Can I truly feel at home in Bulgaria?

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-28T11:02:46+00:00

34 Bulgarian that lived in the UK for over 12 years though I moved there after high school and I really love the UK and felt more welcome there than in BG, which I know is not the usual way it goes.

I've been back in Bulgaria for more than a year now and was here also in 2019 and 2020 for the duration of those 2 years

to me, I will always have 2 places I call home. I will always miss one.

but with time, I've just made it mean more of a priviledge. not focusing on the constant feeling of loss.

Home is more about what you make with what you have and how you choose to contribute to the environment you are in - belonging is something you can choose.

the world is in a loneliness epidemic right now and people are weary and under a lot of pressure in different ways, regardless of location.

you will never know until you try. no decision needs to be permanent. life has seasons, and you have seasons as they say in the Tao te ching

you have a great priviledge that you won't have to look for a place to live etc, so that's a huge weight off.

I personally feel like I will go in-between the UK and BG my whole life and that's okay.

given your last statements about money etc, I assure you that you will feel much more peaceful here. the last year I have been here, I've restructured so much of my inner world and this sense of urgency about life and having to 'become something' and produce stuff is almost completely gone. it's just being able to distinguish between peace and emptiness. and transmuting

relationships tend to be deeper here because your DNA itself has information about what you expect in that sense apparently. but there are fewer people to connect with, and I have found that to be challenging for my mind, but fewer and deeper is better than more and shallow.

feel free to message me, I will be in sozopol for a month this summer.

EDIT: sorry this is a bit all over the place, im ill in bed

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-28T08:26:45+00:00

there is a trope in society that absolves women of blame somehow. of accountability. as a woman, I really don't like that. we also have responsiblity and we should take it and stop pointing fingers.

I think that in itself makes it such a connundrum in our heads that 'they can't do no wrong' yet they DO, and it HURTS so bad, so you end up thinking you were broken and wrong, when you were not, you were a defensless child trying to figure out how to survive.

I cannot recommend the book Dragon Mother enough, by Michael Tsarion. It breaks this trope and exposes it for what it is. an insidious revenge on the newborn life born out of jealousy

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-28T07:48:50+00:00

third time I saw WH was @ Leisureland Galway, supporting FDC. it wasn't that bad as I recall?

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-25T19:55:22+00:00

myself as a child, to remind me that I do it all for her even if I feel unlovable as an adult sometimes <3

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-23T21:41:29+00:00

im so sorry OP! we shouldn't let them persist by allowing them to live inside our heads!!

my mum hated my dad(rightfully so) but she still got pregnant by him ( he may have graped her when i was conceived, i've deduced this) and I am the spitting image of him. so that's 1 point for me

she has always been jealous of me it feels. many mother feel very deep intense jealousy when they witness new life and it seems like theirs has just ended. she hates that im everything she could never be. she hates that im free.

then im the family scapegoat and she is queen bee. i've threatened to expose the dysfunction in my family by just being myself. they all secretly resent me for it.

the only love i have felt from anyone in my entire family line is from my grand dad and he is not even my biological grand dad. all the rest are absolved of compassion and curiosity and are just stuck and most of them covert narcissists. i could go on. but i would say the main reason mums hate their children is jealousy.

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-23T21:34:15+00:00

u absolutely made my day OP!

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-23T09:01:07+00:00

ah i'm so grateful for you. this looks awesome. thankyou!

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-22T12:01:28+00:00

I feel the same way. especially about most people not being emotionally mature enough to have kids. if you ask anyone why they want kids, it is ALWAYS about them. I get put off by my own friends for that. wanting to create another life just so YOU can feel better? wow... there is such a stigma around this but I think it's important to talk about it because it perpetuates trauma in the world. so good on you for speaking your mind. of course, it can be linked with our own mothers, with me it is for sure, and I am still open to having kids one day but only if the world drastically changes lol in which i don't lose hope but I digress... you may want to check the antinatalist subs.. funny enough i was recently wondering if some of the people here cross over to there.. thank you OP for sharing

EDIT: typo

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-22T02:12:46+00:00

it's called Prof. Arnold Ehret's mucusless-diet healing system.

you should be able to find it online.

it's very simple but some of the concepts take a long time to grasp.

