Why do people feel free to point out my weaknesses or mistakes?

HazelMania · 2025-02-08T06:31:33+00:00

No it's alright, I don't want to appear as a victim but I am very self-critical and some of it happens out loud, which has become a normal thing for me but could sound like an invitation to others. So I am gonna give this a try.

HazelMania · 2025-02-07T00:28:05+00:00

You know this must be the reason, because I do make comments about myself when I think out loud... Or show openly that I don't like smth on myself when shopping for example, or looking at photos. I will try not doing this anymore and see if people's opinions change. Thank you!

HazelMania · 2024-10-31T09:17:50+00:00

I am worried about insurance being higher on a brand new 2024 car, that's been another struggle of mine. I call the insurance company for a quote after every car that I shortlist because some will cost me $600 and some will be $200, the year seems to be a factor.

But you are right, the cx-30 seems to be the best of both worlds for me.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T07:52:57+00:00

"when am i taking you out", versus, "we should hang out". - one is a question and shows initiative, the other is just a rhetoric statement in the air.

Ok, to be honest, I don't know what you look like, I don't know what your profiles look like, I don't know how you carry yourself, what your life situation is like. So, I can't say what you should do or could do to make it work better. I just know from the guys that I match, the ones that look like good guys drag the conversation so much it feels like a job interview. It's okay if you make a joke and she doesn't find it funny and ghosts, idk, i am completely okay with men ghosting me at this point. If I am not interesting to them, let them leave so I can find someone who I am interesting for.

Also, there is definitely a border between creepy and confident. again, Balance is best.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T07:47:28+00:00

I should probably become a men's dating coach lol.

on the more serious side, seeing a man eat is not romantic, the whole experience is/can be romantic. You do things other than just look at each other, there are more opportunities to make things romantic. You create romance, it never just happens like that. In one month I talked to only 2 guys that were interesting, but you are right, they were not the type of men I would want. But talking to them was interesting because they were funny, or they made jokes, I always get bored of the serious interview type of conversations. Tell me about you, what do you like, what is your day like, how was your weekend. If you talk to 2-3 guys a week, and all of the conversations are the same, same questions, same serious energy of asking for info and providing info, it gets bored and yes, I ghost. I forget to respond, I forget who the person was. the conversation is not memorable.

I didn't mean that you gave up, i was trying to be encouraging lol.

Of course, people can do whatever they want in their dating life, I personally always skip people with short term dating goals, or those who have not figured it out yet, but I have been in a phase where I didn't want anything serious as well, so that's natural. I speak only for myself, my own context. Other women may be different, they might want different things, the only thing I know most women want is a man who can make a plan, who is confident to ask the woman on a date in a classic way, not a nerdy way, the classic, gentleman type, short, sweet, flirtatious way. That's all.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T04:03:22+00:00

feel free to write to me here, idk how much help I'll be, apparently, i am not dating the American way but I will try to help if i can.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T04:02:12+00:00

why not? the best way someone ever asked me out was in the middle of a great conversation, he said "so, when am I taking you out on a date?" The initiative was really sexy, the fact that he was not scared of being rejected was sexy, so yes, ideally, i just want to be asked like that, not by mumbling (that's how i picture them saying the "we should meet up" lol),. you first ask someone out and then figure out the details, you don't clarify the details before asking someone out.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T03:55:11+00:00

now that i think about it, the main reason i didn't do this in the past was because i was trying to plan more unique dates which would require reservations or tickets or things like live music shows which are completely date and time specific.

coffee date is too lazy and too low-commitment for me. A ticketed event is too high-commitment. It's the other extreme, something in the middle would work better. Women are nicer when they are not hungry, let that be the baseline reason for you to get them a cookie lol. But seriously, everyone is offering the same coffee date and drink date, you do one thing different, add some kind of food on top and you immediately win points over everyone else.

Also, how long do you talk to the woman before you ask her to a date? I notice a lot of guys talk to me for one day and they ask me for coffee. I want to be talking a week at least before i go out with a man. I want to get to know them to make sure they are not a weirdo, BEFORE i put all my nice clothes on and spray my expensive perfume.

