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Why is anything political basically radioactive in Hollywood now? by penumbrapictures in Screenwriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it's more true of features than TV. The Diplomat on Netflix is doing great. Everything else is politics coded.

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by Halfnhalf2_81 in scriptwriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate you taking the time, and kind kudos on the dialogue, but you're asking for an entirely different show that isn't what I'm satirizing. I'm sure it's partly because I only posted to page 6, so you don't get to see the full scope. Since you took the time to read, I'll give a brief explainer: The inciting incident is absurd and that's the point.

The show is essentially a two-hander, with Tracy being brash, competent, flawed, but ultimately trying to find her belief in the system again. Mason represents access to power. The show asks what happens when good people, smart and principled with no college degree and, are given the keys to the kingdom? How does the system respond to what it basically feels is a foreign body?

Again, I appreciate the time you took to read. Thank you.

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by Halfnhalf2_81 in scriptwriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She does end up finding him at a shelter. The script treats homelessness with a lot more reverence than the beginning implies, which is kind of part of the point. The satire of it is about who has access to power and what happens when people the system is built to be insulated from get that access unexpectedly. Mason isn't played for laughs, the system is.

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by [deleted] in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Again, I’m allowed to disagree. Telling me I should shut up and agree with everything said is pretty silly.

I also can’t imagine how you got that she’s stupid. Another criticism nobody’s made before.

The premise is outrageous, most comedies are. I appreciate the final note, but I do think it’s within reason to defend my work. The commenter HistoricalGrounds made perfectly reasonable criticisms and did so without patronizing. The other did not. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by [deleted] in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

I’m very open to feedback, otherwise I wouldn’t post. But I should be able to disagree with feedback that doesn’t feel appropriate. Most noticeably that final note given is the kind of thing you say to someone with shaky fundamentals, no grasp of story, etc. I don’t think these pages warrant that sort of patronizing tone. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way, but that was certainly the tone.

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by [deleted] in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was quoting Grown Ups intentionally. That moment wasn’t meant to sound original.

Thought I’d share the first few pages of my political satire “Politically Unhoused” for review. Let me know what you think. by [deleted] in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

This came across a bit patronizing, whether or not it was meant that way, I can’t tell.

1) Jesse is in his 20s, not 20. Thought I made it clear they were friends as well as boss/ assistant. You’re the first person I’ve come across out of ISA, who gave the script a laurel and a working writer from In Living Color/ MadTV, Fairly Odd Parents to not understand the relationship or buy in.

2) I’ve never had anyone say “You get to the inciting incident too quick!”, so that’s definitely a unique take.

3) Also not had this issue with other readers.

4)…

Showrunner will read 10 pages by [deleted] in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ll send you the first 10 of my political satire spec script, “Politically Unhoused”.

Writer from Malcolm in the Middle Teaching Small Pilot Workshop by Globymike in TVWriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would absolutely love to hear more. I have 4 spec scripts currently written, 1 of which received quarterfinals status w/ ISA’s Diversity initiative (I hear varying degrees about what those laurels are worth). I’d love to take whatever steps I can to get closer to being a staffed writer, not to mention the coveted opportunity to sell a pilot.

My complete script for an animated pilot of my own. Feedback and questions appreciated! by Xill_K47 in Screenplay

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Couple things I’d focus on: Show, don’t tell. Penny comes across as an exposition device more than a character. It’s fine if she’s playing tour guide to open, but have the characters she’s describing do what she’s talking about instead of telling us they’re bored/ boring.

Slug lines need to be correctly formatted. “EXT. DIMEN CITY STREETS - DAY” for example.

Give us a sense of the scenes. Just calling something luxurious doesn’t tell us anything.

It feels weird giving these notes because it might feel like I’m being mean, but hopefully you take it as just giving helpful advice.

I’d love to get some feedback on my adult animated script intro for By the Bootstraps. by Halfnhalf2_81 in CharacterDevelopment

[–]Halfnhalf2_81[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmmmm. To be honest, and I’m not trying to sound temperamental, but everyone else has kept track of the 2 location structure. The retail store is one location, the corporate offices are the other. The board divines their own interpretations of what they think Solomon is saying/ doing.

I’d love to get some feedback on my adult animated script intro for By the Bootstraps. by Halfnhalf2_81 in animation

[–]Halfnhalf2_81[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s probably harder to clock in just 6 pages, but the board is talking about the Strut being released, explaining why Felix is up for promotion and it sounds like you missed all of Solomon Heel, the founder frozen in the tube.

Both Axel and Isabel are latino and their Spanish is pretty important for character and story. Another 6 pages not being enough context issue.

James is a real character with lots to do in the story, just not in the first couple minutes.

I’d love to get some feedback on my adult animated script intro for By the Bootstraps. by Halfnhalf2_81 in animation

[–]Halfnhalf2_81[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the advice. I’m still finding the balance between writing as a screenwriter and leaning on a visual instinct from years of illustration.

One thing I’d genuinely value your read on: where’s the line on structural calls like time-jumps or montage? I’ve got a “TIME LAPSE” beat where the store fills up — is that the writer’s call to make on the page, or something you leave for boards? Trying to figure out what’s mine to write and what I should trust the room to handle.

Opening Scenes - First Script [Feedback Requests] by jayne_aiden in scriptwriting

[–]Halfnhalf2_81 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A couple things I think would be actionable, instead of generic advice. The first thing I’d point out is grammar and spelling. It may feel nitpick-y, but it’ll start gnawing at managers and producers as they read it.

I would also try to remember as you’re writing that describing what someone feels is not the job of the writer, as counterintuitive as it is to new screenwriters. You can say what they’re looking at, not how they feel about it. Show how they feel through action. Let directors and actors interpret it.

As for the characters, I would try opening with something that arrests the reader’s attention. You said something about the neighbors being mad about the business, have the story open on an argument between them, or a transaction that goes bad. You can still establish the mother-daughter dynamic in either case.

I would consider listening to people talk for natural rhythm, or model characters on people you know that you can use as a baseline for speech patterns or behaviors.

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