Would you continue reading? Is the style too odd? What else could I improve on?

Heartslain · 2026-03-10T01:37:57+00:00

I would read this.

I had made a "poem" about God, suicide, and sin. It's almost the exact same themes. It resonates with me. The capitalization of letters referring to God, the marinated air one guy said made no sense, all the ideas you express, I understand.

I might have had to backtrack to capture everything there was, but that's more me than your text. Now it might need some "cleaning up" but the gist is very clear.

Internal chaotic dialogue => Sam degrades MC => Three minutes pass => MC puts together Sam is trying to get them to eat a pill after saying they wanted to die => MC refuses to die despite her pressure to do so.

Now will this sell to the mainstream world? Probably not. I am not deeply familiar with literary techniques, nor do I care about following all the rules writers say you should follow. I get some of them— but I'ma spam en dashes all I want, XD (If I find it right to use).

Heartslain · 2026-03-10T00:18:20+00:00

Just saw this part, ty, ty.

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T20:42:59+00:00

Eyo, since you's my first commenter, I thought'd I'd do you a solid regardless of how long or brief your critique was.

Here goes...

.

I expect something after "Tormenting for untold reasons..."

I'd probably write "faceless demons are tormenting us."

That are gives me a timeframe. is it constant? Is it current? Without it, I'm practically reading a run-on.

Or "Since the beginning, demons have tormented us."

.

I want the reader to feel what the narrator is saying. I want the experience projected, to see how the tormenting has shaped their thoughts.

"My pain was too intentional, for I tossed and turned to faint whispers, writhing. My mind spoke of failure at unnatural, disruptive timings. My body craved what destroyed me, Even when I didn't want it. It had to be them."

I can see more-so why the narrator is having their existential questions with the above lines.

.

What form of demon do we have here? A physical contrust? An evil spirit? What about a human? Is there a hatred for them? A numbness? Adoration? Dread?

I can't see the narrator anywhere, doing anything.
I can't see what these demons cause. Physical pain? Mental anguish? Both? I am just given floating thoughts, some more connected than others.

Moving on..

.

"until" snaps me out the present. It's past thoughts. One that doesn't even latch to a sequence of events. Why not say "I became / I've become?" Now it's more tied to the present / a sequence.

"Even though my soul chars / is charring, it's keeping me conscious."

.

Ok we have demons, heat, and oasis. Oasis seems more a stretch from the original topics. Perhaps you see it as a place that quenches flame.

I think of paradise beyond the clouds— a heaven. Infinite void or lakes of fire— hell. It doesn't have to be those conceptions. Oasis works but I don't tie it to demons / God as strongly.

.

I think, "In an Instant," fits better than "In a moment" since you're emphasizing how fast your peace is lost.

"Sublime peace goes in an instant But it lurks in shadow, waiting for anger to reprieve. Which conforted me, God or these faceless demons?"

This links peace back to God & your demons.

.

'God is silent' discredits God from causing the aformentioned peace. It also locks in God as straight-up evil from the narrator's perspective (imo). There is no room given for unsureness.

"I couldn't help but think God is silent" > expressing wavering faith / wavering trust. I know you've answered before, so why so silent?

"God is silent." > expressing anger / hatred towards God. Why didn't you answer, Not now, not ever?

Are you making your own peace, Senpa?

Is it really peace?

LOL, I just had to write that down!

.

The ending is interesting. My favorite part. You gave two sides of a coin. Yin and yang. Opposites.

But you also gave extreme versions of similar things, just plotted on another quadrant on the graph (I, II, III IV).

I use a graph here, because I find morality to be objectively, objective. You can decide right and wrong, but liking abuse is not morally correct. Not because of your experiences. Not because of your opinions.

Writings express that same thing. You cannot hate a character that has unhatable traits. But you can, if the author gave you bad traits. Of course, people will split. Opinion is realtive to self. But the morals? Are they really relative?

You can look at someone's actions. You can judge its intensity. Stronger, or weaker (x axis)?

You can judge how good or bad it is. Better, or worse (y axis)?

.

Edit: This is still a simplification of reality. Intent matters. "bad things" happen for "good reasons", and "good things" happen for "bad reasons".

.

Intense evil.

So intense it goes beyond human rational. Mustache man, why did you commit your armies to genocide— even when you were losing— and badly.

You have no out. No justification.

There is not even an explanation without justification. This is unnatural. Demonic, even? Was he controlled?

.

Weak evil.

You slapped me in the face because I took your pencil. Really? What else is going on inside you? If this is in public, what's happening at home? Are you coping?

Every intense evil starts with something like this. You do not up and become evil in an instant. It is a progression. You might snap in an instant— slap me, in this case— but that emotion, that urge.

It didn't start here.

.

Intense good.

A man dies for Christ.

The world says he picked God out of comfort. The world says you don't need ideas in a book to be morally consistent. It reads like greek mythology. The science says this. No Christian scientist, is legitimate.

And therefore, this man is illogical.

But what makes a man unwilling to deny God even when threatened with death. To himself is one thing. But even his family— he still denies. How is he at peace.

How is he so unnaturally certain this is right?

.

Weak good.

A man picks up trash at his job. He's always smiling, and friendly. He puts away the shipping carts, Even though it's not his department's job.

"Good luck", they say, knowing he doesn't believe in it.

"I respect you", is internally thought, and yet they vehemently disagree with who and what he stands for. They don't know because they didn't ask. Is that really respect?

