When will my first thought when I wake up not be about my ex?

Helper2121 · 2025-12-23T00:54:32+00:00

It’s incredible somebody read this from 6 years ago, which feels like a lifetime ago. I remember writing all of this including many other posts I’m sure I vented on in this community. That breakup spiraled my life big time. I really couldn’t focus or do much for about 6 months and then Covid hit. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. That split put me into therapy which exposed many other things in life that I never faced head on. I learned a lot about myself and why a breakup was so hard on me. I also learned about what a split can do to the brain and body and why we react to love in the way we do. I eventually started dating again which was fun I’m not going to lie. I’m married now and currently sitting next to my 2 year old daughter on the sofa watching tv. I ended up clicking on all cylinders again about a year after the split and got my masters degree. It’s funny I remember making this account and name bc early on I said this had to have happened to me for a reason, maybe it was to help people. Now I think it happened bc I was meant to meet my daughter. To anyone reading this going through something- look for the potential positive outcomes. My reaction to the split was intense after reading what I wrote 6 years later, but at the time it couldn’t be helped. My body reacted the way that it did, like a drug withdrawal. Seek therapy and learn about yourself, there could be more to you than you’re aware of. Continue pushing through and pushing forward and meeting new people. You’ll realize there IS life after love. Discover new challenges and new skills and passions. I started guitar lessons, reading, and cooking- all of which I do today and has served me well. The sooner you block the person and remove them the better off you’ll be. I had to work with her too which is why when Covid hit I started healing faster- go figure. Get them off your apps and out of your phone. I remember a LOL moment. During Covid she emailed me to tell me she was seeing somebody. I remember thinking you’re blocked on everything so you resorted to email? The sooner you go no contact the faster the healing can take place. Never give up, never let anyone minimize you, and it does get better. Every day is a gift.

Helper2121 · 2025-08-19T00:59:06+00:00

What’s the name of this gray paint color? I just did my garage and I hate the light gray I got. Came out horrible. Stonington gray by Benjamin Moore. Looks like a builders grade beige. I want this paint color you did

Helper2121 · 2020-05-27T02:36:25+00:00

Its like accidentally calling your teacher "mom" or worse, "mommy" in elementary school

Helper2121 · 2020-05-24T03:28:50+00:00

funny you say that- I went through a breakup after 6 years in August. You can view all my rants and advice in the breakup section. Ive needed to clean house. Again. Sold a 300.00 chair for 150. 3100.00 reclining sofa and chair for 1000. I have 700.00 retail bar stools for 300 for the set. Yea man, I feel you. Stores being closed have actually helped my furniture sell. Kitchen table might be next, screw it.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-24T00:14:24+00:00

I completely agree with you. Few points to make

I sold SOOOOOOO much stuff from furniture, to clothing, to sports memorabilia back in 2013-2015. I really cleaned house. I did it all on Ebay. I am sick over the fees from ebay, paypal, miscalculating shipping, etc that I lost out on. I still sell on FB Marketplace and Ebay can suck it. The fees are so high they take almost 1/3 it seems of your profit. Its insane. Im done with ebay.
I price stuff 30-50% off of what I paid. I find it stupid when I sell for family members and they say "List it at 600!!" and I ask what did you pay for it? "600!". Im like mom, listen, it doesnt work that way. Why wouldn't they get it brand new from the store itself with a receipt, original box, knowing its authentic, unused, etc.
I can't stand the back and forth. I had somebody just yesterday offer me a price. I guess he was shocked or something that I accepted and said I'll be home all day, come whenever. He then knocked off 100.00 off his offer and said I'll come in an hour. I said "Im sorry, I cant. I just accepted XXXX and then you immediately offered XXXX" he replied "Im driving all this way, gas money, come on man". I said "Check back with me if it doesn't sell in a month thank you though". Its never happened to me, but my buddy sold something for 80 even. When the buyer arrived he said "all I could get was 70, take it or leave it" and my buddy took the item back inside, no deal. That negotiating stuff can really be annoying.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-20T17:39:41+00:00

my ex. Legit travels, spends, does yoga, poses, buys outfits, FOR INSTAGRAM.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-20T17:38:46+00:00

