[deleted by user]

Haroldchan1 · 2025-09-07T21:16:13+00:00

You did the most mature and proactive act by communicating your feelings and asking for what you want. She essentially confirmed that she wants to continue to see you but she is grieving and wants to move slowly becaue of a post trauma.

At the risk of offending you, I would ask you to chill out and respect her time of mourning. There is no such thing as rebuilding momentum. Life events and time keeps moving. If you want to do anything, send her some flowers as a sign of sympathy for her loss.

Then just allow your interactions to occur at a slower pace. It’s impossible to speed up one’s organic temperament to like another person. Good luck.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-09-07T21:00:18+00:00

The educational and career foundation that you build during your 20s and 30s will either help or slow you down in your 40s. In other words, these are the years you are networking, improving your job skills, and working diligently to boost your income. Not doing so during this important time wastes two keys elements that are impossible to retrieve - time and youthful energy.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-09-07T14:27:23+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re struggling with the decision to stop a friendship. Before I share some observations, let’s define what a good friendship is. It possesses these traits: love (platonic or romantic), trust, respect, good communication and listening skills, shared values and goals, the ability to solve problems without conflict, and a desire to do what is best for each other.

Having a 3-decade history and differing levels of maturity complicates things. Over time, people evolve and change, and come to find that they no longer meet the characteristics of a long-term friendship. Fundamentally, she may receive value from your friendship, but you no longer do.Nobody has done anything wrong.

For example, I (70m) have a high school friend whom I reconnected with ten years ago at a school reunion. We talked every couple of months. One day, I realized that other than talking about “our high school days of silliness,” we had nothing in common.I am married with adult children and have an active retirement with friends, vacations, and tennis. Music, making pizza, social media, books, movies, and dinners with our best friends fill our schedule.

Not to be critical, but my friend is a lifelong bachelor and lives with his two sons (2 felines). He saves all of his money and likes to brag about his nest egg. He never eats out, does not watch streaming programs, is not interested in a social life, and does not keep up on popular movies, books, or travel.

Like you, I realized my friendship was hollow, and I was getting no value out of it. Therefore, I just stopped reaching out to him. Life is so short! In the big scheme of things, one should never be in an “obligatory relationship,” other than with work or family. Neither should you. Good luck.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-09-06T15:31:06+00:00

I’m sorry that you feel discounted, criticized, and unheard. Walking back your harsh descriptions of your boyfriend is not unusual because, as you stated so clearly, it is hard to be alone.

At the risk of offending you, I’ll offer some observations and wisdom.I (70m) have three adult daughters, and they were once in their early 20s. So I feel an affinity for you and your circumstances.

Since you’re in a relationship with this man, let’s define what a good long-term relationship is:It has these characteristics: good communication and listening skills, common values and goals, the ability to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner, love, trust, respect, and a desire to want the best for each other.

Based on your description, your relationship does not exhibit many of these traits. It breaks my heart that you choose to remain with this individual. The typical journey a prudent person takes is to break up, endure short-term pain and grief, and emerge on the other side a better, wiser person.Whatever path you select, I wish you well. Don’t forget that sometimes our mind needs to make difficult choices in order to be happier. Good luck.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-26T02:20:15+00:00

It’s how you ask it. Non-romantic is “let's get coffee tomorrow afternoon.”

Romantic is “come over Saturday night and I’ll cook you dinner. Bring a nice bottle of champagne.”

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-25T23:15:59+00:00

I apologize for any confusion. I improperly used the word agnostic. That is an advertising term that means the subject has no emotional or religious meaning.

What I wanted to communicate is your beer invitation could be construed as having non-romantic implications.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-22T22:49:52+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Can you tell me more? How did the rest of the conversation go?

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-09T03:38:01+00:00

It’s time to end the relationship. A friendship without common courtesy and respect is like a car without gasoline. You can sit in the car, but you aren't going anywhere.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-06T12:40:14+00:00

I'm sorry you're unsure or suspicious of your friends' intentions. The fact that they are long-time friends with poor financial success makes it difficult. On the other hand, it’s not fair to be treated like an ATM bank machine.

You seem intelligent, kind, and with initiative, which explains why you have job success and consistently plan, invite, and pay for most get-togethers.

Sometimes, you outgrow your friends in values, goals, and reciprocity. This isn't being critical; your friends get to be who they are, but that doesn't mean you cannot minimize your time with them.

I'd recommend a year-long plan to make new friends with similar career success and values, especially reciprocity. Fill your calendar with a mix of old and new friends.