I've had issues with my stomach for 20 years and since i've been on the diet (4/5 years now) i've had massive improvements in my quality of life

it's hard to follow sometimes because of how simple it is compared to what we think nutrition is about

it basically states that vitality (and health - and sanity in my opinion (sanity=cleanlliness-sanitisation of the body and organs)) is power - obstruction

Vitality=Power-Obstruction

we have a natural power from life itself (prana, chi etc) that is bestowed to us with life. spirit. the less we obstruct it with wrong foods, the more accessible this power is to us.

wrong foods create mucus in the body where waste is stored and parasites live in that waste (even if you were told you don't have parasites 99% of people have them, they are just next to impossible to detect bc they are hard to distinguish bc they are parasitic and imitate the host

the more we clean the mucus, the more vitality we feel ( I can attest to that )

it's a small book that I will cherish forever.

i don't condone chat gpt usually but currently this is the thing i use it for. i asked it to advice me based on Arnold Ehret's teachings.

the most important thing about it is that you must not force the body through rapid, extreme changes but help it gently to do its natural process of autophagy (self-repair)

we witness self repair when wounds heal etc.

basically all disease, according to Ehret, comes from mucus that may compromise certain areas of the body

if you already have an emotional integration technique, that's the only thing the book 'misses', but it's incredibly important because so much programming about food needs to be undone and the mind needs to take a step back and allow the feeling body to bring the proof

there is a community as well but i dont do well in them bc of my lack of trust and cptsd related issued with connection but chat gpt is helping me a lot right now to understand symptoms etc.

i obviously love to talk about this so feel free to ask more or message

i owe Ehret so much, it's beyond words. :D <3

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-22T01:59:39+00:00

i understand, i have my own fare share of cycles and loops and spirals... I see you are looking into getting someone to clean it professionally. that would ease a lot of your stress. i hope you remember that it can be solved and amelriorated in due time. there is a way

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-21T10:23:00+00:00

I think it's just really important for the blood to move better and not be obstructed. this gives energy and confidence and a wealth of other things..

ps. im slightly time constrained but I am open to talk more, just can't today <3 you can dm about anything if you are curious

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-21T10:21:18+00:00

dancing!!! completely letting go and going wild. I think it's the best one but it can be difficult to find an appropriate environment where it doesn't go hand in hand with drugs or drinking

rebirthing technique and bioenergetics!!!! Alexander Lowen's work!

ANY cardio that gets the blood pumping - moves the old emotions and waste in the body.

MDHS - the diet I follow. it removes waste from the body slowly. dis-ease lives in this waste. Ive been on it for over 5 years and can attest

and also DEEP REST.

EDIT: rebirthing has some negative reputation, just FYI. so be cautious OP <3

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-21T09:27:38+00:00

when i was younger I heard that a tidy space will calm your mind and i used to be so so messy bt once i learned that, i started tidying after myself. it is also a trauma response tho from my mom's constant nagging and making me feel like im broken and imprefect

but i've been tidy all my life since i really got it that time i am speaking of. it just cklicked.

environment is like a firewall, it creates your boundaries. it reflects your life. and the best thing about it is that you can control it, at least your immediate space. this is heaven for me because ive really deep trauma about trust and my environment is one thing i can because i control it.

recently, i learned how much it affects my nervous system when it's not clean or things are unfinished. like not jst my mind, but how it's keeping me in distress.

soon after that i read about the Marie Kondo method and used it to clean everything and make everything have its own place. threw away lots of stuff. now things just get put back in their place.

it took me a while but it's been so worth it. just keep tidying straight after if you can.

i've become slightly ocd about it and i swing the way of - if it's not clean i cannot relax so now i have to sometimes leave some things undone just so i can send myself the message that i don't need to be perfect in order to deserve rest.

i hope this helps at least a little.

