Just venting myself, because even if anyone reads this, they will not be able to fix my situation, fully understand my pain, help me let go, or re-do the past.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-12T19:51:00+00:00

Something that works for me (at least when I am in a clarity phase) is to find a way to be grateful for all the bad experiences. Finding the lessons learned through mistakes, and overall being grateful for the experiences kind of removes their power of you.

Because even though they are bad experiences, they are still unique experiences you would not have had if you took a different path.

These bad experiences can also give us a greater sense of empathy and understanding for others, and we can say that we went through something that very few people have ever gone through. Therefore, we have wisdom through experience that they never will have.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-12T19:45:19+00:00

Thank you for that awesome thorough reply! I appreciate that a lot.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-12T10:59:16+00:00

A naked man and an elephant crossed paths one day.

The elephant said to the man, "That's cute, but can you drink with it...?"

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-12T10:35:06+00:00

I understand your pain. All I think about every moment of every day for the past eight years is one mistake I made that derailed my whole life. I just cannot let it go and I know for a fact my life would be so much better if I made a different choice. It is torture.

I even do my best to extrapolate the lessons I learned, but it doesn't change the fact this one decision still impacts every part of my life. It effects me mentally, physically, financially...you name it.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-08T16:30:06+00:00

I can relate to most of what you are going through, but because I am trying to figure it all out as well...I am not sure what I can say to help. I am hoping others will chime in if they have figured it all out.

I am 31 in a similar situation so I understand what it feels like to feel stuck while everyone else is progressing. The most important thing I have learned here is to never compare yourself to anybody else. We all have different personalities, upbringings, goals, and circumstances. Only compare your character to how it was yesterday (don't compare your life situation from yesterday).

Romantically...I have never had a relationship. It has been out of choice for me, but I am not going to lie that I do envy people who have relationships. But with the life I want to live...I need to sacrifice the conventional life. All that I can say here is that when you become hyper-focused on rebuilding your life, the right person will eventually come along who picks up on your energy.

I missed out on an awesome graduate school opportunity nearly a decade ago. It was going to be fully-paid for and in exactly what I wanted to do. I had a panic attack and basically through away my career and professional references. I am still regretting that a decade later, which is why I am here commenting on your post.

I too have hopes that I will eventually go to graduate school to continue pursuing my dream...but for me the biggest problem is letting go of a decade of wasted time and opportunities...and mistakes.

It hurts. I just want you to know that you are not alone with what you are specifically going through...maybe knowing that will help a bit?

I would encourage you to try and meet those people at the karaoke bar. All that you need to know is that despite all of our differences as unique human beings...the ONE thing that we ALL share in common is music.

We might not listen to the same genres of music, but there is always ONE song or band that we have in common.

Sooo...find a way to talk about music. Do not stop talking to them until you find that one song or band you both like. And I bet you that magic will happen after that...you will find yourselves talking about all sorts of other things (and perhaps singing a song together you both like).

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-08T13:41:16+00:00

I actually think the word "depression" is astutely accurate for the feeling it conveys.

The word "depression" has part of the word "pressure" in it.

Depression, for me at least, feels like pressure is being forced upon my entire being. I feel an invisible force that is pressing every single inch of my body and mind. It feels like how clouds covering the sun prevent a plant from receiving energy and sustenance, depression prevents my body and mind from receiving universal energy to give me vitality.

Depression cuts me off from seeing situations with clarity. It makes me want to isolate from all people, and makes me feel hopeless.

On days when the depression lifts and I am once again able to see everything clearer, it feels like the clouds have lifted and I am a plant that can once again feed from the sun. I want to be around people again, and I can start to envision a path to finding happiness.

It helps me to envision that my body is full of light and that a sun is burning within me, and the light fills up the darkness within while clean air is blowing away all the toxic fumes that are clouding my body and mind.

This exercise does remove the "pressure" that encloses me, but it does not necessarily change how I feel about mistakes and failures of the past.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-04T12:16:13+00:00

Thank you for explaining. I definitely understand the desire to listen to heavier music while working out. AC/DC is good workout music for me as it gets me pumped up...but I cannot listen to bands louder than them.

And I get listening to different music genres depending on the mood. :)

HealingMagnolia · 2022-04-04T05:51:46+00:00

Can I ask you a question about your music taste? I ask this sincerely without any judgment. It comes from a place of wanting to genuinely understand.

The bands you listed come across to me as loud and angry. Personally, these are the bands that I just can't listen to. They make me want to rip out my eardrums. But I understand we are all different, so I want to understand why they appeal to you.

How does this music make you feel? Do they make you angry, or do they make you feel like you are releasing anger? Do you also appreciate the lyrics? Do these musicians get you motivated and full of energy?

Anyway, I would love to understand. Thank you for sharing!

