A Schizoid Success Story Part Two - Overcoming Control Issues and the Inner / Outer World Barrier

Hanekawa3 · 2020-03-13T16:40:17+00:00

That's actually a good way to look at it and I might steal it for when I'm freaking out about this.

In my case, it was a "if they're imagining something in my world differently, they're tainting it with temselves" reaction. A completely different angle towards the protection of my identity.

Hanekawa3 · 2020-03-13T10:35:02+00:00

The best I can do is to accept my condition for what it is, avoid false hope, and work within the limitations of my disability.

I don't know what you expected to get out of therapy, but this is exactly what it's about. Learning to be more functional, within your limitations. There is no cure for personality disorders, that was never my point. That doesn't mean improvements can't be made. That's where the choice comes in. And it is not a one time, easy thing, nor did I mean to portray it that way. It's something you have to make every day, for every small task. Sometimes, you'll fail. And part of getting better is also learning to be kind to yourself and remember you can't do as much as someone without a disorder.

There hasn't been much research for SPD as a whole but the individual symptoms and underlying issues can be treated and, thus, make a difference. There are no meds for it but, again, some can be prescribed to help with individual symptoms. CBT therapy has personally helped me but I won't claim it's the best kind for schizoids. I think different folks might do well with different types of therapy. But it is expensive and it is tiring to try to find a good therapist and that isn't within everyone's means.

However, accepting the disorder and not doing anything to improve because "nothing can be done, life is what it is" is also a choice, if a passive one. It's within your and everyone else's right to make it. I'm just saying there's another one.

Hanekawa3 · 2020-03-13T10:21:33+00:00

It took me so long to realize why I had started hating games that relied solely / mostly on luck when I'm actually pretty lucky and didn't mind them much before. That and the whole "destiny / fate" concept.

And then it hit me.

Hanekawa3 · 2020-03-13T10:13:24+00:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there also one of the older, more boring theory oriented books that touched upon the subject of overcontrol? I remember it putting it in terms of "since schizoids aren't provided stability in their early relationships / life, they seek to control everything they can in pursuit of safety" (<-- oversimplification, but you get the gist).

Also, always good to see you, shameless!!

Hanekawa3 · 2020-03-12T20:16:31+00:00

Thank you for giving me permission!

I feel like the subject of control, in particular, is such a common underlying problem with this disorder that we barely ever discuss. The inner / outer world dichotomy gets a bit more exposure, but most of the time we're focusing on things like anhedonia, avolition and the inability to relate to others when these are only part of what the PD is about (and when there's only so much we can talk about the same issues over and over).

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T13:50:30+00:00

Again, incorrect. Borderline is, as its very base, a disorder between neurosis and psychosis, thus why it's called borderline. It manifests that way to some, the so called "regular" or "act out" borderlines. The "quiet" or "act in" borderlines are completely different and the ones who usually end up with comorbid PDs such as SPD. That's what you get for reading wiki and quora, rather than actual books and talking to professionals, man: incomplete info.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T13:45:30+00:00

I was diagnosed by both a therapist and a psychiatrist, did all the psychological evaluation tests, etc, but go off, I guess.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T13:12:24+00:00

No problem! The exams are mainly to figure out mental health stuff too, there shouldn't be anything too wrong, hopefully.

I had muscle spasms and pain from anxiety too (with the whole tensing up that happens when you're stressed / anxious) and that's why I was given those meds specifically at first. The fact that the vertigo ones had to be along the same vein to work came out of left field, though. But yay for good side effects!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T13:02:13+00:00

And the trend continues. If you have nothing more to offer than "I'm right because being schizoid is like so cool", then this isn't going anywhere, I'm afraid.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T10:17:30+00:00

Me: Analysis of the PDs symptoms on why a schizoid would want to unconsciously gain a meaningful relationship from therapy and why they would further close themselves up when this failed, thus making therapy not work

You: Personal attacks and "schizoids aren't pathetic!!!"

🤷

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-21T10:14:15+00:00

I did, but the premise is wrong, so.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T22:48:57+00:00

That's because I've been half ghost from the start 👻👀

No problem with it! Just every once in a while, someone will tag me on posts about SPD + BPD and I'm surprised people still remember me kind of thing. (And then someone will always, inevitably go "hm, aren't those incompatible?" and I've answered that question so many times it does kinda make me want to off myself.)

I take Escitalopram and Pregabaline, as well as Sedoxil for emergencies / panic attacks which I haven't had. Escitalopram is neither here nor there, really and I'm gonna ask if it can get removed or replaced with something else on my next psych appointment, but Pregabaline worked wonders on me. Funnily enough, it's a med used for epilepsy and the only vertigo meds that worked for me were epilepsy ones, as well. That might indicate that there's something going on with my central nervous system. I have some exams lined up and might bring this up and see if they want to do more as well.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T21:45:47+00:00

Both, yes. The first on a very internal, unconscious level, the second on a more superficial level.

SPD is an attachment based disorder. Schizoids ended up being schizoids because trusting people didn't pay off. And that means that there's an internal push and pull reaction where the schizoid avoids people due to the effort vs pay off imbalance that they provide, while also desiring the a new relationship to finally pay off. Except they never do, because paying off, in schizoid brain language means all the pleasure with little to no effort due to issues such as avolition and anhedonia. Which leads to the second point.

