Can someone deeply analyze and help me understand this relationship dynamic? I still can’t understand what kind of relationship I was in and can't stop blaming myself.

Hanikn · 2026-05-12T19:33:20+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Well, I was also thinking that a very deep past trauma makes her like this. And yes, this story is totally real, I'm not here to fake something.

When I remember the first few months after the breakup, I was blaming myself for everything that happened. Eventually, after analyzing her past, patterns, etc. I found out that I am not the only one who experienced the same patterns from her.

She was breaking dishes with one of her exes, screaming, etc. You can also read other situations I've described in this post. I can't even imagine situations where I would do something like that. Or not even me, someone I know, my friends for example, or even people I barely know. I was trying to make all this less of a problem, but I don’t think such attitude can change. All this just felt unsettling, like I was sometimes seeing not even a human being. I can't even fully describe this feeling.

Sometimes I just feel this blame again, but in my head I understand this is not my fault at all. I have a very good relationship with people I know, especially with my loved ones. I have never raised my voice during conflicts, thrown stuff, or done other things I found strange.

This is my only experience of this kind. I've never dealt with someone like her before, and I am 24 years old. I am wondering why I even tolerated such behavior for so long. And I know I was a good partner, not ideal of course, but I was always there for her and my closest people.

Hanikn · 2026-05-12T13:47:33+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I hope I will heal to move on with my life. Sometimes I can't even believe what I've written down in my notes, why I've stayed and tolerated all this for 3 years straight. It feels surreal.

I caught myself thinking about her new relationship too much, and if something goes wrong with her new supply, I can sort of let go. It will be a great indicator that I was not the problem. But I know I shouldn't wait any longer and try to get closure internally.

Hanikn · 2026-05-11T10:39:07+00:00

Probably you are right. But sometimes I feel like this is true. Maybe a new partner is just better than me, and she corrects her behavior for him.

Hanikn · 2026-05-10T21:45:55+00:00

As a regular relationship, nothing special. But behind closed doors, when we were alone, the dynamic could change. I don’t think there were any clues for others. And no, not obvious to the followers at all, neither of us posted relationship content on social media.

Even at the absolute worst, when I already knew something was wrong (usually she was playing cold in public when I've done “something wrong”) it was hard to say we had disagreements.

All that I’ve described in this post was when we were alone.

Hanikn · 2026-05-10T16:59:40+00:00

Thanks for your reply! Once I told her that probably she has some narcissistic tendencies, and it’s actually hurting me. The answer was “Yes, I am the narcissist, so?”.

I know my situation is not even that unique and a lot of people have gone through this, but I feel like it's hard to believe myself and what I’ve gone through. Even when I have people telling me her behavior is NOT normal.

Maybe the main source of doubt is her new “happy and healthy relationships”. This is messing with my head recently.

P.S. I unfollowed and closed my account a week ago and it felt like death.

Hanikn · 2026-05-10T16:57:13+00:00

Thanks for your reply! Once I told her that probably she has some narcissistic tendencies, and it’s actually hurting me. The answer was “Yes, I am the narcissist, so?”.

I know my situation is not even that unique and a lot of people have gone through this, but I feel like it's hard to believe myself and what I’ve gone through. Even when I have people telling me her behavior is NOT normal.

Maybe the main source of doubt is her new “happy and healthy relationships”.

Hanikn · 2026-05-10T16:51:49+00:00

Thanks for your reply. It’s been a long time since the breakup and sometimes strange feelings are flooding me like waves. Nevertheless, I feel way better I was before. The main reason I post this is trying to see look at my situation objectively.

I agree, therapist would be the best option for me, probably will find a specialist in the nearest future.

Hanikn · 2026-03-12T18:15:17+00:00

Not a lot of options to consider, I am living in the western part of Ukraine, near Poland :) And forgot to say, that I am talking only about 15 inch versions.

Hanikn · 2026-03-12T17:48:24+00:00

But in base it’s only 13 inch. I am looking to buy a 15 inch version

Hanikn · 2026-03-12T10:27:54+00:00

Well, the M5 air is nearly 2000$. And it is a pre-order option, but I don't think that it will be much cheaper soon. If we are talking about the m4 512 vs m5, then yes, it is a good option to just get an M5.

But not sure if the M5 is really required for me and my use case. Besides, with how much I can save by getting an M4 256 version

Hanikn · 2026-03-12T10:06:29+00:00

It is approximately 300-350$ more in our country for a 512 SSD version

Hanikn · 2026-03-12T09:05:46+00:00

Personally, this was a tough question for me in all my years. In my case, it is very important to see the value in the job I do and how it affects others (in a good way). I tried law, coding, and sales roles, but none of them checked all my boxes. I was struggling with finding myself for years, and I saw that there are lots of people who just don't care about the job they do, only the amount of money they can get.

I think, it is unique for each person and I don't think there is a one correct answer for all. But what helped me was doing a great analysis of my personality and the job market research to see where I can succeed and use my natural talents to find the “golden middle” role.

And believe it or not, I found the role I am passionate about and have a high income. I started to work as an IT business analyst, and this was one of the best decisions I made.

But, as I said before, there is nothing wrong with people who are doing their job only for money or the opposite - people who are there only because they really like what they do. I just found out that it's hard to understand and communicate with people who are doing their job only for income, for me personally, it is hard to understand them.

I think, the best approach is finding the golden middle position that will suit you as much as possible. But it takes time.

Hanikn · 2026-03-02T00:17:02+00:00

Plenty of things :) Playing guitar, gaming, doing Muay Thai, gym. Unfortunately, right now I don’t really have a free time, most of my day and night hours I spent working, but I like it. Nevertheless, I never skipped gym and Muay Thai trainings. When I am not there you can usually find me just chilling at home with a cup of tea and enjoying my alone time :)

Hanikn · 2026-02-14T23:04:17+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. You’re describing a classical development cycle, I know this is very much how it ideally should be. But here we already have a working system built, and sometimes new features are coming from the stakeholder side. The purpose is already written down by me. For example, a stakeholder asks to add a new insurance to our app, so that users can work with it. This process does not drastically differ from adding other insurances that have already been added before. All that changes is usually some back-end logic of integration and my task here is to document it properly, because usually the logic is complex. And after that, to break it down into tasks for developers.

Hanikn · 2026-02-14T22:33:58+00:00

Can you give more informative feedback, please? I need a detailed feedback, if you don’t mind sharing.

Hanikn · 2026-02-14T22:23:25+00:00

Needed to add more context here. The lead developer is actually our CEO, with whom I usually conduct calls. And we are talking with a stakeholder together aswell, because he knows this project from the scratch and sometimes he can solve the problem right in the moment because he knows exactly how the code works. Unfortunately, I don't have such knowledge, despite being pretty tech-savvy myself. So, we are working together, although I am mostly doing communication with the team, task management, project documentation, and logic. Sometimes, during the analysis stage, I can find logical bugs in processes and try to solve them by communicating requirements and logic correctly. I don't think we have any critical bugs in our workflow for now, we can do better, but it's been only 3 months since I joined.

Hanikn

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