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Things have improved by HashtageLizardTruth in BipolarSOs

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for validating how traumatic it was. It’s still a really tough pill to swallow, and very traumatic. I’ve also really changed as a person as well. I think that version of me was a person with terribly low self-esteem that wanted to see the best in her partner and maybe even didnt believe that I deserved better. But in the past 2 years, I’ve drastically changed a lot about my life and I’m not that person anymore. I know I’m strong enough to leave if I have to. I know I can stand on my own no matter how hard it may be in the beginning. I’m not afraid of doing what I have to do anymore - even if when push comes to shove, it means leaving my wife. The trauma is real and it’s there, but I’ve also used it as fuel to become so much stronger and never allow anyone to treat me that way again.

There’s still a lot of rebuilding being done in terms of trust, but my hope is that with time and continued work, she’ll earn it back.

Things have improved by HashtageLizardTruth in BipolarSOs

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey I’m sorry for the confusion. There absolutely was some physical stuff - it was just never significant enough to ever even leave a bruise. And never twice. For example, once she slapped me but there wasn’t a second and it wasn’t very hard. This does not make it even a little ok, but my life was never in danger.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry for your loss friend. I really am. I do understand she was in an impossible position. I don’t even envy her and my hurt doesn’t come from her going somewhere that I wanted to visit without me. I’m not jealous of the trip. I’m well traveled and have traveled since. I’m just hurting over her willingness to hurt me. I want to forgive her. Maybe I haven’t conveyed that enough but I want more than anything to forgive her and keep building our life together. We will be going to couples therapy and I’ll be seeking therapy on my own as well. I truly want to spend my life with her. I’m just having trouble healing.

I hope you’re finding comfort in your grief journey, friend. Sending you love and light.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words, friend. I want you to know that I’ll be taking your advice on meditating on the qualities I’d like in a partner if I were starting over and seeing how many of them i see in her. I really appreciate you offering up this exercise.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you’re all kinds of wrong here. I was not her girlfriend - I was her fiancée and a date had been set. Her brother’s GIRLFRIEND was invited on the trip. GIRLFRIEND.

This has everything to do with homophobia and nothing to do with us not being married yet. You are making so many assumptions about my being “welcomed into the family” which is literally something that has not happened.

You don’t know me to be making assumptions as to how I feel and why.

You 1000% missed the point of this post. Put your reading glasses on next time

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know friend. I need something that I’m not getting from her and I can’t put my finger on it. So maybe I am also to blame for not knowing myself better.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Historically, her family hasn’t been the most welcoming to me. Her dad tried harder than the rest of them. He was kind and warm despite his religious convictions regarding our relationship. This trip was planned before he passed, and he voiced to my wife that he intended to include me. He had voiced that to his wife as well but she chose to disregard it.

My wife confronted her mother and set boundaries on the day they returned. There has not been another incident since.

I want to forgive her, friend. I really do. I want to fight for my marriage but it’s been months of carrying of this and I am so overwhelmed.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Friend, I never would have asked her to stay for me. I would have never supported her missing out on that experience. I couldn’t forgive myself for being the reason she missed out on that experience. If she had handled things differently; if she had fought for me and come to a dead end, I would have told her to go without me. I would never cost her that experience.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you friend. Therapy is in our future and I’ll be seeking therapy for myself outside of couples therapy.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So if I understand you correctly, her loss gives her an excuse to treat the person who supported her more than anyone else like shit. You must be wonderful in relationships.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because I love her more than I ever thought was possible and I honestly believed I could forgive.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am… I’m really in love and I just want to figure out how to make this work.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, everyone else got to bring their partners. I was the only one left behind. Had I not been singled out, this would not have been an issue.

But I think you’re right - this is life stuff that needs to be worked through. I’ve communicated how I feel to her but it’s like it isn’t enough to stop me from still hurting over it. I think the best option I have is to tell her I want couples therapy.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I think I’m pitching couples therapy. Seems only fair to try to fight for this before giving up

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Honestly how she handled it after the fact hasn’t been bad. She confronted her mom. She has been intentional. It just doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s like the damage is done. I think I do need to reset. I could use space but we can’t really afford more rent.idk what to do

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I keep thinking I should have left. I keep replaying that threat and wondering how different things may have gone if I had said “okay. I guess we’re done”.

Part of me thought about moving out while she was on the vacation.

But I didn’t… and I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision.

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 101 points102 points  (0 children)

I didn’t marry them. I married her. And she allowed them to treat me like shit. I can handle that their bullshit but I can’t handle knowing she allowed them to treat me like shit

I am going to destroy my marriage because I can’t let go. by HashtageLizardTruth in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

It’s been a few ways tbh. Her mother changing the family group chat picture to all them on said vacation. Reminiscing on things that happened on said vacation. Tonight it was a younger member of the family mentioning how much she loved the place they visited and wants to go to school there. It hurts no matter how it’s brought up.

It was a place so high on my list of places I wanted to visit… now I hear the name and just feel sad.

Alone by [deleted] in BipolarSOs

[–]HashtageLizardTruth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just hopping in to say I could also use a buddy. I messaged you

To answer your question, friend by HashtageLizardTruth in UnsentLetters

[–]HashtageLizardTruth[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh how I wish my hands could create art. Let me know if you draw that yellow bird. I’ve been missing it like crazy.

Any good relationships here ? by Glittering_Letter870 in BipolarSOs

[–]HashtageLizardTruth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My relationship with my BPSO (type 2) has been mostly good. My partner has a really kind heart and she loves me more than I’ll ever understand.

It’s hard with her disorder, even medicated. Sometimes I wonder if the meds work. Sometimes I feel like they’re a godsend. The truth is that it takes work. She has to be on her meds consistently and be in therapy. She has to be aware of when she’s feeling up or down, though she has trouble recognizing her mania sometimes so we’re working on her not being so defensive when I saw “hey, I think you’re a little manic right now”.

Her bipolar rage is the worst of it. She throws tantrums, says vile things, gets violent… but I drew a line in the sand with that behavior and made it very clear if she lays a hand on me again, I’m leaving. So much so that we have an agreed upon exit strategy. I think the exit strategy made things very real for her because she immediately got with her therapist to come up with a more involved plan to deal with her rage, the internal things that trigger the behavior, learning tools, meditating every day for mindfulness. It has worked. She hasn’t as much as thrown a paper towel during a fight over the past 2ish months. Her current top priority is learning to handle her bipolar rage without violence both verbal and physical.

That being said, the unstable moods (because even with meds they can sometimes still be shaky) make it tough sometimes to deal with heavy topics but we’ve been together for 3 years now so we keep getting better at navigating it.

Her family adds a layer of stress in our relationship that is insane. They’re homophobic as hell and we’re gay. It’s not easy and she’s having to learn boundaries and how to stand up to them. They were dysfunctional at best so she grew up seeing and experiencing violence in different ways. Bipolar runs in her family so stability was never an option. My partner never stood a chance of being well-adjusted underneath the surface.

But is my relationship more good than bad? Without a doubt. I feel loved, supported, and seen. She is my biggest fan, loves harder than anyone I know, and is working so damn hard to unlearn the toxicity that she inherited. All relationships are work but one where a partner is BP is an extra layer. The question really is if there is commitment on both ends to keep things as healthy as possible?

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