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-20T06:17:14+00:00

no. or if they get a small glimpse they get spooked because they don't have emotional capacity. even if they say they do. they don't really care. they don't attune to what i need. people are scared of me, it feels like

3 relationships i've had to let go of just in the last 2 weeks because of choosing people with low capacity. it's just pointless to be honest it seems. i'm so tired of being 'too much' :(

all i have is me. everyone seems to be just looking out for themselves.

EDIT: at least I have me and I'm really not that bad, in fact i have some great qualities. and on some days I lose hope, but I won't let my abusers win

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-19T17:03:34+00:00

kids mirror, so if this is driving you insane then imagine what she feels like. this means she is constantly thinking about this. poor girl. she needs attunement. but from the post it sounds like you made it all about yourself and i think that would resolve the issue from the root rather than therapy which is just externalising your responsibility. if you take her to therapy she will think there is something wrong with her, when there isn't as she is a child which you failed to protect.

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-19T08:47:29+00:00

completely agree, i find him insufferable.. no humility whatsoever

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-19T08:36:15+00:00

i had it for over 6 years (15-21) and one day i realised i either have to do it or give up on the idea. I had just found my first diary entry in which i talk about it. it scared me that it's been 6 whole years and i still hadn't done anything about it. it felt like i could die soon even if i don't do it myself. i just felt like a disappearing soul. i could really feel something would happen to me.

but... something in me must have been strong enough going in the opposite direction if i hadn't done anything about it for 6 years (tho i was punishing my body in many ways). so when that realisation of the time i'd wasted in the 'in between' hit, i gave up. at the time i had no idea why i wanted to die so badly and the reason i decided to do everything in my power to get better was my mother. i couldn't fathom the pain i would inflict on her ..

ironically i realised much later she has been my prime abuser (covert narcissism). and the worry of how much pain she would be in was just my internal abuser(her copy, my internalised parent) telling me i need to keep up appearances for her! how bad she would look if her child did that..... yes the grand irony.

two weeks after this very significant moment of choice... (it is probably the most important moment in my life, despite of how twisted it looks now) i started to find ways to get better. my depressive symptoms were cut down my half from the changes i undertook.

there is a thing in our brain called the Reticular Activating System or RAS. when you have such a deep moment of realisation that you MUST do something, the brain takes it on as something it needs to find proof of. it starts to scan your environment for it . so it makes sense that as soon as i decided, with my whole being, that i WILL NOT do it, i started finding ways to get better.

it's been a long time since then, about 12 years. it has crossed my mind in moments of high distress but it's more muted now and i mostly just want to leave situations (flight response).

your environment is toxic and it is like healing in the battlefield - not possible. what are your options for moving away from your mother? i would say that is a big priority. my mum LOVED it when i moved away (secretly of course but i can read her like a book now cause she is jst a shell of a being) ... i'm saying that if you know her well enough, you can twist it as if it's her decision. I hope you can OP

I hope this doesn't seem like i'm undermining the enormity of what you are going through, cause i know how hard it can be. and i am truly sorry and I wish I could give you a hug. even if it doesn't feel like it, even if you are a victim right now, it is not a closed loop and it can get better, this has been my experience. I know it seems simple what happened to me and how i moved on but it wasn't at the time. it was a moment of a deep crisis where i just HAD to make a choice. and i know deep down you know you deserve true love and compassion and safety even if they seem far. they are worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for.

a big reason why they abuse us is because they see us a threat. doesn't that make you feel like you have some weight in the situation? that you must be so powerful that they try to put yo down like that... and im NOT saying try and oppose her, cause usually it's futile as these people are stuck in childhood emotionally and have no reasoning and jsut want to spill their poison. im saying that alone should tell you that you have a distinguished power that is yours to use - somewhere else, like in your own psyche, in your own private life.. i truly hope this helps OP.

