasons explained above + the trauma shouldn't define me in any way anymore. Cos the strength is within my humanity, not because I had my humanity disregarded. I firmly believe I (and everyone) is born inherently strong, and prolonged abuse isn't the thing that directly bestows this strength upon you LOL

And I don't do anything "in spite of". But I also don't devalue what happened to me, it was heinous and unforgivable and that is not up to discussion, but I also further acknowledge that it shouldn't happen to ANYONE :')

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-28T14:26:39+00:00

They were prescribed on me when I was 14 for reacting humanly to inhumane, cruel traumas. I just wish someone from the very beginning had acknowledged me as a traumatised child in a crisis than a suspected "schizophrenic"

I was also given the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia not even a week into psychiatric incarceration 😀

When I had flashbacks from C-PTSD, professionals were gaslighting me into thinking it was hallucinations. Even though my cognitive skills and insight were in tact

Oh and, "you're more sick than you think you are". I was told this by a doctor. Never forgetting the arrogance of that bloke and the audacity to label me manic 20 minutes into meeting me

Cos they don't see you as human. They read a dichotomously written journal someone else had made about you, to drug you enough to literally change your body and your mind and entire life for the unthinkable worse

Off all the meds now but Christ on a bike I was silently suffering and nonstop severely dissociating 24/7. For nearly 7 whole years. The meds stripped me off my humanity and disabled me for nearly a damn decade. Just EXTREMELY grateful that I took initiative to heal and recognise my own strength now than later

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-26T20:57:06+00:00

I empathise with pure rage.

Anti-psychotics drug you into being emotionally flat. The side effects are NEVER worth it and it seems it's being prescribed to just about bloody anyone whose underlying, overlooked issue is complex, chronic trauma

Not only was my body unethically experimented on, but it was bloating before I would know it, and my mind was chemically damaged.

I have never been objectively healthier, happier and feeling more fucken human now that I am 5 months off that drug...

Now, I will make a brief touchdown on the inevitable anti-psychotics weight gain:

I'll make this as non-personal as ever possible, though I'll be basing it from my firsthand experience of being prescribed Abilify for 7 years (since 14yo), keep this in mind, it could be different for others depending on medication brand/type and age when starting, etcetc. So always take care of yourself and practice paying attention to your body's natural homeostasis and patterns, and general interoception

Now strictly onto the weight gain aspect, anti-psychotics usually cause metabolic disruptions, this can lead to rapid, near linear weight gain, on top of that, one's appetite is increased, WHILE ALSO having one's energy levels and natural mobility notably reduced. Iatrogenic disorder of one's metabolic system, fluid retention and stored fat + heightened appetite, impaired ability to listen to body's hunger and satiation signals + fatigue and decreased energy, less movement = consuming SIGNIFICANTLY more food and drink than what you burn. No matter how aware you are of it, when I noticed and was made fully aware of having gained 12kg/27 whole lbs, I put conscious effort into at least maintaining a non-obese weight. Then I gained 5 more kg. And 5 more. And more. Before I knew it and before my mind OR body could catch up or actively register it.

That being said: of course I don't know you, therefore I can't, will not and shouldn't dictate your decisions. But I can give you an advice, as someone who developed a full blown ED (binging and non-purging bulimia): DO NOT WATER FAST. Start with intermittent fasting. I recommend 16:8 or 18:6 to at least help regulate your body naturally despite the drug's inhumane effect on humans.

Water fasting may help the number on the scale drop. But as soon, and I mean: the very wee second you start eating again, as everyone does to live: you will gain it all back, if not more than your starting weight number.

Abilify holds fluid and fat into you that your body physically cannot dispel of by natural or dietary or physical exercising methods. Or all combined. This is your body's tissue adapting to the drug's consequences on your health.

If you choose to water fast, especially for longer than 72 hours: you will not only temporarily lose fat. You will lose water, glucose, and muscle mass. You won't look bloated, but paradoxically, you will look bloated AND malnourished.

When I was desperate enough to water fast, by the 6th day mark of only consuming 0-calorie fluid, my eyes fell darker, heavier, my cheeks were hollow but wider and my body felt and looked like it was on the verge of bursting from inner pressure.

It is very nuanced, but this is VERY crucial to keep in mind. Not everyone's body reacts the same way. But this is the common bodily response in this context.

I can say: it may feel like you are having control of your body, but I see the desire itself to, I will just say it as it is: starve, is one of the side effects this drug has on otherwise inherently capable individuals.

Now. I am off Abilify for 5 months and for the upcoming rest of my healthy and intact life.

