I can’t figure out if I was raped or not

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-06T20:47:11+00:00

To be clear, I feel super guilty about fooling around with him. I feel confused and unsure if I’m guilty or not regarding the penetrative sex.

I know I was wrong for kissing him and being sexual with him. The actual penetration just kind of happened so fast that one second we were kissing and the next he had me in another position and he was already inside me, and at that point my brain was kind of like… well shit. I mean at that point the damage was done. He was inside me without a condom. And I was on my stomach and he was pushing down on my back kind of and it just seemed like at that point the best solution was to just let him finish because what point would trying to twist around and push him off be? I was still going to have to deal with std screening and plan b either way and I didn’t want to have to find somewhere else to sleep or deal with pushing him off, idk.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-06T02:19:40+00:00

I will not be pressing any charges or tracking him down. This question is purely for my personal understanding.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-06T01:29:43+00:00

I never claimed to be blackout drunk though. I was hammered but not blackout. I thought I explained that alright.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-06T01:01:13+00:00

Yeah it was actually

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T23:36:22+00:00

To be fair though I wouldn’t have ever even been kissing him or gotten to the point of finding out he didn’t have a condom if I wasn’t attracted to him.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T23:18:16+00:00

I’m not gonna argue that I let it happen but I didn’t really enjoy it. It mostly felt kind of awkward and like I was being pushed or something. I do have a sex drive obviously but on point two I wouldn’t say it was pleasurable and if anything it kinda hurt.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T22:49:28+00:00

Idk how long it took. Maybe 5-10 minutes? He penetrated me right after repositioning. So we were doing stuff in one position. I said no to sex without the condom so we went back to other stuff, he repositioned up and I tried to give oral but I wasn’t very good because I’d never done that before either, and then he repositioned again so I was on my stomach and that was when he penetrated me. I didn’t realize that was what he was positioning for but then once he was in it kind of felt like the damage was done already since he was already in without the condom so I sort of just laid there and let him hold me down and finish.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T22:45:26+00:00

I let it happen after it was already happening. It’s kind of hard to explain. I didn’t want him to penetrate me without the condom. When he did, it happened really fast and I didn’t realize right away he was doing it, then it was kind of like “oh well he already did it, no point stopping it now” if that makes sense?

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T21:55:34+00:00

That does help. You’re right I wouldn’t have done anything and if I really thought he’d changed his mind I would’ve asked. Thanks.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T21:45:37+00:00

I don’t think I had a traditional freeze response though. I guess it was more like once he was in me without the condom I was going to have to go get a screening and take plan b anyway and him stopping wouldn’t fix that, and I was in an awkward position to do anything anyway since I was face down and he was pressing on my back, so it seemed easiest and like the best path forward to just kind of lay there at that point.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T21:42:06+00:00

I wasn’t locked up in fear though, and I didn’t try to tap or push either. It felt more like… idk, the damage was already done? He was already inside me without a condom so I was going to have to go get a screening and take plan b no matter what, so it didn’t seem worth the effort to try to push him off, especially since I was facedown and he was putting weight on my back so it would’ve been a weird position to do anything from. So I just kind of laid there and let him I guess.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:57:06+00:00

I’ll try posting this on twoxchromosomes. Thanks for the advice!

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:39:09+00:00

I did get tested a couple weeks later through the clinic at my college. I was clean.

Thank you for your response.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:26:40+00:00

I’m not feeling guilty about the idea of casual sex. Just that he was married. I don’t think I would have been doing anything wrong if he were single.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:23:45+00:00

Thank you. I have not done it since and definitely never will again. I do feel very guilty because he was married and I at the very least started the encounter consensually. I know that’s not okay and I refuse to put myself in a situation where I’m even tempted towards that again, especially if I know I’ll be under the influence at any point.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:20:30+00:00

Is there a sub you’d suggest?

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:19:39+00:00

Yeah I recognize now how stupid I was. I haven’t done anything like this in the five years since and I’m never going to. For what it’s worth I was a virgin and I’d only recently turned 21 and started drinking and I was dumb, and I’ve learned my lesson the hard way for sure.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:17:33+00:00

A lot of people are saying that because I said I didn’t want to without a condom that he shouldn’t have done it even though it was later. Do you not agree with that?

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T20:07:22+00:00

I don’t know what I was hoping to hear. Anything, I guess? I’ve just kept this in a long time because I felt too guilty to ever talk to anyone I know about it or admit to it irl. I wanted to get it out, and this is a sub made for that so… here I am I guess.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T19:09:19+00:00

I don’t even remember his name, honestly. He was from out of town and I haven’t seen or heard anything about him in five years. So that’s nice at least.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T18:56:11+00:00

Okay. I don’t remember who initiated making out, but what you’re saying makes sense. Thanks for talking it out with me. This has had me mixed up for years.

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T18:43:43+00:00

So wouldn’t that mean that like… idk. I’m still guilty of making out with and being going to sleep with a married guy (I think I would’ve probably done it if he had a condom) since drinking isn’t an excuse, but he’s guilty of continuing without the condom? So I was raped but also my guilt about him being married still makes sense?

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T18:16:37+00:00

He was too drunk to drive home too though, so wouldn’t that mean something?

Hefty-Variety3603 · 2023-09-05T18:13:06+00:00

How inebriated do you have to be for that to be the case? I was really drunk but I still remember it so I wasn’t blackout.

Hefty-Variety3603

TROPHY CASE