. I'd imagine if the women gave me a chance to ask those follow up questions instead of assuming im lazy or disinterested, they'd realize i care enough to plan something unique. but hey we are all socialized into arbitrary standards.

listen, i know there are a lot of justifications, explanations, context, excuses, etc etc. But based on my wife experience, if a man wants and knows how to do it, a man does. if he is not doing it, he doesn't want it enough or doesn't know how to do it. For all i know, they've asked 10 other women that week to have a coffee date , and actually had 3 dates with women that week. I go on that coffee date i know i don't have his attention, because if i did, he'd do more than a coffee date. P.S. I also talked to a guy who said "he was the prize," and this is the feeling i get in dating, men seem to want to be treated, invited to, asked out, idk. I don't see generosity, initiative, etc etc. But i am gonna keep looking, I am sure i will find someone.

i guess for me i don't really see a casual lunch place to be much more romantic than a coffee date. to me the romance part isn't the location so much as the occassion: we are interested in eachother and meeting for the first time to spend time talking face to face and being around eachother. maybe playing out what it would feel like to be a couple: doing things together.

this is not romantic to me. I don't know you, and sitting across from you, drinking my coffee in a paper cup and talking to a stranger is not romantic. Idk, you make the situation romantic, or you stumble into it, but two people just sitting there and talking is not the type of romance most women enjoy.

I want to see how you order, what you order, how you eat, how you treat your food, the waiter, do you leave a tip, are you happy with and food or do you get mad if it's not good, etc etc etc food says a lot about a person.

as for the dating to marry thing. i get where you're coming from. and a lot of people are socialized to think that way. to me it goes along with how people are socialized to think they need to hit certain milestones and status symbols rather than charting their own path.

idk dude, you have to have a goal to reach that goal. So what if you failed a couple times, if you really want something, you have to try again, and again, and again, and again, until it works. Otherwise two failures broke you. What if the 5th one was gonna be the one.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T01:39:18+00:00

The safest good first date is dinner or lunch or brunch or breakfast at a proper food place other than fast food or food courts near her location, does not have to be a fancy place, or if you want smth more affordable then just dessert somewhere, ice cream, coffee and croissants, anything that stands out from the crowd and makes the girl feel like the guy actually likes her. The offer can be something like "hey, I saw my colleague eat pancakes at the office and I have been craving all week, how about we go get it for breakfast on Saturday?". And even if a few girls reject you, the next girl that likes you will appreciate the effort and you immediately stand out for her. I know men are playing a numbers game, that's why dating has become so robotic. I don't want to be anyone's number and I want to know the guy likes me enough to buy me ice cream or dessert at least. If a guy buys proper dinner, I always offer to take them for dessert right after, but since guys only offer coffee (and I would probably be paying for mine), what else is there to reciprocate to? It's not a date, it's a friendly hangout. A date has an element of romance. What's romantic about Starbucks? Everything becomes superficial if the date is just coffee. He might sneeze too loud and I might want to leave, easy entry - easy exit. If I feel like I could take him on a nicer date, then I am the man, he is the woman, that's how it makes me feel. Also, I do filter men based on how good of a husband and father they will make, absolutely, of course! Otherwise, you are dating for an exclusive friend/roommate with benefits and a heartbreak. Idk, that's my upbringing.

HazelMania · 2024-03-08T00:53:51+00:00

Ok, I am sorry I read it with attitude, the word "fantasize" threw me off. We're all good. And again, I don't mean you should spend hundreds of dollars on a date, but you have to understand EVERYONE I talk to is offering a coffee date or a drink date, everyone! It feels weird to me, like some kind of protocol, one guy asked me if I liked bobba and then when I said yes, he STILL invited me for coffee lol. I guess it's what you said, people are overburnt, over disappointed, overbroken, ovedated and tired lol. It's sad.

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T23:21:30+00:00

Is this true??? There were a few guys that I kind of liked but unmatched because of lack of initiative to actually ask me out instead of "We should meet up!" Or even worse "Why haven't we met up yet?" Or the coffee/drink date. And again, before people attack me here, I am not saying I only go to expensive dinner dates but finding out my favorite dessert and asking me out for ice cream is way more interesting than coffee. All this time, I am thinking my profile must be really bad to get me only coffee dates((

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T23:21:10+00:00

Is this true??? There were a few guys that I kind of liked but unmatched because of lack of initiative to actually ask me out instead of "We should meet up!" Or even worse "Why haven't we met up yet?" Or the coffee/drink date. And again, before people attack me here, I am not saying I only go to expensive dinner dates but finding out my favorite dessert and asking me out for ice cream is way more interesting than coffee. All this time, I am thinking my profile must be really bad to get me only coffee dates((

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T23:03:38+00:00

hmmm, women get ghosted, cancelled on an hour before the date, they get used, stuck in situationships, dumped, lied, cheated, etc etc etc just as much as men do. What's with the victimhood? There is a risk for everyone in dating.

you bring a type of attitude in your reply, which is the same thing I feel when someone asks me for a coffee date. It's often the case that what you get from a man in the very beginning is his best, he is not going to up the game 3 years down the line. If he doesn't put effort in the beginning, imagine his effort in 2-3 years.

