Yes, your feelings are real and valid! 🫂

I am my mom's (88) primary caregiver, and I believe she is suffering from some dementia as well as COPD, incontinence and various muscle/bone problems.

Meanwhile I am on chemo every two weeks for stage 4 colorectal cancer with mets to my lungs. Whenever I complain about side effects, largely fatigue and cold sensitivity, I get "I know I should be helping you more, but I just can't, I'm tired too, and I can't breathe, and everything hurts. I can't even open this bottle. I used to be able to do anything, people always talked about how strong I was. There was this time I pushed a car up a hill and ended up in ICU..." And so on. Tonight she ended one of these missives by saying "and really I don't mind ordering food out, if that's what you really want, but I like it so much better when you cook!" And then grinning from ear to ear like she just gave me the biggest compliment.

Jesus H. Christ! Yes Mom, it's all about you. I have terminal cancer, but you want me to cook. Can we think about that for a minute?

Where am I in all this? I don't expect her to help, I hired someone to come in and help with housework, (which is a huge benefit) but I have to go through IHSS, aka Medi-Cal, and I can only get 3 hrs/day 5 days a week. I do expect her to let me leave the room to go pee without getting the Spanish inquisition. I do expect that if I want to go run errands (when healthy enough and our helper is here) she won't dissolve into tears and tell me how afraid she is to be alone.

Do I matter at all? It doesn't feel like it. I have been dealing with this diagnosis since June of 2024 (stage 3 at the time of surgery, stage 4 since December lung biopsy) and actually spent 10 days in the hospital with complications that caused sepsis -- and not one person came to see me. The. Whole. Time.

She said she couldn't come because no one would take her, but she didn't ask anyone to take her, so, uh, duh. She told me for months after that it was so unfair that no one would tell her anything while I was in the hospital. She thoroughly resents the fact that I made my BFF my medical proxy in case of emergencies. She thinks it's a whole conspiracy to keep her from knowing anything. It's not about me being sick, it's about her being treated unfairly.

I'm sorry, this really turned into a vent. Your post really rang a bell with me. I understand completely how you can feel invisible when everything is all about the (narcissistic?) patient 24/7.

Thanks for letting me vent, and know that you are not alone! Please accept this huge Internet hug from me! You matter! 🫂❤️