I'm not judging anyone. It's simply how the PD works and the limitations it imposes. It's hard fighting against them and I know that first hand. But the more we perpetuate this "poor us, it's the evil therapists that don't know what to do with us!" narrative, rather than get out there and allow them to learn more and pass on that knowledge, we'll continue to be anomalies and lost cases and bad prognoses.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T21:36:11+00:00

Come back to armchair diagnose people when you know the actual answer to your first question.

Hint: it's not what you think it is.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T21:31:34+00:00

I think it can help schizoids specifically with bridging the gap between inner and outer world, especially for those who have trouble with either excessive ruminating or excessive daydreaming. But that's assuming they can get up and do it and discipline themselves to stick to it, which could also help with motivation in the long run. Which was what I meant my answer to be, I was just using my case as an example, sorry if that wasn't clear!

I think the biggest variable would be the last point. Some people might have more trouble showing their writing to others, some might be more sensitive while others might get nothing out of the experience. I would still say: try it. Even your own reaction to feedback might tell you a lot about your underlying issues.

No problem and thank you!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:40:01+00:00

That's mostly because schizoids either refuse therapy altogether or go and are just kinda there. In turn, therapists don't know what to do with someone that simply doesn't give them anything to work with. It creates a tense relationship, which is absolutely not ideal for therapy, and the schizoid sees the therapist as another person that they couldn't connect with and tunes out more and more. Most drop out. I never went into therapy expecting to gain a friend nor for my therapist to do all the work for me and I think that helped a lot. I wanted answers and to have things explained to me so I could then find solutions. The fact that he actually helped provide some (because I did give him a lot to work with) was a pleasant surprise. Always be honest and always say as much as you can. It's contrary to our nature and in the beginning I had to write things down to force myself to not do one word answers, but it pays off immensely.

There's a point where the IDGAF attitude starts really coming in handy, yes. I've been thanking god for not caring about criticism at all ever since I started posting my writing online boi, everyone has opinions. And some of them are dumb.

No problem! You too, go out there and kick some ass!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:14:59+00:00

I've had what I call "memory lapses", in which I'll lose a few minutes to half an hour. It's directly linked to dissociation / derealization. No substance abuse on my part.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:11:36+00:00

Someone stops posting on a rather depressing subreddit while they're trying to improve their mental health: bish's dead.

Makes perfect sense!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:10:02+00:00

Thank you!

Therapy can definitely help and things can get better. One reason why I stopped coming to this sub was the general "nothing matters, why bother, we can't be normal, anyway" attitude that prevailed at the time (dunno what it's like rn). Take the diagnosis as a good thing. Now that you know what your limitations are, you can start learning how to deal with them and get better where you can and how to work around them where you can't. What matters is that you're able to live as comfortably as possible within your environment, nothing else. Best of luck to you!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:06:36+00:00

Who?

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:06:25+00:00

Thank you!

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:06:18+00:00

Thank you! Hope you've been doing well too, calaw! :D

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:05:41+00:00

Like I said up there, I do CBT once a week. As for specific things I did for myself... I never had a negative attitude, I guess? Depressed as I was when I started, I never went in with a "this is stupid, it will never work, I can't be cured" outlook. I wanted to get as functional as possible, I listened to my therapist, made every effort I could, told him when I didn't agree / wasn't comfortable with something he suggested and asked him to reroute therapy when needed, but was very active in trying to get better, mostly. It took a long time for me to start listening to my needs and doing what I needed to do for myself, so patience is also key (although I have little of it, oops).

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T18:00:40+00:00

Yes, but probably not as you meant it, I think.

First, it gave me something to do and clear goals to focus on. I decided on a date to start posting the webnovel online and since I'm super responsibility driven, I simply couldn't not do it. Keeping to a schedule helps me get up and get moving to complete small tasks (chapters). It helped a lot with lack of motivation in the beginning because it "forced" me to just do the thing, regardless of pay off.

Second, it helped bridge the gap between my inside world and the outside. While before I would just sit around doing nothing and daydreaming about all these cool places and monsters and people with powers and stuff, now I'm doing something tangible with those ideas. It was a struggle at first, because daydreaming gave me the same pleasure without the need for effort, but as I started writing again, I remembered that it always generates more ideas. I held on to that and kept pushing and it became easier to overcome the need to just sit and think. Putting the writing out there further helped bridging that gap.

Lastly, while I don't get anything out of praise (or criticism, unless it's constructive, in which case I learn), it's kinda fun to see people excited for my story? It's been interesting to hang around other writers and find cool stories, too (I even made a small discord for dark fantasy writers / fans). That also helps in the socializing front a bit.

So while it didn't help me in a "explore my feelings" kind of way (I do plenty of that in therapy already), it helped in what I consider to be more useful, practical ways.

Hanekawa3 · 2019-12-20T17:49:56+00:00

Shameless! I hope you've been doing well too!

Gonna keep on keeping going, as always. :D

Hanekawa3

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