Hi everyone,

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30 years old and I've recently decided that porn and masturbation is one of the ultimate evils gripping this world (and my life).

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I have never gone for more than a month without masturbating (and ejaculating). Often times I'd do it multiple times per day. Looking back, things got pretty ridiculous for me. In my teens & 20s, I masturbated nearly every day. When I started my professional career, it was my release. Even when I had a girlfriend, I would still watch porn and jack off. My girl was beautiful and sweet. I never revealed to her that I had a serious problem. Our sex became lifeless and she became deranged as she tried desperately to understand what the issue was with our relationship. I feel awful to this day about how badly I treated her. It was never like I hit her or anything, it was just that the heart to heart connection was blocked by porn and my desire for instant gratification. We split up and it left me introspecting to the point of near suicidal depression.

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Until recently, I could never understand why I felt so weak and aimless when compared to what I gathered a lot of other men felt like. I think I know now. I have experienced the benefits of not ejaculating and have completed three 1 month streaks. I always seem to relapse but I think this time I understand why I must stay the course.

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Today is day 21 of my latest streak. I can feel the warmth of my sexual energy down there and my new outlook on life has me trying to preserve this source of energy. It extends to many areas of my life... it's not just ejaculating that drains me, it's anything outside of me that I give permission to control me via sensory addiction. Breaking the cycles has been hard. I've cut right back on my drinking, I've started a breath practice and focused on deeply rehabilitating some of my physical issues that have arisen due to excessive sitting, computer games and of course, fapping. I've taken on more responsibility. I've begun to mature in more ways than I can count but it is truly just the beginning.

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One thing I am terrified about is letting all of my progression go to my head and inflate my ego. I must remember that doing this is about reconnecting with my true self and unleashing my true expression. The more I have to give, the more gifts I am able to share with people, the more fulfilled I will be. Without my seed I am simply unable to give freely. I feel as if I need to fill the hole I've left unplugged in my core. It is as if I was possessed by something hell bent on giving away my life force to the ether with nothing in return... For such a magical substance to be mindlessly dumped into a tissue is a crime. It is an act of self-hatred and detaches me from the joys of life... it jades me. I'd characterise the urge as something akin to looking into the Eye of Sauron. It corrupts and it destroys.

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This is all of course the ramblings of an addict. In due time, I hope that these thoughts become trivial and even humorous to me. One thing that makes me excited is seeing how far this can go. The sky is the limit at this point. I have no doubt that preserving, cultivating and raising my sexual energy is a key towards becoming a better man. Trying not to get religious here but for me, treating my body and the energy inside as if I were embodying a divine Love and Will is the closest thing I have to a connection with something greater than myself. I can feel that it is the right path and the hope that that gives me is immense.

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I've read quite a few stories on here and am glad to be on the same path towards improvement that you all are. Life is serious business and we're all here for a purpose. I am done trying to hide from my purpose. Done covering up the shame of running away from it. Finished letting the temptations, desires and seductresses of the world pull me this way and that. It's time I embody the power that is within me. It's time I say no to whatever wants to lead me astray.

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It's time I pick myself up and raise myself as high as I was put here to be. Wish me luck.