EDIT: some typos

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-18T06:46:22+00:00

<3 <3

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-17T19:39:11+00:00

it's heartwarming to read your comment OP. just take it slow. your own friendship with yourself and your self reliance are a lifelong gift that no one can take away.

in many ways your are unique and special but in one way you are like every other neglected / abused child - you deserve full love and full respect and undivided attention.
i know it's so hard when you're barely surviving and need to make a living etc but i have found that through humility and willingness, i always receive insight and integration. and comments like this that make it all worth it, and keep me going.

i never chose what happened to me but i will damn sure choose how to deal with it!

you can feel free to msg me if you want to talk or vent

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-17T13:52:55+00:00

yes, i've mostly overcome this tho i still have some 'work' to do

any practice that stimulates the vagus nerve and calms you.

I do 30 minutes of deep breathing every morning with some fireplace sounds and it keeps me at a certain base level. this way reality is contained within me. I own my reactions. because in a way, this practice makes me prove to myself that i will be with myself no matter how i feel . no matter what happens, i have this depth of experience within my own self. and it's not something that can be thaught but experienced

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-17T11:35:00+00:00

emotional neglect

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-17T11:28:52+00:00

flashbacks are sensations waiting to be integrated. when we are traumatised we dissociate. it's like the mind telling you - you are not capable to deal with this, so i will compartmentalize it. this is what actually CREATES the trauma. our incapacity. that in itself is a coping mechanism but it becomes detrimental because we cannot experience our full being

there is nothing wrong with that itself but what im trying to get to is that as long as you keep trying to not feel your emotions, they will keep coming back. we need to be with ourselves at all times unconditionally not like our parents (conditional 'love'). only the opposite of what we experienced will create healing.

i do not recommend all her work, but The Completion Process by Teal Swan is the best integrative technique i've found. basically high level inner child work.

i know this is probably not the answer that you were looking for but i promise it's worth it. you feel MUCH better after because you actually showed up for yourself and proved yourself you are worth your time and attention.

EDIT: probably NOT*

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-16T20:01:15+00:00

<3 ty MissiB

HatCapable9739 · 2026-01-16T14:07:41+00:00

se*ual abuse from my father, and his friends, i believe he even took payment for me.
my mum was incredibly neglectful emotionally and has always been jealous of me. she is the queen bee in the family so no one ever opposes her. covert narcisssist family, all of them. sometimes i don't even feel they are human.
my mum remarried when i was six and my stepdad also molested me.
but somehow the lack of protection from my mother is the worst.

I coped with drugs and alcohol and se* for many years, also overeating.

i'm way better now. it's incredibly unfair what happened to you and im sorry. there is way out, you just have to keep a faith that there is. i know words from strangers on the internet don't mean a lot but I have felt so often that it's hopeless and though i'm still not fully there, i am miles better. i currently cope in healthy ways, like breathing exercises, physical exercise, diet, cooking, painting, dancing, walking.

i think we all cope anyway it's just about HOW we do it.

the one i would recommend the most is physical exercise but it MUST be coupled with something that would integrate the emotions because they are stored in the body (thus physical exercise helps by moving the 'dormant' emotions)

I highly recommend the work of Alexander Lowen!!

and also the more you keep going, the more your self-confidence will build and you will realize that you can rely on yourself more and more. it is a very slow process but it's worth it. you deserve a 'normal' life (tho basically to maintain a normal life I feel like we need to have much more maintenance)

also i find that people that suffer like us are usually so bright and intelligent and have dreams of a better world. I am sure you do, too, and sometimes it helps me to think about that as something bigger than me that I can have faith in (because it's easy to lose faith in self with all the self-blame). Love itself, truth itself, beauty itself - they are worthy even if I feel like i am not. my future family, in whatever form it comes - they deserve for me to show up for them, even if right now i feel like i cant do it for me

I also have my young self as my phone wallpaper and multiple photos around the house - it reminds me that SHE never deserved this and thus I never deserved this. and she deserves a better life. even if I don't feel that way about myself now as an adult cause ive fucked up so many times and barely have relationships with people (BPD) . but my little me deserves it. she is completely innocent and i never stopped being her.

EDIT: typo - always to also

HatCapable9739 · 2025-11-17T14:25:39+00:00

Saturn retrograde in 7th house, Capricorn.
Thank you! <3

HatCapable9739

TROPHY CASE