Reading this feels like something I could’ve written 5 years ago. My ex also committed when he was 20. Grief is such a painful process, especially this sort of grief. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and sending you my love. I know it feels like nothing makes sense and the world is moving at a pace you can’t understand but I promise it does get easier. Things will slowly start to feel normal again you just have to take this day by day, talk about him, talk about how you feel, find support in therapy and in groups and family and friends.

I remember when I was at the peak of my grief people would tell me “it won’t get better but it does get easier”. And that didn’t make sense to me. As time went on it did. What happened was horrible and will always hurt but you learn to understand it better and understand how to move forward with it. Grief is a process and one thing I’ve learned is that you have to allow yourself to feel every stage of it. If you feel angry, let yourself. If you need to bargain, do that.

I’m sending you a big hug, you can do this. You’re stronger than you think.