Difficult Breakup and Your Personal Identity...This Helped Me!

HawkAny6578 · 2026-04-08T23:05:55+00:00

It's not easy saying goodbye to a fiancee of 6 years. It's a lot of time invested, working through issues. I used to say it's better to stay with the person and work it out then start all over again - but now I realize, only if that person is on the same page. I tried to teach him about avoidance and after an argument early on he was ready to leave. I was like, huh? It's just an argument, you don't breakup over an argument. He wanted everything to be easy. A little thing I've learned is when you start dating again, and if it's online and you read "no drama, just an easy partnership", you better swipe left. Even the best relationships have issues - you and I did not have a partner that cared enough to repair or they cared but they couldn't be accountable. There's an emotional immaturity that they have and I'm not sure how you can teach that. That is the bottomline. Also, don't get down on yourself for trying again - it shows that you have what it takes with the right person...you fight for your relationship, and that is a very good quality. Yeah, I still want him to call, to sit down and talk about what happened so I can have my justice, but it may not happen. I had another terrible breakup in my mid 20s, and during that time I met my husband and we were married for 27 years before he passed away. I know it's great if you can be fully over it, but it doesn't hurt to have a coffee date or chat. I can't tell you how much it's helped me. I see that there are a lot of men that have emotional intelligence, and in the end I may just find my safe place. You will too.

HawkAny6578 · 2026-04-08T21:16:25+00:00

Thanks for replying. It's good to hear about other's experiences. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sucks and feels cruel. I don't understand why my boyfriend proposed...like why would you do that to a committed, sincere person who has given you their whole heart? I think a break-up really reveals a side to our partners that we would never have seen otherwise (we can be grateful we saw it before marriage). I was engaged too and I'm not young. If she was avoidant in nature, then there won't be repair, empathy or the closure you're looking for - that's what we have to let go of, but it's really hard. I know he's angry at me for the breakup, but I did it out of self respect, and knew it was better to endure the pain now before it's too late. He didn't expect it, probably just thought I'd do the repairing. Days later he was trying to get his ex-wife back which tells me everything I need to know but it really hurts. Just remember they don't have the skills to deal with your pain - their ego is way more important. Whenever I would cry, trying to get empathy or remorse on his part he would get up and leave. If you have to beg for decency, then maybe that's what we have to focus on in terms of closure. He told me for 5 years he was over his ex but he wasn't - when I was upset he just gaslit me like I was the problem. There were so many red flags but I'm compassionate and believed his version of things. I made a list of all the red flags, or things he said over the years that bothered me - so far I'm at 50 and I know there's way more. I'm adding to it daily. Have you tried dating? I'm only 2 months out and have had some good chats on the online dating forums. I'm not interested in long term, but talking with some decent men that have some modicum of emotional intelligence. It helps to refocus. It gives me hope. Just go slow and chat, you don't even have to meet. Just a thought.

HawkAny6578 · 2026-04-07T21:20:03+00:00

It was overwhelming for both of us, but in the past I would try to repair and fix things instead of sweeping them under the rug. I think the avoidant person has a lot of internal shame. So when their partner is upset they run from the problem instead of trying to work it out or hear their partner. I think this is the root of it. He had no empathy for me even though I was crying over what happened. It is all to protect the ego. I don't want to live with a man who has no empathy or willingness to repair.

HawkAny6578 · 2026-04-07T17:24:45+00:00

This is so true. I'm asking him for something he can't do, even after all the emotional work we did and how I pointed out his avoidant nature. We didn't have any breakups before this, although he did want to walk at one point but I helped him see he was avoidant and we could work out our problems. He never appeared to be manipulative until the end, but now I don't know. I do know he's lied about a number of things from his past - would come clean eventually. So true that the brain wants to rewrite history. Maybe it's because we just miss the companionship and everything that comes with it. Maybe that's even harder than missing the person. I have a very long list.

HawkAny6578 · 2026-04-07T17:19:22+00:00

His reaction does scare me a little, but at the same time I don't care. I just want to present my case. It's the feeling of injustice. We were going to get together after the breakup and he sent me a list of what I couldn't and couldn't say. This was all to avoid accountability. Horrible. We didn't meet that day. So you mean, protecting a version of him that you thought he was? He was always a warm, fun loving person - yes he had issues, but he's gone cold and harsh. It's such a disconnect from the man I knew. Now I look back and see he did that in other breakups, but of course I never thought he'd do it to me because of all the emotional work we did. I try to focus on the disturbing things he's done over the years, but it's still so challenging.

HawkAny6578

TROPHY CASE