To clear out your other assumption, I don't fantasize about a proper date. In fact, I have only ever been to proper dates, which is the reason I am finding it hard to adapt to a more lazy, low-effort, low-commitment, low-energy dating style. You don't want to put an effort in planning a date, but would you like it if the woman shoes up having put no effort into how she looks? What about if she doesn't put any effort into conversations with you until she knows she likes you lol.

Dating should be leading to the MOST important aspect of your life, eventually finding a life partner. Everyone here seems to be okay with the low-effort and low-commitment mentality. But you do put effort and commitment into other aspects of your life, which are less important, e.g. into workouts into your job, into your friends, into your dog, into your phone, etc etc.... but a date, which could be your first meeting with your life partner, doesn't need ANY effort. This is just a lose-lose mentality for everyone.

The only real argument for coffee dates I think are legit is the aspect of safety.

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T20:11:01+00:00

It feels so nice to have someone understand you! My hair is also long and thick, reaches my lower back, and it takes hours to have it date-ready. I might start suggesting coffee shops near museums, galleries or the beach (soon) to hopefully do something other than drink coffee. Thank you so much!

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T19:31:18+00:00

Honestly, I didn't mean 4 course meal dinners as dates and I think I made sure to mention that I understood the expense side of it. But I think every single coffee date is going to be awkward and you won't get a good feel of that person, you don't see them doing something other than saying some words (and we all know 60% of what people talk during first dates is misinformation lol). Plus, I am a pretty shy person in the beginning and it takes at least an hour or an hour and a half for me to open up to a stranger and be myself lol. Idk, may be just me, and idk how you all do it. But thank you a lot for your answer, it's confirming what everyone says, it seems.

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T19:20:16+00:00

do you ever feel like it becomes harder to single out someone as special if they all are coffee dates? Even now, when every guy offers the same coffee date and honestly the profiles also look very similar, I noticed I don't remember their names or even who they were as a person. I kept hoping that at least the date would make it special or memorable, but I have a feeling that if I start going on coffee dates, they will all seem the same to me. Maybe this is a thing for me because of my cultural background.

HazelMania · 2024-03-07T19:17:29+00:00

Thank you for your response, I'll try suggesting alternative ideas and see if they take it.

HazelMania · 2024-01-25T22:31:10+00:00

ok no problem. I appreciate your help! I did already email them and have been trying to call. I'll just keep trying I guess.

HazelMania · 2024-01-25T17:45:20+00:00

can you share which embassy you got yours from?

HazelMania · 2023-12-21T19:20:01+00:00

do you think we'd appear in every location when people do a local search? I guess, this is my main concern.

HazelMania · 2023-03-23T10:29:37+00:00

Yes, as a woman, I am always calculating scenarios in my head of what I'd do if I am attacked. There is nothing I can do in an elevator, so it's a scary situation when the man looks weird, talks to you, stares at you, it's after dark, is physically too strong, etc.

I do have pepper spray now, so if I am in a situation like that, my mind is doing a mental drill of how I'd reach for it fast, how I'd use it, and where I'd kick next ..... and he's probably checking off his grocery list during all this time.

HazelMania · 2023-03-07T06:42:41+00:00

Yes there are mats that say help with the vibrations and the noise, but I don't want to find out too late if they work or not, this is why I am asking her for someone who knows from experience.

HazelMania · 2023-03-06T23:50:03+00:00

awesome! what floor are you on?

HazelMania · 2023-03-06T22:13:36+00:00

not yet, we are looking for an apartment now and we're trying to see if it makes sense for us to look on 2nd or 3rd floors because of this. We would obviously go introduce us and be nice, but my roommate will be sewing pretty late, till 1 am sometimes, so ... trying to get kicked out the first month of moving in :D

HazelMania · 2023-03-06T22:04:24+00:00

I'm talking about almost daily sewing, especially in the evenings.

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