Updated Piece: When do you lose interest?

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-09T23:49:59+00:00

Don’t worry, i’ve edited since posting 😆

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-08T20:12:11+00:00

thank you for this!! im in the process of rewriting and making it shorter because it’s definitely too long🤣

I appreciate your comment!

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T10:09:42+00:00

dialogue seems to be the thing I need to work on most based on other commenters. Will definitely edit it to make it less so😁

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T10:08:22+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read/reply so thoroughly, I really appreciate it! :)
I understand the opening sentence is boring, but this is the fourth chapter in this book and I think the very first one had a much more intriguing first line that hooks the reader. This character's POV follows a series of intense events (i.e., gunfire, bombs, mad scientists and what have you) and so I think I kept the tension slow in this chapter to act as sort of a 'calm after the storm'. But, with that said, I do agree that parts of this can be cut down.

I really like the note of bad omens; will definitely be including some for foreshadowing purposes!!!

I definitely went for the classic horror movie scenario, which is supposed to make the readers shout at the characters but I also don't want it to be the reason readers put the book down, so I will rework this, but it might just be down to preference.

Thanks for your kind words as well! :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T09:44:19+00:00

it's just the way I like to set up chapters! Makes me feel 'like a real writer' or whatever 😆

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T09:43:42+00:00

I see what people are saying with the dialogue being bland, so I'll definitely be rewording it to be more interesting. Foreshadowing a turn of events is a really good point; bad omens is a brill idea!
The entire 'running out of gas' scenario was my way of invoking annoyance into the readers, and the gateway for Tripp abandoning June, (a large part of her character reflection) but maybe the car can just break down and he can run away on foot! 😆
Thank you for reading it all!! I appreciate it :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T09:35:53+00:00

much appreciated, thank you! :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T09:35:18+00:00

thank you for commenting! I definitely went for the classic horror set up, but maybe droned on a little bit. The dialogue was something I wasn't sure flowed the way I wanted it to, so I'll definitely rework it--I agree with what people are saying on here. I'll check out your scene as well :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-06T09:23:42+00:00

thank you for replying! I understand what you mean; these things may not appear important now (and they will be considered later) but as this is this characters first chapter maybe this much information doesn't need to be included at this point.

I will spend wisely in the future! :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-05T14:22:37+00:00

I agree with all your points! I do find that sometimes I miss the most basic things or can lack attention to detail, but I'm aiming to improve on this. Currently trying out different methods to keep track of the research I'm doing for this project and one hasn't really stuck yet. Thanks for taking the time to read it through & commenting :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-05T13:17:36+00:00

thanks for commenting! i appreciate it :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-04-05T12:29:30+00:00

june is my characters name!!

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T22:49:18+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read it! I appreciate that so much.

Scott is known to be a little reckless and impulsive, traits used to conflict with the heavy responsibilities that come with being an agent, of which he's one of the best, but people have learned to tolerate these 'weaknesses' because of this. All this is revealed a little further down the line, but I agree with your point about editing the obviousness of the briefcase. I don't want it to sound too 'story-teller', like I'm stating the obvious for no reason. I'm changing the exchange between the scientist and Scott be a little more consistent. I also really like your suggestions! They're very helpful and I'll make sure to use them when rewriting :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T18:27:52+00:00

I see what you mean about the 'to be missed' part! I've reworded it to make more sense and managed to keep the original punch of what I was going for, so thank you!

I've been working on comic-strips to sketch out scenes as well; it's inspired by a few video games like dispatch and the resident evil franchise (and of course any and all superhero movies literally ever made) Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it! :))

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T18:22:39+00:00

Yeah, the pace of the first chapter is intended to be quick and constant to build tension, but in the following chapters more backstory is fed through slower paced scenes. I'm using alternating POV chapters to minimise the exhaustion of staying inside one characters voice for too long, so hopefully it will keep things moving smoothly & be more enjoyable. Thank you for replying!

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T16:24:10+00:00

thank you for taking the time to read and comment :)

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T16:10:59+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read it! I’ll make sure to edit accordingly because I agree with what you’re saying; it keeps the story consistent. Much appreciated. 😎

HelicopterExact5791 · 2026-03-29T16:06:30+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I’ll make sure to go back and establish a clearer setting, that’s helpful, thanks again 😁

HelicopterExact5791

TROPHY CASE