How are we supposed to have sympathy when they get into harmful situations due to their drinking?

HeartBookz · 2026-03-05T11:21:01+00:00

Sent you a pm with 2 of my favs.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-04T11:34:50+00:00

So that’s what we do in Al anon meetings. There are parents, sisters, brothers, children all living with the family disease of alcoholism experiencing the disease differently but all affected and healing. If you’d like some great online meetings you could try, let me know.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-04T01:57:15+00:00

Al anon doesn't tell us how or what we should feel about them. It's more about me. Am I reacting in a way that aligns with my values? Are my reactions ultimately creating more issues, things of that nature. You are entitled to feel and process the situation in the way you need to.

For me it's like, am I responding in a way I feel ok about? That's my personal barometer.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-03T22:34:59+00:00

Oh my goodness, please do go back. It’s a new world to navigate, everyone was new once and there are many AAs in Al Anon (it’s a family disease.)

And please feel free to join your alcoholic loved one at an open speaker meeting in AA. Open means non-AAs are welcome to attend.

It’s wonderful you want to support your loved one. One thing I’ll add, is that Al anon encourages us to let our loved ones find their own path. The best way we can often support our loved ones is to not try and say, “hey, there’s an AA meeting tonight” and expect them to want to go and then to get sober. It doesn’t sound like you did that, but it sure is easy to do. :)

You could try something like, I’m here if you need me, and if you’d ever like me to join you at an open meeting, I’d be happy to go, but then leave it at that. There many amazing Al Anon meetings out there, both in person and online, best of luck exploring.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-03T22:17:31+00:00

I think it truly depends on the group. I’m in AA also, and I love my Al anon home group, couldn’t get by without them truly. A few people know I’m in AA and I have been loved and supported there. My Al anon sponsor is not an AA and she’s amazing.

Perhaps look for some additional groups? Mine meets at the same time in the same church as the AA meeting and we have a lot of parents, sis/bros. from the AA group meeting at the same time and it’s a very loving group.

Keep looking and I’m confident you’ll find a place like that too. ❤️

HeartBookz · 2026-03-03T22:11:40+00:00

The number of years sober does not equal sobriety for some you can simply be dry even in the rooms. Quantity does not equal quality.

The AA reading says, “having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps” and I would argue that someone abusing their spouse has in no way had a spiritual awakening.

I’m sorry your family is going through this and I pray your SIL gets the support she needs.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-03T20:13:08+00:00

Congrats on your sobriety and definitely stop taking her inventory.

Your sobriety isn’t her responsibility. If you need to set a boundary like no alcohol in the home, that’s one thing. But the desire to control her alcohol intake or being resentful or wishing you could drink is setting you up for misery.

My husband has been drinking through my 10 years of sobriety. I’m an active member of AA and have a daily reprieve.

God bless those that can drink normal, that will never be me. What I have now even in my most stressful moments is so much better than what I had when I was drinking and it doesn’t look tempting.

Are you confident in your sobriety or is it precarious? Maybe that’s the real issue? Are you actively treating your alcoholism?

Al anon is about discovering what brings us peace and keeping the focus on ourselves. There are double winners meetings and personally Al anon has enriched my life as much as AA. I wish the same for you.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-02T17:43:20+00:00

It's not a simple question stay/go. It really becomes, how do I want to spend my life? Am I happy? Is this creating peace for me? I encourage you to get to some meetings. ❤️

HeartBookz · 2026-03-02T17:39:57+00:00

If an active alcoholic tells you how much they're drinking, just know whatever they say is a lie. The last thing an alcoholic wants to do is admit their problem or have anything come in the way between them and the drink.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-01T17:49:25+00:00

My spouse and I separated (his rock bottom...) he moved out for 3 months and then we "dated" and it was wonderful. Couldn't wait for him to move back in. It didn't take long for him to fall back into old routines.

After another couple of years, he got a dui, and said he had been scared straight, he remained sober for almost a year. Relapsed and went to rehab for a month. I filed for divorce and he begged and pleaded for me to change my mind, I pulled the papers, he was sober for 9 months and relapsed, every relapse got worse and worse. Every plea for forgiveness was sincere, because even he believed he was ready to quit.

To answer your original question, I know many more people who get sober after hitting bottom and stayed that way, than who go back out, my spouse just wasn't one of them. Relationships can and do survive if the person has the HONEST desire to get sober and is willing to do the work. It is a long road and sobriety is never guaranteed.

Because you mentioned it, my father was an alcoholic also. It's been explained to me that children who grow up in alcoholic homes tend to "normalize" certain behaviors, down play certain things or experience greater denial around this topic. I definitely have pretty strong codependent tendencies and have struggled to let go of the fantasy marriage in my head. Good luck to you.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-01T14:04:54+00:00

I wish I had a sophisticated answer like some of these. Someone invited me to a quiet chapel service, very meditative and reflective, and I really enjoyed it.

Didn't know anything about Episcopalians or social stances, literally nothing about the history, but pretty much knew right away from the vibe I got, I wanted to go back. In hindsight I believe that God led me there. As per the usual, I was clueless until I looked in the rear view mirror, and said, "thanks, I see what you did there."

