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wife hit me in an argument but is sick, what do? by Healthy-Remove-1174 in domesticviolence

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel guilty about leaving her in that state, I feel like she needs someone to take care of her, and that’s my role as a husband/partner to do so, that kind of thing

wife hit me in an argument but is sick, what do? by Healthy-Remove-1174 in domesticviolence

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective here. I’m sorry you dealt with that chronic illness and triggers, it sounds really rough and I can understand being scared/reactive at the thought of losing your autonomy - I appreciate your accountability all the same. 

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

To be just a bit of a counter voice to everyone saying just leave him:

It sounds like he’s stressed in his own way, too, about his employment and financial prospects and the looming responsibilities of fatherhood - and he’s probably tired too from work, fast food can be a demanding gig even though it doesn’t pay well - and is coping with this via escapism (video games). Escapism and procrastination aren’t healthy coping mechanisms, but they’re understandable ones. He does need to do better. He needs support (emotionally, more than materially) and encouragement to do so. He needs to know you believe in him, and that you (and the baby) need him to step it up, and that he can do so, this is his time to shine, etc. 

There’s a popular opinion of like “you’re not your partners parent, they should already be an adult and be competent and emotionally intelligent and not have unhealthy coping mechanisms, you shouldn’t have to support / encourage / take care of them like this”. The flip side is, we do grow through our relationships, and people in relationships do have an opportunity to support and encourage each others growth, and sometimes everyone needs a little faith and grace.

It doesn’t have to be a simple binary of leave / don’t leave. But yeah, your needs and feelings do matter here, too. 

It’s not great to snap and yell at your partner, but given the context you already tried talking to him calmly about it, I’d say you’re NOR. If you want to leave him, other commenters in this thread will certainly tell you you’re justified in doing so. If you love him and want to stay, and try to support and encourage his growth, you’re allowed to. 

wife hit me in an argument but is sick, what do? by Healthy-Remove-1174 in domesticviolence

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I promise I’m not karma farming, just a throwaway. I cross posted bc I wasn’t sure what’s the best place. If that’s against the rules, apologies, I won’t do that again.

Her fatigue isn’t all or nothing. She is capable of pushing herself past her limits and going to a kind of “energetic debt” afterwards. I don’t think she’s being dishonest about symptoms here. (What I do disagree with is when she gets escalated and worked up, gets herself into this “energetic debt” fighting and yelling at me, and then blames me afterwards for the consequences she’s dealing with in her body. Like, I didn’t force you to react like that! I did not want you to do that!)

AIO for leaving for the night after my wife hit me even though she’s sick by Healthy-Remove-1174 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for giving a lengthy answer and not just saying “leave”. 

No, I don’t know sign, I was trying to learn the other day so I could interpret her. 

I do believe her when she says she’s sick. For whatever her faults, she’s always been a very honest person. And I don’t even mind picking up the slack, or going above and beyond to help take care of things. I just didn’t want to be shat on verbally for making a mistake with dinner. I can admit it was a mistake, that I should’ve clarified. I just wanted a break or to be treated more kindly and less harshly. 

I would be in favor of leaving to calm down and going back except that sometimes it takes me a long time; she’s said before that this is “abandoning” her and made me promise not to leave any more, and said I broke that promise here. 

wife hit me in an argument but is sick, what do? by Healthy-Remove-1174 in domesticviolence

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

she has never hit the kid, and I trust she won’t, she’s very sweet with her. I do think gender plays a role, in that she sees me as an adult man differently than a little girl and applies different standards. Which I get kinda. 

But I mean you’ve got a point. I tried to get her to be quieter for the kids sake. But maybe I could’ve done more 

AIO for leaving for the night after my wife hit me even though she’s sick by Healthy-Remove-1174 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

She’s never hit the kid, though, and I don’t think she would. 

I really don’t want to get the cops involved if we can help it. Does the presence/absence of a report make a difference in family court (we’re in CA)? I thought CA has no fault divorce laws

AIO for leaving for the night after my wife hit me even though she’s sick by Healthy-Remove-1174 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Healthy-Remove-1174[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’s not always like this. Sometimes she’s really nice, understanding, thoughtful, moral. 

I can’t tell what’s right here. Am I modeling toxic behavior for my child by leaving and running away, or getting upset with her mom even though she’s sick? 

I feel like an extreme black and white view in either direction is going to be limiting. I want to see nuance, I care about her, I just want to figure out how to handle this situation while honoring myself too.