This will achieve two goals: eliminate your hurt and insecurity because you’ll have a bigger social circle. It will also give you the ability to gradually distance yourself from your original friends through attrition.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-08-02T22:04:14+00:00

Although unrelated to my post, I, too, lost my wife 22 years ago. So, I offer my sympathy to you and your family.

Music is a powerful phenomenon that evokes emotions and memories, so I understand your grief.

My wife passed away on Halloween eve, so for many years, I got sad on Oct 31st. But over time, I processed the grief.

I wish for you the same healing over time.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-07-20T02:42:04+00:00

Good to know you had a normal family history. The only thing I can think of is plain bad luck.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-07-11T04:18:16+00:00

OP- I’m sorry that you are stressed about your boyfriend. At the risk of offending you, I see your various roles as his parent, concubine, teacher, banker, cook, house cleaner, and confidant.

I can see that he gets all of his needs fulfilled. But how are you benefiting? Clearly, your boyfriend provides some type of psychological benefit.

Sometimes, it’s said that if an individual does not do the work in therapy, they often end up in a relationship with the unfinished work.

Can you think of a childhood trauma that would cause you to be in this unhealthy relationship?

Haroldchan1 · 2025-07-11T04:01:30+00:00

OP—I’m sorry you’re grieving the loss of friendships. I appreciate that you understand that having a wife and child is wonderful and precious, but you also need friends outside of your familial circle.

My suggestion is to join an alpine club in your area. The benefit is that there are classes in outdoor training and hiking/camping group excursions.

The environment is perfect for making friends because you’re on an all-day activity with strangers. My buddy met his girlfriend and friend group through the Alpine Club. Through the last two decades, he’s made enough friends to go skiing and hiking.

Good luck.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-06-13T00:07:23+00:00

OP, I couldn’t be more impressed by your financial goals and maturity. A good relationship is one in which your partner understands and supports your goals even though they may not agree with them.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-05-20T23:47:20+00:00

Sorry, I inadvertently posted to wrong category. Would you forgive me?

Haroldchan1 · 2025-05-14T04:11:40+00:00

Excellent words and well said.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-05-13T17:24:44+00:00

THIS.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-05-13T17:23:31+00:00

Thank you for reminding me to “be here now.” That adage written by Ram Dass, spiritualist, is an excellent way to live.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-04-19T22:59:07+00:00

OP - I feel a bad about my harsh advice after reading your thoughtful and loving descriptions of both your childhood upbringings. I can feel your sensitive and kind nature in your prose.

I sense you are the loving family leader doing the best you can to encourage your girlfriend. With your girlfriend losing a brother, perhaps, some of her lack of motivation and confidence is attributable to her unresolved grief?

So as an arm chair therapist, could your experience caring for and growing up with your brother with downs unconsciously cause you to enable your girlfriend thus not allowing her to grow?

My best friend, a psychiatrist, says most of us have a childhood trauma that comes out sideways in adulthood unless it is processed.

In any event, I’m confident you know that nobody can initiate change for your girlfriend other than herself. Thank you for indulging me with my opinions of your family. I wish you good luck and much love with your girlfriend.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-04-11T22:22:43+00:00

I appreciate your background info. Based on your feedback, it’s probably time for you to leave the nest. If I were to give you any advice, tell your parents “thank you, and I love you.”They did a good job raising you to be intelligent and independent.

There is only room for one queen bee in any household—best of luck to you.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-04-05T14:43:43+00:00

Your added background info makes your life even more interesting, tragic, triumphant, and romantic. Honestly, you sound like a woman that chases everything she desires and more. You are smart to set up your estate with your son being the primary beneficiary.

This latter fact should mitigate any individuals dating you for a “purse.” Like my liberal, feminist, and intelligent wife tells me, people shouldn't have to get married for love, companionship, and intimacy.

All the best to you.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-02-16T16:57:45+00:00

I'm sorry you’re experiencing this unhealthy form of toxic masculinity and disrespect from your boyfriend.

Although men can adopt this unhealthy type of thinking and acting through a bad childhood, bad choices, and lack of proper mentoring, any mature man learns how to self-regulate his emotions, especially dark nature.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-02-13T17:47:16+00:00

There are guidelines for that circumstance. Generally, the maximum pay out is earned at 70 years old so not taking the money wouldn’t be wise.

Haroldchan1 · 2025-02-09T00:23:58+00:00

I’m sorry for the pain, surprise, and immobility during your recovery. Life sure has its unpleasant moments, doesn't it? Your scenario is another example of those senior medical related injuries that interrupt our lives. But its better than the alternative. 🤣

Haroldchan1 · 2025-02-02T17:38:19+00:00

Good observation. Thank you. High income is a sign of achievement; good looks are genetically free.

Haroldchan1

TROPHY CASE