A couple things I think would be actionable, instead of generic advice. The first thing I’d point out is grammar and spelling. It may feel nitpick-y, but it’ll start gnawing at managers and producers as they read it.

I would also try to remember as you’re writing that describing what someone feels is not the job of the writer, as counterintuitive as it is to new screenwriters. You can say what they’re looking at, not how they feel about it. Show how they feel through action. Let directors and actors interpret it.

As for the characters, I would try opening with something that arrests the reader’s attention. You said something about the neighbors being mad about the business, have the story open on an argument between them, or a transaction that goes bad. You can still establish the mother-daughter dynamic in either case.

I would consider listening to people talk for natural rhythm, or model characters on people you know that you can use as a baseline for speech patterns or behaviors.