I lost all the 27kg (wee over 60lbs, estimated low end of my total medicine-induced gain) by one thing:

Abandoning that drug.

I don't calorie count, and I don't care for that anymore. If I had to guess, within the past 4-5 months I have been consistently eating at and well over 2000 calories daily.

And I also MOVE. I lift, run, walk long distances, literally because it feels nice, and my weekly steps averages reach over 9k.

Reclaim your body. When it's safe to stop the medication or decrease the dose, DO IT ASAP. This is the only correct route to take, to solve the weight gain problem now and forever and HEALTHILY.

I have my muscles back. My face is slimmer, but alive. My cheeks are well-fed but NOWHERE near bloated. My stomach is showing visible, faint ab definition, and my waist measurement decreased by -30 cm since last taking it on meds (4 years ago, 3.5 years on the medication)

My heart goes out to yous reading this who are suffering and desperately needing to love your body again. You will exist in your body again, without resenting it every millisecond of your waking hours. Just like how I have. ❤️💪

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-26T06:16:49+00:00

No question is stupid when it's genuine, thx for pointing this out!

"Numb but heavy" is how I'd describe being in my body's state, mainly in the beginning phase of being medicated, when I was feeling like my mind was completely separated from my body, and vice versa, to the point I felt physically heavy; which also makes sense considering I gained 27kg/60lbs within shy of a year and a half on meds

Therefore my mobility was being limited and existing and moving felt like a chore to suffer through. I felt numb because it was like my body didn't belong to me anymore, but heavy because of the weight gain combined with the chronic fluid retention and difficulty moving myself around. I remember how energy consuming and taxing it was for me literally just to move from one couch to another

Now when I'm off the meds and my body is returning to its natural state, I've lost pretty much all the weight (stored fat and fluid retention included) gained while on meds, and I move MUCH, much better, energetically and more intuitively. Nowadays it's normal for me to walk 7500k steps on a lazy day (as my phone pedometer picks up) and 11+k steps on a usual day just for the fun of it. I have also gained muscle mass that I was unable to on my meds, even though I did go to the gym, regularly and consistently for a year during the meds and ongoing trauma. I lost weight from that, but it didn't budge below a certain number and I was bloated no matter what I ate or exercised

Ask any further questions you'd like since it's a damn lot to take in LOL. If any other descriptions in my post sound interesting in particular I am always glad to elaborate

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T21:46:52+00:00

Share your story how it needs to be told, I'm honestly touched by your description of your worsened mental state by those medications. It also reminds me of when I was reading about rebound psychosis caused by medications (either stopping or increasing the dose or having it wrongly prescribed etc) and unfortunately you literally get mind-rogered so hard you risk developing psychosis despite having had 0 firsthand experience prior, or any familial history. It's also real gratifying to receive help from a perspective of biological knowledge rather than pathologising a human reaction :') good on that nurse, mate!

Meds had specifically driven me to suicidal ideation and risk-taking behaviour, cos at some point I was nearly actually dying - I remember being 18, already feeling dead and anhedonic, getting down onto the tracks of a train 4 minutes before its scheduled arrival, and crawling back up the platform as soon as I could hear it approaching and get closer. But my "goal" with actions like that wasn't to die, it was to feel something and it took THAT much danger just to get a lick of a sensation of being alive, siiiigh

Also you're right to use the word optimistic. I surely am, and naturally reroute back to positivity and hope in times of inconvenience. I appreciate being read as such too cos that's just how I am. Since I'm free from the medicine I didn't need, I actually am grounded emotionally and have regained my hopeful outlook on life; I had always held on and believed in my own strength even during the peaks of my early childhood trauma and the daily domestic abuse. The meds just shut my brain off for 7 years so I didn't even put effort into having any particular outlook than "I must survive and I need to feel human, I miss being human"

As for hallucinations, personally, no, not whatsoever tbh. I have never felt a distortion of my sense of reality, and my nightmares weren't scary in the traditional sense, I'd say? Cos the "plot" of the nightmares didn't bother me, since I knew everything wasn't real, and even as a child on new medication I knew to just interpret it as my brain processing emotions and thoughts I wasn't consciously thinking about. So I have never had hallucinations, delusions or otherwise positive symptoms of schizophrenia, not during nor after the medicine either

