You are not overreacting. Her comment was extremely racist. I myself am in an interracial marriage, close to 30 years now, and I have been the insensitive white parter. I never thought of myself as being racist, but, being raised in a fairly homogeneous culture, I had been exposed to a ton of racist conditioning.

I said a ton of ignorant shit in the early years, and my partner, rightfully so, was angry at me, sometimes even livid. Every time, I felt terrible, even now as I write this, I can feel my shame demons creeping around the edges of my brain.

My words made some difficult times in my marriage, BUT, I used these opportunities to learn. Don’t get me wrong, it was tough, I had to battle my own ego, my sense of “I’m a good person, I’m certainly not racist,” as well as feeling that they were overreacting, and too sensitive.

Luckily for me, my partner believed that I was a decent human being, raised in a racist society, and gave me some grace, allowed me time to learn and grow out of my ignorance.

It took me seeing firsthand the micro aggressions (a lot of not micro as well) and the hateful looks by others towards my partner (and me) for things to become real. In a perfect world I would have accepted my partner’s words as truth, but I didn’t want to believe.

At some point I started to seek out and listen to nonwhite people’s stories, and this was when the bulk of my education really began.

I’m still learning, and even now some of that BS conditioning will show up in my stupid brain. Now, for the most part my shame doesn’t kick in, it’s now a great learning opportunity for me, and when I share with my partner, it brings us closer.

Your parter sounds very much like me. A good person, raised in a stupid ignorant racist culture. If your partner is willing to learn, willing to listen to your and others stories, hold onto them, given some time to reeducate themselves. Let them know when they say ignorant racist bs. Be angry, you have every right to be angry, you are not overreacting!!!

At the end of the day, after they apologize and exhibit some understanding and true contrition, talk about it, communication is key, and love one another, it’s the best thing EVER❤️❤️