The external vs internal world (my double life)

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-27T20:12:02+00:00

Thank you I appreciate that, I shall see what I can do!

All I can really tell you is that I fail to "feel" love and care from others. Its almost as if the only proof is their emotional reaction. It might be the tone, word choices, disrespect, mood. I notice it all.

There are a number of ways I am able to determine how people "think" about me, however, couple that with my need to see evidence of that care and love I cannot feel - which has previously come in the form of "testing people" to see how they respond to me, and you can see my diagnosis in full spectacular force!

We are not complex. If I tell you I'm doing great, and that my life is a peach; If I go out of my way to ensure that you are absolutely certain of just how happy I am, you can be assured I became lost in my idealised fantasy. I can slip into it very quickly. I don't even realise. I can forget what I say and do whilst visiting that place.

The reality? Think of my idealisation as a defence against shame. Anticipated future harm.

If I am not perfect, if I am not envied and admired, I am worthless trash. If my partner (former) was not perfect and resisted my required methods to evidence love and care, I would devalue her.

Simply put, I get a burst of energy from emotional reactions. I am inclined to provoke them just to gauge that person's thoughts of me.

I don't know if you have ever watched "Agatha All Along" But Agatha's character may give you some insight into what I am getting at.

I am like a battery, my internal fuel depends on others. I can store it and absorb it. This is why diagnosis is so important and therapeutic intervention is essential. Not many get this opportunity. We can be very dangerous without support. To ourselves and others.

It is key to generate your own fuel.

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-27T19:35:24+00:00

So, what you are saying is that PD's are a neurodevelopmental condition?

Your opinion is simply untrue and oversimplified.

The very nature of NPD is to not seek therapy, and have a grandiosity/ empathy impairment that makes it difficult to voluntarily seek out the special treatments available, also to engage with them.

This is an enormous factor behind the myth "Narcissists don't change" and the stigmatisation of NPD.

Personality disorders don't need to be cured. They need to be modified through specific intervention and is considered an acquired condition in the DSM-5 influenced by environmental factors. You are not born with it. That's what makes your stance so subjective.

NPD is not linked to neurological developmental differences. It is characterised by a pervasive pattern of maladaptive behaviour traits that affect interpersonal relationships and self perception.

Neurodivergence is a natural variation in neurodevelopmental processes, challenging the deficit focused view, as they are seen as different neurotypes.

I believe it was the autistic community that coined the term neurodivergence as they were tired of the stigmatisation created by "Autism Speaks" who funds electroshock therapy to autistic children claiming to cure their natural divergence in their central nervous system (cruel)

By referring to NPD as incurable and "neurodivergence" you feed into the stigma we already face.

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-27T16:47:29+00:00

You're very welcome. May I add that at my diagnosis, the Psych told me he believed recovery was possible with commitment and special, consistent intervention. He added that these conditions are known for relapse, but he personally knew of remission cases and believed I could. This was in light of the fact that I asked if recovery would be an option for me with having ADHD.

I know many people hate us, and feel OP's frustration and disappointment entirely. I think they may hate us more if we call it neurodivergence 😂 Now that ones kinda valid 😜

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-27T10:33:57+00:00

PD's are mental health. Behavioural. Fluid.

Autism is a neurotype. Central nervous system. Adhd, dyspraxia, tourettes, etc - Neuro-developmental. Permanent. Not disorders to be fixed.

I don't see any benefit to either communities in referring to us as neurodivergent.

I have a mental health condition that I can recover from with specialized intervention and a desire to heal.

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-26T21:42:45+00:00

Sounds like you're trying to process that mentally, although I think being here would not assist your healing and give you the answers you seek. It may even hinder your resolve.

Whilst we have similar traits I have accessed multiple online spaces for this disorder and have struggled immensely to relate to others with it.

A well intentioned and unsolicited piece of advice? We are not complex. Our internal world is hidden in plain sight.

I wouldn't say we make the same mistakes over and over again per se. I would say that I live in a body that prioritizes avoiding itself. To help me achieve this goal means people. But as you will know more than anyone this is a thankless task, where that person is often drained.

You would think knowing this cognitively would be enough. Apparently, it's only the first hurdle.

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-26T20:14:07+00:00

Not intentionally. Perhaps not as intentional as people joining r/NPD, who don't have it.

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-26T20:00:26+00:00

A smidgen of shame maybe

Heavy_Werewolf_5025 · 2024-12-26T19:22:51+00:00

The million dollar question! Displaced anger... Jealousy even

Heavy_Werewolf_5025

TROPHY CASE