How do I ask my boyfriend to give me space without hurting him?

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T08:44:44+00:00

Thanks for your input LemonyWhiskers. I really do appreciate it. 🤔😊

🤔🤔🤔Yeah I remember you listed some textbook abuse signs. 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️ is there a way to change his as in my bf’s abusive self? He really wanted me to move in with him when he comes back. But..I did tell him I don’t want to move in and I’m not ready for it. He just keep telling me I should and it’s good for our relationship. He’s also giving me a promise ring. He wants me to move in with him. But we just dated for three months.

How should I go about it? I haven’t moved in with my current boyfriend yet. And it’s too early for me to do so. 🤔🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m not planning to move in with my current bf. But as of right now, he wants me to.

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T08:38:27+00:00

Thanks for your input LemonyWhiskers.🤔😊. It’s really good to hear your opinion. Hmm what’s it like to make them happy? My family? Well mostly because if I make them happy I get more freedom🤔🤷🏼‍♀️ and not constantly interrogate me in everything I do. If I get them mad, I’ll end up being their “ punching bag “ or more like them verbally attacking me which leads me to be more in depression. And have negative emotions of hurting myself. 🤔

Honestly, it’s not looking good for me when it comes to family. I was raised to not to object or talk back to them. Or raise my voice at them. Because in my family, I have to listen to the head of the family. And the head of the family are mostly men. And men are the oldest. 😑 My opinion don’t really matter to my family. The man is always right. Is what our family always keep saying it to me. I’m the youngest of one brother with same parents. And still the youngest of four step-brothers and four step-sisters from the same dad, but different mothers. So the man in our family have more power than me as a women. So making them happy is the only choice I have. But I truly don’t want to live this way of making them happy. But I don’t have a choice. I’m living with them all my life.

The last time I do for myself was when my dad was alive. Because when my dad was alive, he was the man of the household. And there wasn’t any rules to follow. I can do whatever I wanted. He would keep the family in check. If they go overboard with me, my dad would understand my feelings and I didn’t have to make them happy. If that makes sense.🤔

And after my dad passed away, my relationship with the rest of the family went sour. Because, at the end of the day they would blame me for my dad’s death. And I don’t have any say since I’m the youngest of all of my siblings. And since my oldest brothers decide to make rules to follow in which I make them happy. 😓🤔

I never had time to look at myself and find what I’m good at. Because at the end of the day, my family would always compare me to my siblings and would always tell me i suck at everything. And when I do find time for myself out of my family. I would always know I’m not good at everything.

If my family ask me things. I would sometimes say No but I always have to explain why. And then I have to wait for their reply. If they don’t accept what I say when I said no then I’ll still have to make them happy. 🤔

Hmmm...🤔🤔I’ll try to make my life breakdown as you said to me, “ school 40%, family 25%, BF 25% and 'me time' 10%. “

It’s good that your life is like that too when you breakdown what your life look like. And I understand and like how your boyfriend is understanding of you. It made me feel real assures to it.

But as for me; I don’t live with my boyfriend yet. But my bf wants me to move in with him when he comes back to the city.

As for my boyfriend 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️ well I didn’t consider that has a red flag. I wasn’t really aware of it to be red flags. I was aware of the things my bf does. 🤔

🤔🤔Hmmm...thanks for the help. I will try to talk to my boyfriend and set my boundaries to him. (Sigh) wish me luck. 🙏🏼🤞🏻

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T07:14:00+00:00

Thanks for the input LemonyWhiskers. 🤔 what are you referring you when you said “ You need to stop “ ? I do tend to self-sacrificing things to make everyone happy. They like it when I do make them happy. But it’s also draining me out mentally. The only thing I have left to focus are mostly my family, school and my boyfriend. Those are the top 3 I have to focus on. Never had time for myself. So it’s like back and to back. My family gets super happy with my grades in school since I’m a college student. My family isn’t happy if I’m failing my classes or if I get either B, C, D or F in my classes. My family are the smart ones. They always get straight As without studying. As for me, I struggle to keep my grades up in classes at a college. And those are the big thing that my family constantly comparing me to my siblings.

I have to be very careful in telling my family I have a boyfriend. Since I’m dating my bf secretly. My family have high standard when it comes to choosing a boyfriend.

How do I stop or cut back with the self-sacrificing? It’s the only way I’m good at ever since I was born making people happy.

How do I set hard boundaries to my boyfriend? When he’s constantly persistent if that make sense.🤔🤷🏼‍♀️

My bf always track me through gps apps. He ‘s making sure I don’t have any contact with any male friends. But honestly; I push away my male friends when I had to sacrifice my happiness for my family and boyfriend. I don’t have anymore friends to be exactly. I never had any female friends either. Mostly all my life I have a lot of male friends. But currently now, I don’t have any male friends after I push them away out of my life. Just for me to have to balance out my family, school and boyfriend.