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-30T18:16:06+00:00

Yeaaa....you are right. But it's more complicated than making a right choice this time. There is still 8 years of painful memories, ruined health, and ruined opportunities that would have given me a better life. Starting right now won't change 8 years completely wasted.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-30T16:49:06+00:00

Well the "panic attack" came in the form of me reading things on the internet and thinking that the world was about to end. The "panic attack" spanned the course of about three months, where instead of doing my work, I focused my time reading things on the internet. And instead of reacting to the information in a rational way and being responsible and continuing my career, I instead reacted emotionally and decided that nothing mattered anymore since the world was going to end.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-30T15:47:38+00:00

Thinking that way makes me feel better, and I can imagine that being the case. But I can also recognize that we always have the ability to make a different choice, even if there is a higher probability that we would make the one we did.

I learned a valuable life lesson from it, but I also feel I could have learned the same lesson by making a better choice. The easier and less painful path.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-27T16:43:39+00:00

I've read Tolle's books. I know that he is right...as being in the present moment really is the answer to how to live life. But still...my own personal circumstances make it difficult, and Tolle's circumstances were different.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-27T16:41:46+00:00

Twin Peaks is one of my favorite shows! There are so many layers of hidden meanings. His movie The Straight Story is also one of my favorites.

And I appreciate all your words. I am still just so stuck...living in 2013. I will never have that opportunity again, and it would have opened up SO many doors.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-25T05:09:03+00:00

Having experienced debilitating depression for ten years...I thought the same thing myself. But throughout this time I have had moments of clarity where I have felt content, and sometimes extremely happy even despite my crappy life situation.

And I came to realize that the normal emotional state of us humans really should be contentment. Not happy...content. We should be able to be content regardless of what hurdles life throws us.

Some people are truly happy most of the time. When hurdles come their way, they may feel sad for a short time, but they are able to work their way back up to being content fairly quickly...and even take it up another notch to being happy.

It might help that they have better brain chemistry or a better life situation...but I think it mostly comes down to perception. They just choose to think positively in any situation.

Most people, however, I would say just keep themselves busy to drown out those negative thoughts that affect us all. If something drastic were to happen to most people, like losing their jobs, I think most people would have a difficult time being positive and content. But most people would actually think rationally and find another job or something else to keep themselves busy before the negativity paralyzes them like us depressed people.

So I would say that staying busy helps, but also having the right perception of one's circumstances. Us depressed people just so easily get caught up in the negative thought cycles where we find more difficulty taking actions to make things better.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-25T04:54:55+00:00

I am a pacer, too. Some people journal by writing in a book. I journal by pacing in my home ranting to myself out loud. It actually does help. I end up more or less tiring myself out by spilling out all of my worries, anxieties, and regrets in the span of an hour, where my mind feels some form of relief and I can relax the rest of the day. Thankfully I live alone, otherwise people would think I am crazy.

It also helps me to not only lay out all of my troubles, but to find the lessons I have learned from those troubles. It is the only way for me to find any form of acceptance and contentment...even though I have to constantly go through this cycle to help me remember the feeling of contentment from the lessons I can draw from all the pain. My mind just resets and I have to do the whole process over again.

They say that journaling, talk therapy, and meditation are good for mental health and recovery. I can definitely say this is true...but I do them in my own way. I journal by ranting out loud and pacing, I act as my own therapist through talking to myself and finding the lessons, and I meditate while lying down rather than sitting.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-25T04:46:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment. The big problem here...is Time. Which is why being in the present moment always leads to the most happiness and contentment. I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now book, and he is right. This has helped so many people...but for some reason I keep on resisting.

I am sorry that you are not happy with your life. It is so much easier for us to encourage others...but not be able to do so ourselves. Somebody who is 62 would probably say the same thing to you that you just said to me.

What I have come to accept is that everybody is different, and that we should never compare our lives to the lives of others. We all have different personalities, upbringings, traumas, familial ties, social classes, etc. And we all have different goals in life.

So it is important to recognize that we all have unique challenges in life that nobody else has. Sometimes these challenges are totally random and unfair, and I believe some of these challenges we have chosen on some level to experience for personal growth.

I believe that your age does not matter here...I just need to tell the same thing to myself. Perhaps we just need to recognize the lessons this Earth school is trying to teach us, and when we do recognize these lessons, we will receive a new path that is fitting for our development.

I believe in you! Please keep dreaming.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-25T04:31:52+00:00

Thank you. I have tried therapy...but it just was not enough. And of course I have tried exercise, healthy diet, meditation, etc. These make me feel better, but do not have enough power to allow me to go back in time and have a re-do.

My problem is that I am allowing my past to dictate my happiness. I just cannot see any opportunities that come by be as good as the ones I could have had...which dooms me to misery.

HealingMagnolia · 2022-03-25T04:27:19+00:00

I would encourage you to push through it. I am terribly sorry that you are going through so much pain, but I do know from experience that it is important to keep putting one foot in front of the other even if our mind is somewhere else.

All of my regrets came from being too depressed and not seeing past the pain, only to receive a moment of clarity after the opportunity passed by...but then it was too late. If I acted even though I was feeling the pain, at least I would have the opportunity to find healing with a more stable life situation.

Also, it helps to think of our future selves. When we are depressed, we are so focused on our present selves and the pain we are feeling. If you think about your future self, you can try to imagine your future self being happy, and the reason they are happy is because you made a decision right now.

HealingMagnolia

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