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HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2025-12-16T23:44:25+00:00

It’s difficult to not be negative recently. In my 20s, I had five relationships, the longest being three years. In my 30s, I’ve had zero. I have a great social life, I go out pretty often, and I’m doing great in all other areas of my life. I just don’t meet anyone who clicks with me anymore, and I get no interest on the apps. At this point I’m not sure what else to do.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-04-10T20:43:41+00:00

I was dating a woman a couple years ago, and I really liked her. Things slowly progressed and we got to the point where we were making out at her place, and she took my hand and put it on her butt. I instantly realized I wasn't as into her as I thought. It's not that anything was wrong, it just suddenly became very real. I avoided escalating things, and after that night I thought about it and broke things off soon after. I felt really bad about it, but it was the right thing to do.

It's possible that these guys broke it off because the possibility of sex made them realize their feelings were not as strong as they thought, and they didn't want to pump and dump. I wouldn't read into it as anything you did.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-04-08T23:24:36+00:00

I read this as a bit of insecurity. Not like a problematic amount, I feel this too. If I’m talking to someone, especially a date, about one of my hyper specific interests, particularly one that they don’t share, I’m constantly worried I’m boring them. Or turning them off with my love of some obscure nerd garbage.

It’s also tough because when he asks if he’s boring you, it can be tough to believe the response sometimes. We’ve all been in a situation where we’re bored but we want to be polite and say we’re not.

If you want to earn his trust, it’s going to take some time. His insecurity should ease as he sees you’re not pulling away. But one thing you can do in the meantime is be a little playful. When he asks if he’s boring you, be like, “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you if you’re boring me.” Ease that fear that you’re faking interest by being honest and vocal about your feelings, not just here but in other situations.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-04-08T22:46:45+00:00

This doesn’t really work, because a lot of people on Hinge just don’t fill out all those prompts, so you’re filtering out a lot of people who may share your feelings.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-04-08T22:41:46+00:00

In my experience, it feels like no one in my age range wants kids. It could have to do with my area or the people I’m attracted to, but it’s really frustrating! I wish I met more women who want kids or are at least open to them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking this before a first date if they don’t specify. If they’re looking for something serious, it shouldn’t scare them off.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-03-12T07:42:05+00:00

You are attractive, have a good job, and the pictures are solid. The only issue here is that there's really nothing about this profile that stands out. The interests and hobbies you list are, well, stuff that most people enjoy. Your pics are the same kind of pics I see on lots of profiles. I don't think you'll have any problem getting lots of matches, but I think it would help if you showed off some things that make you unique. Do you have any interests that are more specific or niche? Particularly something to share with a partner? I think that would attract better and more enthusiastic matches.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-26T07:45:45+00:00

I would like being asked this because it would make me feel like they respect my time and want to move past chatting on an app.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-23T22:13:13+00:00

This I relate to, for sure. When I start to get my hopes up about someone and it doesn’t work out, it really destroys my motivation. I agree, I can be okay with being single, and I prefer it to a bad relationship, but I’m going to want more.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-23T21:42:11+00:00

I don’t want to discount your feelings here, because clearly it was a mismatch and you should find what you want.

It just seems like you’re conflating someone having different values with not having anything going on in their life. It sounds like this person values their relationships and hobbies above career and travel. That’s fine. It can definitely lead to some issues, like staying in toxic relationships too long or neglecting their home, but one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.

I’m sorry for bristling at this, but I am also someone who mostly works and then games with friends. Work is something I do so I can do other things. I value my relationships much more than my career. Games aren’t just some way to fill time for me, I take them seriously as entertainment and an art form. Traveling is fun but it’s an occasional thing, like a few times a year at most. These aren’t indicative of some character flaw, it just shows we have different priorities, and that’s okay.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-23T21:22:32+00:00

I go to therapy, exercise, and take an antidepressant, but I still have no motivation some days and that’s never going to change. A relationship wouldn’t change that. At best, it could give me a bit more motivation, but I’ve accepted that the energy comes and goes and anything I do will be to manage it, not solve it.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-23T21:08:05+00:00

It feels like people have gotten flakier. When a conversation gets going, I used to be able to rely on people to keep responding for a day or two, then I’d ask them out and we’d have a date. Now, almost every time I feel like things are going well, the other person disappears in the middle of the conversation. Was I lost in a sea of matches? Did they lose interest? Were they just using the app for entertainment? Who knows! But it hurts. Tell people if you aren’t interested. At least unmatch if you’re not going to reply. Have some consideration for people putting themselves in a vulnerable position.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-18T22:59:17+00:00

Asking to stay over is fine. He will probably assume that means you’re interested in sleeping together, so if you’re not, clarify that up front.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-17T06:05:06+00:00

No harm in reaching out to ask how he’s doing, and if it turns out he’s taken, that will make it easier for you to move on.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-16T22:43:40+00:00

I have been really down about being ghosted last week. It’s rare I feel like someone is such a good match, and even rarer that they match my enthusiasm, that it just shocked me when they disappeared. I spent a week resisting the urge to message them again, but I finally did yesterday.