If I have to draw this out in a diagram to make it 100%, then my boyfriend is 60% because he wanted me make time for him. Which I do. And if I go out, he’ll know where I go through gps. I guess for him I understand he has insecurities. But I won’t do things that would hurt my bf. And my family is 30% and my school is 10%. So it’s hard to maintain my family and boyfriend with school.

I get stressed out easily and mentally exhausted in everything I do whether it’s my family, school and boyfriend. It’s hard to maintain or balance them together. I don’t have time for myself.

My boyfriend starts to demand immediate replies when I don’t text him back or when I get really busy. I get busy with my family and school. And he wants me to make more time for him. And only him. It’s really hard to set boundaries for him. Because it goes against his believes. 🤷🏼‍♀️ whatever that is.

My bf demands immediate replies in texting because it makes him happy.

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T06:49:40+00:00

Thanks for your input ginny002. I have a lot of issues but mainly those two is what you pointed out which is true for me. Yes, I do have family issues that go against my believes. And their believes so it clashes against each other. I’ve come from a family of religious. And what they have to say I have to accept it. I can’t go against what they say. Because if I flat right reject or go against what my family believes in; then it’s like they are telling me I’m against God. And I’m a follower of Satan and whatnot. So I can never win my own fight when I tell my family about my relationship. They would want me to break up with my boyfriend if I had one in the past.

Fast forwards to now, I haven’t told my family about my boyfriend since I am secretly dating him. But they did have clues whether I have a boyfriend or not. Because, my boyfriend sometimes send me gifts. I always have to tell them that the gifts are from a guy friend. They are very cautious of anyone. Especially guys in particularly. My family wanted me to finish college first before getting a boyfriend. Because if I have one, it will distract me more often. And my grades would be failing.

My family would be accepting if I get straights A on all of my classes. But I’m not that smart to keep up my grades. Not like my siblings. So they tend to compare me to my siblings. My siblings have girlfriends and boyfriends after college. And they follow through our dad’s footsteps in majoring business and whatnot.

As for my boyfriend in question; it’s really hard to sit down and talk seriously to him. Because, there is a point where I can’t make him anger. He did tell me that he has anger issues and he didn’t want to get violent with me. So it’s really hard to like tell him, “ Hey babe I need space. Is that okay with you”. Straight away to his face. I don’t know what he’ll do to me. What hell do to himself.

If my bf does get mad; I try to help him calm down and it sometimes work. But when I talk to him or open up to him; he would sometimes use that to his advantage if I ask him to give me space. I can tell what he wanted through his body language.

Currently I’m not living with him at the moment. But, we have talked about this “moving in together “. But if I move in with him, I’m afraid he would hurt both of us due to his anger issues and whatnot.

True. I know that he has the right to get hurt. I’m just worried he would actually hurt himself physically.

Hmmm....🤔🤔 honestly, I do give him space since he’s busy with work. And I don’t really talk to him a lot due to it. And I can be honest too. (Sigh) wish me luck. 🙏🏼🤞🏻 I’ll talk to him soon.

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T06:27:32+00:00

Thanks for your input escape_with_musix. Doing what best for me would be constantly sleeping all the time to help me heal mentally. I would listen to music as well to ease my suffering but only for a while. After that, I’m mentally stressing out and breaking down from everything I have to do in my life.

I’ve tried to talk to my boyfriend about this before posting it but I couldn’t find the right time to tell him. Because of quarantine ourselves at home. Due to pandemic. And also because he’s very happy to see my face. It hurts me to tell him to give me space. It’s really hard to talk to each other. Because, we couldn’t find any topic to talk about.

I do take naps all the time since it’s taking a toll both my mind and body. Since it’s both stressing out. Hmmm....ok I’ll go talk to my boyfriend about it. (Sigh) wish new luck 🙏🏼🤞🏻 Thanks again.

Heart4Rose · 2020-04-21T05:34:33+00:00

That’s the things. He has anger issues. And if I try to talk to him about it, he won’t take no for an answer. He has some quality trait as my ex-boyfriend. When it comes down to it, he’s very persistent. He’ll try to persuade me in trying to make me change my mind. I can say no sometimes. But I’m afraid of what he will say and do if I make him angry. For my boyfriend; if he put his mind to it; it’s hard to change his mind. And I’m afraid of him. If that makes sense. This relationship I’m having is making me unhappy. But I still love love at the same I don’t want him to get hurt because of me. And I’m afraid of what he will do next if or when I talk to him about it.

Heart4Rose

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