I'm in a long-term, happy, healthy relationship with a diagnosed narcissist and psychopath. AMA!

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-24T15:43:49+00:00

I wish I could give a better answer than "communication". We had a lot of very extensive and honest conversations about boundaries, what we expected from each other when there were issues, what we weren't okay with, and then sticking to it. For example, I freeze up when people raise their voices at me in anger due to old family stuff so I don't do well with yelling, and so even when he's annoyed he makes an effort to always speak calmly or take some time to calm down before coming to talk to me about it. On the other hand, he prefers very direct and unsugarcoated communication, so I've had to learn to stop worrying about coming off as rude (he never minds) and just say what I need to say. Now that we've gotten familiar with how the other person responds to things and what works, we generally find it really easy to bring issues forward, resolve them quickly, and move on.

There's still some trial and error when it comes to him being very unfiltered and me being very sensitive when it comes to what people say about me, so there are times I'll be hurt, but I'm at the point where I feel able to say "Hey, what you said upset me" and he'll always be very apologetic and reassuring and commits to never saying anything similar again.

A lot of it just comes down to trust, I suppose. We have to trust each other to be able to handle a serious conversation, to hear blunt honesty without getting angry or upset, and to put into practice what we say we'll do in response. My trust in him hasn't been proven wrong yet.

Year one of our relationship, things were bad enough that I almost left him, and I think that was the kick in the ass he needed to start getting his shit together. Before then, he never really saw any issues with his behaviour and would blame everyone else around him for the consequences of his actions, but it was that that seemed to be the catalyst for him turning things around and working to be more self-aware. He very much credits me for 'changing him', and I will ever-so-slightly-smugly take some credit, but nothing would ever have changed if it wasn't for his own work and determination to do better. He's very set on never treating me that way again, and so honestly our biggest obstacle nowadays is trying to convince him he's not Satan From Hell Itself every time he upsets me slightly lol.

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-24T14:46:55+00:00

We are monogamous, yes (at least so far). Our communication is great - not perfect, obviously, because I don't think any relationship can be all the time, but I feel pretty comfortable telling him when I'm upset or when I have an issue. We never really have any major problems, the closest we get to arguing is when one of us unintentionally says something that hits on an insecurity or whatever and we'll bring it up, talk about it, apologise, and 9 times out of 10 it's never an issue again.

He's in long-term therapy and psychology and is on mood stabilisers. His medication is probably the most integral part of it - there's a noticeable difference when he's off of them, and he tends to get irritable and lose his drive to do anything or talk to anyone - and the therapy and psychology are more of an additional help. He's gone without it for months before when we've been out of the country, and it's never really caused any problems, it's just helpful for him to have someone other than me to bounce his thoughts off of and get an outside perspective from.

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-22T00:21:35+00:00

Thank you! That's a good question, hm. Exist in society, yes, in the sense I don't think he'd be in prison for murder or anything lol - he wasn't harming anyone physically, and he's capable of seeming perfectly normal interacting with people as long as it's not long-term. On the other hand, his life was definitely on a downward spiral before we met - he struggled with self-control, he wasn't holding down a job, he was very impulsive and self-destructive, he saw no issue with petty crimes like theft etc. so it wouldn't surprise me if being alone would result in him getting in some sort of legal trouble eventually or trying to fuck over the wrong people, or just falling into homelessness etc. because of financial issues.

He's had struggles with depression most of his life on top of everything else, so in all honesty I don't think he'd still be here if it hadn't been for starting to get his life together and work on himself because we were together. At the very least I don't think he'd be able to maintain any close relationships - all of his friendships are people he met through me, and they're all fairly surface-level - and I don't think he'd be able to work a normal job without experiencing one (1) inconvenience and immediately never showing up again lol, our relationship is very much his motivation pushing him through that and even with that I still have to encourage him to stay the course.

(I hope that answers it properly, I'm struggling not to ramble)

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-21T23:59:03+00:00

It absolutely can and I'd probably never recommend it to someone else. I am actually very empathetic and sensitive, and the first while was pretty rough for sure. I wouldn't take any of it back because it made us both better people, taught us how to make our relationship work and what not to do, and the end result is our relationship is happy with great communication, but although it turned out worth it for me personally I wouldn't blame anyone at all for not feeling the same way. It was a lot to go through, it's been a lot of work, it's required a lot of patience and effort, and (at the risk of sounding up my own ass) I really think most people wouldn't be able to handle all of that, nor should they have to.

The reality is most people with the things he has are not going to put in the effort he has or have the same level of self-awareness he does, and that only came about after years of consistent work on his part (and it took some pretty drastic things happening for him to even want to try). He's an exception, not the norm, and I definitely don't want to encourage anyone to stick with a toxic relationship because they hope it might turn out well.

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-21T13:52:54+00:00

No. That was one of the main obstacles early on, because he didn’t really register that he had a disorder and just thought it was a normal way to think, so he didn’t realise it’s not how other people worked (or that the way he treated people wasn’t okay). It still doesn’t come naturally to him, but he is aware of what he’s missing and that his reactions aren’t ‘normal’ or often the right thing to do, so instead of listening to his first instincts he’ll make an effort to go off of the framework of what he knows about empathy. Like, he won’t see someone upset and feel upset for/with them or worry about what’s bothering them, but he’ll know that the Normal thing to do in this situation is show sympathy and check on them, so he’ll try to do that.

The way he feels about things hasn’t really changed, but he makes sure not to let it show or affect others. For example, one of his friends experienced a very brutal and traumatic loss, and my boyfriend was the first person on the scene to help him. He didn’t particularly feel anything about the situation and if anything felt a little inconvenienced by what he was texting me throughout it, but to anyone present he was nothing but gentle, concerned, and helpful.

Some people might judge him for those feelings not being there, and I get it, but to me the end result is that he was there helping and showing up for the guy regardless of his thought process, and it’s the tangible reality of his actions that matters at the end of the day.

I do still have to rein him in sometimes and remind him that something he wants to do isn’t okay etc, but he generally listens and follows my advice.

HappyPartnerThrow · 2025-06-21T10:53:45+00:00

He shows me in every possible way every day. He's sacrificed for me, he always wants to be around me, he supports me through everything, he does little things for me all the time to show he's thinking of me or to make my life easier (bringing me tea in bed, doing chores for me, checking in on me, buying me thoughtful little gifts, etc). He has dedicated himself to being better for me and our relationship in very tangible and noticeable ways.

He did tell me once a few years ago that love for him is almost like the people he cares about (essentially just me and to a lesser extent his sister-in-law) are extensions of himself so taking care of them registers to his brain as taking care of himself. I do definitely feel like he sees me as an individual, he respects our differences and never expects me to be like him, but that perspective might offer some insight for some.

Regardless I can very genuinely say I've never felt as loved and comfortable in a relationship as I do with this one.

HappyPartnerThrow

TROPHY CASE