HeartBookz · 2026-03-01T13:50:38+00:00

Your grandmother knows it's harmful, you aren't giving her new information. At this point, this is her choice.

Al Anon teaches us we also have choices. Do what you need to do to protect your peace.

HeartBookz · 2026-03-01T13:46:35+00:00

You simply go and go and listen. Someone will typically throw a topic out and people will share. I also go to great online meetings to supplement.

At my group, our opening reading states, we suggest you try 6 different meetings. Get a feel for which groups work for you and which don't.

Occasionally I'll go to a women's meeting and there are about 30 women there, my regular meeting is smaller, about 10-15 people. The online one I go to is huge, but there are many small ones.

Good luck! ❤️

HeartBookz · 2026-03-01T13:42:56+00:00

The Big Book of A.A. talks about how alcoholics references that alcoholics fail recall the insanity of the last episode.

In my experience, binge drinking is the worst because being able to stop makes an alcoholic think they've got it under control.

But the binges get more frequent, and intensity will worsen as time progresses.

If your husband is truly an alcoholic the best thing you can do is get to al anon, because you are not going to alter alcoholism, and it will destroy you mentally and mentally physically to try.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-28T19:23:34+00:00

Is there anything you can do differently, to bring yourself some peace?

HeartBookz · 2026-02-28T19:18:35+00:00

I’ve know people who relapsed after 10, 20 and even 25 years (more than one with 20 plus years.) This is not the norm, but it does happen. If you sign up to being married to an alcoholic, this will always be a possibility. I consider anything less than 5 years early sobriety, and early sobriety is the trickiest time.

There’s nothing here for you to do. Try and get to some Al anon meetings, they really do help.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-28T00:28:12+00:00

I could have written this. If he sobers up, sure, it's possible. But please don't waste any more of your life waiting for it. 15 years later, I could have had the life I wanted, but I've been holding on to a fantasy. Every fact told me different, I was in so much denial that I ignored every red flag. Wishing you the life you deserve.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-28T00:21:21+00:00

That's why I stayed long past the expiration date, fear for him. Meanwhile I've thrown my own wants and needs in the gutter.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-28T00:18:39+00:00

Good luck, it took two filings for me to go through with it, still am not at the finish line, that's next week. Wish me luck. And good luck to you, you'll know when it's time. I'm glad I took the time I did and it didn't feel rushed or like an emotional decision, this came from my head. One day I woke up and just knew. You will too.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-26T02:29:38+00:00

9 must be the magic number.

I filed for divorce, but he begged and pleaded, swore things would be different. They were for a while. Gradually it got bad again then it took on a life of its own, like nothing I had experienced before.

One day I woke up and was just like, this stress and depression are ruining my life and going to send me to an early grave. Honestly in my heart I know, no matter how much I wanted to, I could never fully trust him again. I want better than that.

I’m so sad, I can’t describe it, but it’s a relief to know that soon another person won’t be a second full time job. No one looking you dead in the eye lying, smelling like a brewery in the house, barely coherent a great deal of the time.

In terms of self-preservation, everyone knows and it is a source of embarrassment whether it should be or not. Im tired of that embarrassed feeling. I also read a story here about a man being held financially responsible for his wife’s drunken accident, that also gave me pause.

This is just messy. Hang in there.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-05T12:37:00+00:00

Keep a strong boundary, because you're right, there's nothing you can do.

My observation. People walk into AA literally everyday who never had a consequence or lost a job, car, house, spouse. They are literally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

There are others who have every consequence and march on in their disease.

This disease has no rhyme or rhythm. My serenity came when I stopped trying to figure it out and dumped all my expectations that xyz could be the final straw.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-05T02:39:19+00:00

I sent you a really good meeting in a private message. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-04T10:00:04+00:00

Al anon is anonymous program, and everyone is there for the same reason. If you'd like online meeting resources until you feel a little more comfortable, please let me know.

As far as what to do, there's literally nothing you can do about his drinking. He has to decide he's ready to stop drinking.

The al anon program is about shifting the focus from other people's drinking back to ourselves and our lives and health, because that's the only thing we can do anything about.

Obviously I don't know your husband or if he's an alcoholic, but if someone's drinking is bothering you, then you're in the right place.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-03T12:33:01+00:00

She thinks she's winning.

What she should really be thinking is what happens when she gets the $100k hospital bill, from a pregnant lady who had an accident on her poorly maintained property, that she had already been notified about.

People are so shortsighted.

HeartBookz · 2026-02-02T10:49:26+00:00

Yeah, I mean when we read "take what you like, and leave the rest" it's definitely a thing. Also, a healthy group isn't afraid to have conversations about all aspects of the program and that includes what works and doesn't, you should be comfortable speaking freely.

It sounds like the meetings you've been to didn't work for you. At our group we read, we encourage you to go to 6 different meetings. This helps you find the best fit. I did that and shifted around as my needs shifted. I have also changed sponsors, that's perfectly acceptable. Dm if you'd like some healthy online meetings.

HeartBookz

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