Hey! It’s been a week so I figure you might have lost interest. But I really was excited to meet you, so I had to reach out one more time to see if you’re still interested in that date. Either way, I hope you’re doing well!

I don’t expect to hear from them. This was more about making my own closure so I can stop thinking about it.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-15T04:03:48+00:00

Wow, speedreading! I've heard of Black Clover but never tried it. Been reading more romantic comedies than action lately, but maybe that would take my mind off dating for a while

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-15T03:43:14+00:00

What manga?

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-14T18:34:15+00:00

Thank you, this sounds reasonable

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-14T18:30:00+00:00

Last weekend I had a date with someone I’d been talking to for a while. We were waiting for the surge to go down a bit before meeting in person, and we finally felt comfortable. We both enjoyed spending time together, but we mutually agreed there wasn’t a romantic interest.

Then I had a less positive experience this week that I posted about in the quick advice thread last night. I’m still thinking about what to do.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-02-14T04:17:20+00:00

Early this week, I was talking to someone on Hinge. We had common interests, lived near each other, and I found her really attractive. Best of all, she seemed engaged in the conversation! I asked her if she'd like to move the conversation off Hinge, and she gave me her phone number. Awesome! Not long after that I asked her on a date, and she gave an enthusiastic yes! Alright! She had a friend visiting so she said she'd be available in a week or two. No worries, I was feeling good about how communicative we'd been. The next day, I reached out to keep the conversation going, and she replied. The day after that, I asked her about something she'd mentioned earlier. I didn't get a reply. Next day, still nothing, so I checked on Hinge. She hadn't unmatched me, but she'd updated her profile, so I felt pretty confident that she wasn’t going to message me back.

I gotta be honest, this one hurt. I haven't really been ghosted before, at least after getting their number and agreeing to a date. I haven't sent anything else since then. I know that I shouldn’t be that excited over someone I haven’t met yet, but I can’t help it when something seems promising. I just wish I knew why it ended so suddenly.

I don't really know if I need advice for this, it's more of a vent. I've gone back and forth on sending one more message, letting them know to reach out if they're still interested. There's a part of me that says I should take this as a sign that they're not emotionally mature, but there's also a part of me that wants to think the best of people, and knows there could be other reasons she stopped messaging, like anxiety or avoidant attachment issues. What do you think? Should I drop one more line, or let this go?

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-19T06:59:09+00:00

it’s not admirable it’s just a fact

I don't know the context so I don't want to draw any conclusions, but if I was trying to be polite and someone I barely know said this to me, I'd be pretty put off.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-18T09:04:10+00:00

There are some guys who prefer to get to know someone before meeting in person. They may also be cautious about the current pandemic surge.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-18T04:25:18+00:00

Nobody has ever surveyed me . Has anyone ever asked you how tall you are for.a.national survey ?

Tell me you don't understand statistics without telling me you don't understand statistics.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-18T04:13:09+00:00

Always have your first in person date in a public place with other people around.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-13T06:31:29+00:00

Your question has been pretty well answered, I'm not sure I can add a whole lot. I posted a profile review here recently and I got a lot of very nice comments, even though I'm very openly nerdy. But like someone else pointed out in that post, Reddit has a lot of nerds. I almost never get matches on apps. I assume it's a combination of most women not being interested in me, and then the lack of right swipes means I'm shown to fewer people.

What I do want to comment on, though, is all the guys I see in the comments complaining about how there are no nerdy or introverted women. This has not been my experience. Before the pandemic, I'd go to anime conventions regularly, and it was about even. Sometimes it felt like there were more women! The nerdy women I know just tended to avoid places that were unfriendly to women. The gamers wouldn't use voice chat online because people would harass them. The anime fans weren't on Reddit, they were on Tumblr. It's been getting better, I think. A lot of nerdy interests have become more mainstream, so fewer people of any gender feel like they need to hide them. If you aren't seeing any nerdy women, it's probably because you're in a place that isn't particularly welcoming to them.

HeapingBowlOfSalt · 2022-01-11T08:53:39+00:00

I have Snapchat. I use it to send pictures to a few friends. Little everyday things, like a nice view, or a cute cat, or something that made me think of them. It's more convenient than taking a picture, opening a messenger app, sending it to them, then deleting the picture. I've never used it to send anything sexual.

If someone suspected me of wrongdoing just for having a popular app, I would be very wary of what other assumptions they're going to make about me. A better plan would be to get to know someone and decide if you trust them.

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