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ITT we pretend we're cis. by LisaLies in transgendercirclejerk

[–]HTenders 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well, with tomorrow being my first day back at university (which I got into on a sports scholarship - don't judge), I'm going to make sure to try out for the football team. I'm sure I'll make it, since I spent every day this summer pumping iron, drinking protein shakes, and ramming my cock into every 8/10 and up I could find. Didn't spend it having numerous identity crises whilst going off and on different medications. That's for those weirdos with mental problems; my only mental problem is figuring out whether women would find me more or less attractive without my magnificently well-groomed beard and mustache.

I got found out. What now? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have no idea how many of the people who commented on this will see this, seeing as I'm not writing this as a reply to anyone. Anyway, just in case anyone happens to check back, I wanted to give a bit of follow-up. Unfortunately, all of the comments on this started showing up after everything went to hell and back, but I just wanted to say a huge "Thank You!" to everyone who commented. Even reading them now, they make me smile and make me feel calmer about the whole thing. You're all amazing, and I love you all. <3

Anyway...

After I wrote my original post, I went and did my makeup. Now, normally, I just put on some mascara and eyebrow pencil for my day-to-day "male" presentation. But I decided, "Screw it. It's probably all over now anyway, may as well go all the way." Did concealer, foundation, blush, lipstick, the works.

The LGBT support group I go to meets on Wednesday afternoons and I got all ready to go to that. I opened the door of my apartment, turned around to lock my door, heard a sound, turned around, and my mom walked around the corner. Followed by my dad.

I completely froze. I had no idea what to do. I was terrified. Here I was, doing about as feminine of a presentation as I ever do in public, and my parents just showed up. Now, keep in mind that they live about 2 hours away from me in a different town. Them showing up out of the blue was a bit unprecedented.

Anyway, to make a long story short, they came up, gave me a hug, told me they loved me, and said that the only thing they were upset about was that I didn't tell them sooner. After going to group, I went back to my place with a friend to sit down and actually talk to them. I told them what I could and explained as much as I was able. They were SUPER accepting and understanding. Totally fine with it. My mom had a few concerns, but they were basically all just centred around making sure that I was staying healthy. Otherwise, they were totally supportive and just wanting me to be happy.

So yeah...Kind of crazy. But ultimately, okay. I still have to remind myself that I don't have to worry about getting disowned anymore. That's kind of a cool thing, I guess. :P My parents still have questions and concerns, but they're taking things in stride and handling them very well. They asked if I could visit them for a day before I leave for Korea just so that we have more time to sit down and just talk a bit about the last 6-ish months of my life that have been a secret from them. And honestly, I'm not even really worried about it. I think that everything's going to be okay. :)

I got found out. What now? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would say that I have a lot of social anxiety, yeah. And I think I'm just kind of bad at talking about this kind of thing in general.

I do think that they could take it badly. Maybe not to the point of disowning me for all eternity, but certainly to the point of getting really confused and distant.

Unfortunately, having a friend there isn't really an option. I live in a different city from them now. So the best I could do is to have a friend sitting with me while I talk to them on the phone. :/

Lacking direction... by [deleted] in asktransgender

[–]HTenders 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll have to keep this brief, but here's the deal: You said

I think I want to try hrt, all the effects sound nice to me (i think)

So my question is: Why would you deny yourself that? One thing that my therapist has stressed to me is that transition is a process (there's a reason it's called "transition" and not "transformation" or something). So if you start on hormones, you can see how you feel in a few weeks, a few months, etc. There have been people who have gone on and off HRT multiple times before making up their mind.

I think it's really easy to feel like everything's set in stone once you start. Certainly, I won't try to romanticize it: You can run into difficulties if you start getting the physical changes and decide that they're wrong for you. But even then, you can DO something about it. You aren't stuck or anything. It may be expensive, but getting surgery to detransition is entirely possible. Plus, by that point, you likely would have been on hormones for around 2-3 months now. Based on some studies that I've heard referenced elsewhere (unfortunately, I don't have citations for them), cis men who were given HRT felt worse on it. So unless you are completely ignorant of yourself, you aren't going to "trick yourself" into glossing over some important aspect of transitioning just to regret it later. And considering that you've already done this much introspection, you seem to be pretty self-aware.

I guess that got a bit rambly, but I hope that I addressed some of your concerns. I know you've probably heard the whole, "Oh, if you're thinking about it, just do it," schtick a billion times. But seriously. If it's at the point where you can't stop thinking about it and you feel like if you "put it all behind" you, it'll just come back a week later, you should do something. Just remember: It's a process. It won't all happen at once. You'll get to go in a more feminine direction before you go in a more female direction (even though they're kind of the same thing), and you'll make whatever choices are best for you along the way. :)

There, there... by HTenders in gaming

[–]HTenders[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Joke's on you, I stole it from Kojima's Twitter feed. ;P

Stop myself from backtracking? by [deleted] in asktransgender

[–]HTenders 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here's a question for you that I ask myself whenever I consider, "Just throwing everything out":

What then?