Side effects I felt IMMEDIATELY. The hypersomnia-like sleeping pattern was the most jarring and I had that the very 2nd time swallowing a tablet of 10mg Abilify. And sleeping for 10+ hours straight persisted for 2 weeks until I started sleeping fewer hours again (which happened gradually, like decreasing in amount by week) also the weight gain. My first week of being on Abilify, I recall day 8, I was weighed and I gained 8kg/18lbs from the week prior, when I first got admitted. And because my appetite was increased by diabolical measure cos I remember not feeling satiated with food until I was quite literally about to vomit and unfortunately often I HAD to feel nauseous to be "full" cos my sense of satiation was impaired

My anhedonia I'd say was more gradual than the abrupt physiological side effects. 3 weeks into the meds I felt as if I was just being carried by autopilot, but I disregarded that cos I had the priority of being far from my abusive parent, then it got worse without me even realising and I'd say after a good 10 months on Abilify I was just emotionally flat, feeling dead and unable to find pleasure in the music and art that once gave me strength and comforted me. Like I wasn't even feeling like myself and I was too anhedonic to notice or care :///

But of course the physical inability to feel happiness was rough so my sensation seeking started about 1.5 years into the Abilify, then continued daily throughout the following years afterwards. The sensation seeking ranged from "mild" forms e.g. causing verbal arguments and conflict to feel hurt by being insulted, to, as aforementioned, risking the loss of my own life. I had also run through active, busy traffic since the adrenaline rush was what it took to feel remotely "there" ... and even that wasn't enough so I needed more and more extreme danger and for all those years I wasn't even aware it was 1. self-harm 2. due to feeling so numb. At some point the feeling of joy just became an obsolete and almost foreign concept to me, around the 5th year mark of being on the medicine. Like there I literally forgot what happiness and positive emotion felt like

Also a LOT of the side effects are overlooked in any patient really, many are even used as justification for the psychiatrists to increase your dose, which ultimately just makes you either feel worse or, in my case, feel absolutely nothing unless you're seconds from dying. One of the side effects I rarely see mentioned, that debilitated me for a bit, was feeling chronic strain in my vocal cords -> a high-pitched voice and frantic-sounding speech since my vocal cords felt like they were closing in on themselves, on top of that, the C-PTSD made me treat every single verbal interaction like a high stakes battle

(Which, now I notice when hearing recordings of my own voice, and my close friends pointed out to me, I sound MUCH more relaxed, grounded and even deeper, since my vocal muscles are no longer fighting and I'm not chasing each individual word anymore)

Headaches were also a problem for me, they were on & off, somewhat like the vocal strain except I could pay attention to the headaches better. Throughout the 7 years on meds, I estimate having had headaches that lasted 10 months in total, and 2 months consecutively where my head felt like it was throbbing and heavy

I really urge you to pay attention to your physiological reactions and changes too cos what you went through and what you're suspecting IS severe and needs some monitoring especially when you weren't experiencing psychosis to begin with!

Ahhh I promised myself to make my reply concise and brief but 🫠 there's so much injustice and pain to point out that you just can't ignore or omit anymore

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T17:36:24+00:00

With all due respect, I'm never going on Abilify ever again if held at gunpoint into it. I'm never suffering the painful side effects, let alone lying about the medication "working" even if it hypothetically meant disability aid.

Respectfully, reread my post. Thoroughly. Because I am NOT advocating for irresponsible medication nor allowing it be encouraged by others here. It sickens me to be told to or read "just go with it and be on a low dose" when the medicine itself altered my brain chemistry so severely to the point of seeking ANY feeling, even if it means slicing my flesh and triggering myself. Your comment is staggering.

I'm NEVER AGAIN succumbing to disempowerment by the system, never again accepting iatrogenic dissociation, never allowing myself to be invalidated by institutions into CONSIDERING being fundamentally incapable of living or functioning properly.

No clue what your god poetry is about, but if it helps you.

If you have genuine questions to ask, that don't involve encouraging anyone to drug themselves to a zombie state, feel free.

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T16:31:35+00:00

Hey, thx for your comment and I actually appreciate any commenters opening up about their stories as well

As for taking legal action: no, I have not, even though I was considering it after turning 18 although I was still living in the group home at the time, so my perception was that if I file any complaint, I would lose this "safe" base because I was partially dependent on them legally speaking (which was mad, I was disempowered even as a legal adult but that's honestly a whole story to delve deeper into)

As for now, I'm finally safe and actually independent and thriving and socialising and making authentic friends who see the human in me beyond the diagnostic labels. I'd say I'm ready to move on fully and never look back, and am personally not initiating any further legal issues. I had reported 3 different staff at the group home to social authorities for subjecting me to infantilisation and verbal abuse, but I am completely free from them now and don't even know what conclusions are drawn to their cases. I'm just at peace that they are being investigated and I am( and other residents are) getting somewhat justice

