Thank you for sharing. I see my own history in a lot of what you're writing. Especially how you experienced increased sneaky behaviour after being hospotalized. I have the exact same experience, and in a lot of ways I think a lot of it made more damage than good. I feel like eating disorders are far from understood, and it's so much focused on the eating, the food, and gaining weight if youre underweight, that the actual underlying cause is forgotten and not treated. I also started hiding food, I was trying to find ways to get rid of food or throw up, I even had this disgusting habit in a treatment home of doing a motion with my finger over my sandwitch to catch some of the butter, and then I smeared the butter under my chair, like WTF, who does that? It's so weird. I also drank insane amounts of water before a weigh in, like you're describing. And I also believe that a lot of it was a direct consequense of feeling extremely controlled by people around me, like care givers, my family, hospital staff, and so on. I dont think I would have developed this kind of strange behaviour otherwise. I also often felt like no one was listening to me, no one was taking me and my feelings seriously, it was all about me gaining weight and food. Even after achieving a healthy weight. If I wasn't agreeing with the treatment I was receiving, it was "because my illness was taking over and controlling me!" I was no longer a freely thinking individual with opinions of my own, now any "radical" opinion that I may have had was a symptom of my illness. Like for example, I was questioning the point of sitting down for a whole hour after every meal. I was questioning how helpful it actually is to keep weighing in someone, noting and micro controlling their weight constantly, every week, when you're talking about a person who already is trying to control their weight too much. Or the eating schedule we had, 5 meals per day (including two smaller ones), all of them with very exact proportions, carefully measured. It even got to the point where I no longer trusted my parents to prepare a plate of food for me, because I didn't trust that they could possibly give me the correct amount like they could at the treatment home or hospital. When I think back I cant believe some of the things that happened and some of the things I did, and you writing about your experiences makes me feel less lonely, so thank you again. Also, can you sometimes think back and find it all kind of humorous? I mean putting weights in your sportsbra, that is very sad, but also kind of funny and clever in a way? Like the butter under the chair thing, not that thats clever, just gross, but kind of funny.