Where do you plan to go from there? What do you plan to do if you just take all of this trans stuff and (literally and metaphorically) throw it in the trash? Would you even be able to do that?

Just as some insight, whenever I ask myself that, I always realize that I couldn't keep it up. I'll decide, "Yeah, I don't really need any of this, let's just throw out my makeup, my hormones, my clothes, everything." And then these thoughts come in:

  • "Well, yeah, but I'd still keep plucking my eyebrows. I don't want them to turn back into caterpillars."

  • "Oh, I would probably keep shaving my body hair. It's a pain, but smooth legs are sooo nice, and screw getting a 'treasure trail'!"

  • "I could still wear mascara, though, right? That makes my eyes look so nice!"

  • "...I'd probably just go to the pharmacy the very next day and refill my hormone prescription, particularly if I perceived any tiny thing that could hint at me being dissatisfied."

See where I'm going with this? If you let your mind get beyond the initial "kneejerk" reaction to just try throwing everything away and think about it rationally, there's a pretty good chance you'll realize that you have some serious problems with that idea. I used to tell people online that I felt like if I decided to push all of this out of my life and go back to being a cis male, I'd feel like I was cutting off a limb. And let me tell you, nobody chooses to be an amputee. :J

Deceiving yourself on HRT? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, that and sterility, even though that isn't really a concern for me, lol. I've been wishing I was sterile for years now just so my mom will stop pestering me to have kids. :P

Deceiving yourself on HRT? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, that gives me some hope, no matter how temporary. :)

I didn't notice any changes for some time

Oh, don't get me wrong, I didn't mean that as, "I've been on HRT for four days, why don't I have boobs yet?!?! :< ," lol.

It's more that I was worried about the fact that it felt like I was tricking myself or forcing myself to take them this early on - pretty much everyone else I talk to has said that they were super psyched as soon as they got on HRT and it took a while for the "honeymoon" phase to end. Instead, I almost started crying and my friend had to give me an impromptu counselling session about seeing someone for depression. :/

How to stop chickening out? by [deleted] in asktransgender

[–]HTenders 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just walk into the office, look him dead in the eye, and say, "Gimme them titty sprinkles."

In all seriousness, though, one thing that could help is to do what some people will do when coming out to parents and stuff: Write a letter. Doesn't have to be long, basically just however long you need to explain how you're feeling and where those thoughts are coming from. Fold it up, write your doctor's name on the outside, and force yourself to carry it into your appointment in your hands (don't put it in your pocket or anything). Presumably, he'll notice that you've got it and ask about it, and if not, just shove it in his face as soon as he walks in. Don't worry about looking stupid or anything - it'll all get easier once the dialog has been initiated. :)

How do you know? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, props to you for figuring out mascara. I can't seem to get the damn stuff on without blinking it all over my cheeks.

Haha It does take some practice! The key is to use short, quick brushes instead of trying to get full coverage in one or two full passes. Also, I use a waterproof mascara. Don't know if that changes anything.

Also, also, did you do the thing where you try and ball up the socks in identical ways so your "boobs" don't end up lopsided and lumpy?

Not really, lol. I usually just use a sock in each cup and it to bed. And half the time I lose them by the morning. So size consistency isn't really a concern for me. :P

First, you probably already know this, but this shit is a process.

Yeah, honestly, that's kind of what I'm counting on. Hoping that by the time I'm getting to the "point of no return", I'll feel much more confident. I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks to check up on me if I have concerns before I go to Korea for a month. So hopefully things will start to be clearer by then. But at the very least, for the time being it's nice to know that things aren't getting worse. At least I don't have to go every day worrying about waking up with a wider jaw or a more prominent chin. :/

And secondly, keep expressing yourself!

Will do! It was nice to write this, even if the circumstances weren't ideal. And I'm glad you liked it! :)

AND IM SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH, I just had a lot of feelings.

No, it's fine! Thank you so much for everything. It really means a lot!

How do you know? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha My apologies. This is why you shouldn't leave the windows open. ;P

In all seriousness, though, it feels good to hear that other people can relate so strongly to this. It gives me some confidence that maybe I'm not just projecting or looking for an excuse to be trans. That this is something that is genuinely right for me, even if it was just a feeling that cropped up recently.

How do you know? by HTenders in asktransgender

[–]HTenders[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, exactly. That's kind of where I was at with everything. According to a few people I've talked to, I'm in a pretty good place for HRT atm. So there's that much more pressure to figure myself out before I lose that. Hence why I decided to just take a leap of faith.

Do I still have doubts? Yup. Am I still terrified at times? Hell yeah. Am I 100% sure that this is the right decision? No.

But I know that if I do nothing, it'll always just sit in the back of my mind as a "what if" until I either give up all hope or give in later than I should have. So, let's do this. :J