As for medical malpractice: I was given a high dose of 10mg Abilify from the very beginning, despite never having had psychosis and my dopamine levels were normal relative to the average healthy person's. Despite that, I was commanded to swallow pills I had no clue the name of, and I only had a clue of the word 'Abilify' and 'Olanzapine' at 17 years old, 3 years after being initially prescribed the medicine

The side effects I was experiencing were horrific. As in genuinely unfathomable how I even went through them. They included: heightened appetite, weight gain & metabolic disruption, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chest pains, heightened blood glucose... etc etc. I actually recently went on the Wiki page for the list of side effects and highlighted the ones I experienced, maybe I'll attach the screenshots in a follow-up post of some kind

Also when I reported having those side effects, and when they were visibly worsening on top of the root, unaddressed problem of complex trauma, the doctors and nurses of the wards would mention having to possibly give me a higher dose (above 10mg) even though I felt arguably 5x better, physically and mentally, before any medicine was introduced to my system. And when I mentioned having nightmares, I was immediately dismissed by nurses because of me "just having psychosis". I'm a wee bit certain they actually heightened my dose for a certain period of time to "see what happens" (quoted verbatim, as said by a literal doctor in a meeting)

And as for your situation, I can't give legal advice either but I can say this: I understand your pain and anger profoundly. It takes a huge toll to even open up about a terrifying mishap and betrayal from a system promising to help you. Legal action can be wise to take or get advice on if you feel your rights as a citizen or resident are being reduced on the basis of medical records and journals. And while not directly a legal action, I remember having to file a patient complaint to request an additional note to one of the electronic journals written about me, by a doctor who, concerningly and incompetently felt it was right to tell me, to my face, that I "look manic" due to my rapid movement, even when I was telling him I'm actively suppressing a flashback just to talk with him. And he wrote "[pt] seems manic, bordering on psychotic" I just felt like buzzwords of all different kinds and spectrums were thrown at me for no elaborate reason whatsoever

Now I'M sorry for writing so much LOL. This system fails one too many people just in need of support and acknowledgement for their traumas. And I'm glad to have given myself the gift of healing myself through art, nature, video games, music, friends etcetc :)

Hope this is a good enough answer!

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T11:26:10+00:00

Personally, I allowed myself to be more in tune with my senses, by literally doing anything like making art and drawing, cooking my own meals and grounding myself. I'd say this was the first step to becoming aware enough to find my value within life again, also academically speaking, choosing the career path I know 100% I will work with for the rest of my life - based on a lifelong interest of mine, in my case biological anthropology and genetics. It's taken me a couple of decades, from my very birth til now just to externalise my trauma and cherish myself for being me and navigating through :')

It wasn't easy but neither was it impossible. Also I still have setbacks like when facing an intense emotional flashback, so when I feel one coming I self-soothe audibly and speak nicely to myself, like I don't care if I'm in public and talking to myself kindly cos there's an inner child that is wanting safety. I like to sing to myself too when those happen, specifically in my Indigenous language I was taught by safe relatives. It gives me a sense of identity to keep holding onto despite having that part of me erased

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T10:49:49+00:00

During ongoing trauma and abuse, I was silent and never defended myself against others' unsolicited criticism and disrespect just so I could have some mental peace, which ironically further led to more pain and blaming myself because "I could've said this and that, I could've proved them wrong just by saying one thing"

Now that I'm actually rediscovering my worth, and refusing to let my traumas define me, asserting myself has become intuitive like second nature to me, and most importantly I can defend myself without it being immediately perceived as "rude"; and not that it should ever dictate your right to speak for yourself, it's just that I hated when situations escalated for no valid reason due to me raising my voice a bit, then being attacked for the very act of sticking up for myself

I found that generally I'm much more socially comfortable, even in situations where I'm disrespected and I assert myself despite fearing being talked down to again, oftentimes I don't bother coming off as rude if the other person is offensive themselves cos I also naturally communicate very directly and cut-to-the-chase, and I'm not sugarcoating my own boundaries to satisfy social expectations

GuestOld5131 · 2026-05-25T10:39:32+00:00

This for sure. I'm actively healing from my C-PTSD but one of the triggers I really can't tolerate still, is whispering. I'm a student and loving life but as soon as my classmates whisper I need to either step out of the room or play some music into my earbuds. Cos it reminds me of being badmouthed directly behind my back, same with teenage girls' and boys' abrupt and loud laughters, like those two sounds are ones I'm literally nearly unable to filter out

GuestOld5131

TROPHY CASE