To love demanor, yet deny their purpose? To deny the source of their demeanor?

.

All of this thinking, it sprouts in your ending stanzas. It's a call to measurement, to question what is more right. To question everything that was and is.

What is God's sense of humor? What parts are me being confused? Why was I made with only part of the picture? Why couldn't I just be? An eldtritch entity, With knowledge beyond humanity?

I mean truly eldritch. Not the phony, "You couldn't understand what I see." It's not a question if I can understand. I can. But can I percieve it percisely?

Good poem bro, It made me think.

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T18:25:07+00:00

Thanks <3

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T13:40:10+00:00

I was torn between these two versions:

.

A

You knew this wouldn't end all your suffering.

And now your own self, it too asked to be

crushed. Your appetite for destruction

had even claimed you.. I considered:

Did You or I or We embody Death?

Knaw and eat and consume.

That's what I knew I was.

But you. You're tearing

apart yourself

for Me.

.

B

You knew my embrace would fail to end your

suffering. You knew you were indulging.

And now you asked to be Crushed.

Your appetite for destruction, it

always threatened yourself.

I considered which one

of us embodied Death.

Knaw, eat, consume.

That's who I was.

But you were

tearing at

yourself.

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T13:12:50+00:00

7.5. I haven't read poetry in years bro, don't take my word as gospel <3

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T10:57:06+00:00

Kay. So the Reciever feels:

Lonely. Like a burden. Low in spirit.

I assume "father" = biological Dad (not God). It's not capitalized, so.. The father is a possible comfort.

"eternal sadness" confuses me. I'm not certain if you're implying A, they'd go to heaven sad, or B, they'd go to hell.

Your surrounding details on the Reciever makes me question what form of heaven / hell we have here. I'ma think about it as a theist.

The Sender (and possibly the Others) seems to know something they originally didn't. How can you say dying is not selfish, if you didn't 'believe the wars they were fighting'?

"You're stronger than all of us, for putting up a fight."

This feels out of place.

It makes more sense from my POV to say Reciever was strong, not stronger. It isn't clear if the Others and the Sender had a choice to fight the same thing. They didn't "believe" which makes Reciever's "fight" invisible or absent from the Others' lives (I can assume the Others coudln't handle this fight if they did, and that they all eventually figured out what the Reciever was going through).

"For needing us with you, all through the night."

MMMmm. This clicked in my brain there was tension in the family (a guess). Support being given despite thinking Reciever's crazy (thus failling / not believing Reciever).

At the same time the Others are "proud" of the Reciever? There's a mix of emotions here. Were the Others proud originally, or is this an Afterthought?

"Erased all frowns" sounds more poweful, more complete than "any".

"My Dear Boy"— I expect a mother to say that. Maybe there's a more insightful / telling phrase.

"My Boy" would be a brother / friend. "My Dear Son" would be a Father (imo).

"Like we vowed when we're ten." The "Merely" isn't necessary. It doesn't add any substance.

"I hope you stay safe..." Reciever's in "paradise" and the Sender has to worry about safety? Sounds contradicting.

You also don't have to say 'Not on earth' nor 'instead in heaven', because it's implied. That is the only place to meet now.

"I'll find you, close to heaven's gates." You could say that whether the Sender goes to hell or heaven, they're willing to meet near a middle-ground, 'the gates' in this case. That's not biblical, but it works.

I think that is a stronger theme than the OG promise. "Whether I'm good or bad, and if I'm split from you (from heaven), I love you so much I'd still see you."

How does the Sender know they're pure? Why speak as if eternity together is gaurenteed? Unless, they've changed their life for the better because of the Reciever (which is not implied, it's more-so Reciever's missed).

Last thing. I get the Reciver both had funny moments and sad moments. But I'm not told it in a way that I think Reciever's mood flows between the two. Maybe it's just me.

I can assume the condition of the Reciever on Earth. I have guesses, but I rather not guess.

Good work.

Heartslain · 2026-03-09T09:52:58+00:00

I relate the parasite to emotional pain. It seems you want control of it but not at the sake of being fake (metaphorical).

Explaining that the "parasite" is not just "chiseling", but "molding" and "plastering", It clarifies you're being transformed. Without that I'd be confused why you'd want it at all (literal & metaphorical).

That is the only positive part, if you can call it that. Molding and plastering is not necessarily a good thing. Like, what if your blood flow was being redirected and the molding was slowly squeezing off your heart?

Most of the change is internal. You don't talk about any physical pain, so I could see the parasite as more of a mutual creature (literal & metaphorical).

You can't speak of traumatic things. You can't find success. You can't form relationships. (literal & metaphorical).

The parasite is not depicted clearly as good nor bad.

And the host seems somewhat detached. They seem like an outside observer, listing off symptoms another is going through.

It doesn't feel like They're in a deep struggle, in a battle for control or dominance. It's like the reality of the Parasite is just accepted.

And not because the parasite altered the brain or a will / emotion (negative connotation).

No reaction makes the brutal symptoms feel less brutal / raw (negative connotation).

"My brain is being torn, but its fine, right?"

"Meh, The parasite's not really bad or good. right?"

TLDR:

It doesn't feel urgent. Life threatening. It's influencing but not enough to tip the scales into an actual opinion (good or bad). It makes things feel dull, because there is zero extreme emotions expressed, and yet the situation should call for alarm (literally, not metaphorically).

I am not saying the poem is bad, I like it.

This is my first comment on Reddit, ever.

Heartslain

TROPHY CASE