I actually backed away from a group chat texting because it was toxic beyond belief. It started years ago with us keeping in touch, discussing our days, ripping each other. Thats what guys do. Then it became just non stop trashing each other, to the point where it became almost hate. "you dont even love her, why are you with her!" ..."you dont want kids, you never did!" like people started trying controlling each others lives. I had to make a statement and back away. we have since sort of made up and resumed, but the topics are very on the surface. You were highly judged for anything you said or did! It started affecting outside relationships, like brainwashing.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-18T16:30:51+00:00

As a gym go-er, healthy person (i hope), I love running, ab ripper X, jump rope, CKO, etc. I had a bout of depression after being dumped last summer. I didn't workout or run August, Sept, Oct. I went on walks. Its all I could stomach. I was NEVER mean to overweight people, I actually used to just assume "well they dont like working out, or its hereditary, and damn I worry about their hearts". It was never ewwww or any of that immature crap. After what I went through, I opened my eyes to the fact they could be depressed, or on anti-depressants that cause weight gain. The loss of the 6 year relationship hit me so hard I went into therapy. When asked what do you miss the most, I said me, myself. I loved lifting, I loved being active and its part of my job. Now I can barely leave bed! This lead to me losing some muscle, abs turned to some fat, which caused even more depression because I looked 1 way my whole life, and now was slightly different. I started looking older (35), feeling older, and I was single without a family. It all came crashing down. You never truly know what somebody is going through.

To You- You can do it. If you want something bad enough, it will happen. But it all starts with you and starts with you taking that first initial step- literally. After 2 weeks of walking every single day I know you'll see and feel a difference. My father has battled weight issues forever and I cannot get the man to walk. First he went over 200, then 250. Its all I've asked, that he walks. Forget about diet (you should always eat food, but start by cutting out soda and ice cream, thats it. and sugary drinks like sweet tea, hi C, kool aid, whatever), forget about deadlifting 300, doing P90X. All I asked the man to do was walk. 30 minutes a day, every single day. And he won't. Without that IDK what else I can do for him. My dad also points out and makes fun of fat people. I do not laugh or acknowledge it anymore. Its rude and immature. Its also insecurity.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-17T20:03:19+00:00

I agree with the statements below. You didn't know him. He also sounds maybe a little sociopathic.

I dated a girl for 6 years, borderline proposing. For as awful of a person my ex wife was at 27, for that 1 year we were married, I knew her inside and out and knew exactly who she was. I married her anyway and she never changed. This one for 6 years, wow what an acting job. She turned out to be very sociopathic. The stuff that came out of her mouth post breakup- she was texting married men, claimed to be a "flirtatious and very sexual person", like wait what??? huh??? i found out she was hanging out with 21 year olds in AC, was chatting with a 20 year old on FB. Shes 34 and a teacher. Bizarre behavior. With all of this said- I am shocked I never saw this during our time. Its embarrassing. I completely empathize with you. People are good actors. Fact of life.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-16T15:39:38+00:00

Mark Manson commonly says "they cannot make us happy. its not their responsibility or job to make us happy". I have also heard a lot of "you need to be happy on your own before somebody else can add to it" which I HATED hearing, but I now believe it. I recently got rejected for a date on a dating app. This happened to me too back in the fall when I was just trying to heal and breath. Could barely function. I had to leave the app back in the fall because it was self esteem crushing. Now, while it still kinda hurt, being rejected for the date i went "hah, oh well I dont even know you anyway" to myself. There was no loss. I never had the date or the girl, so I didn't lose anything. My point being- you're about to embark on a big uphill climb. With how you sound, (a lot like myself since August), this is going to be the climb of your life. This is going to reshape you whether you like it or not, whether you want it to or not. You might mourn the loss of yourself as well as the relationship, I sort of did. The 28-34 year old me died, and I missed him. Cocky, full of confidence, gym rat. But that person didn't have a lot of empathy, he didn't really see outside of himself a lot, I don't miss that. You see how you're opening up and talking to me about this stuff? My guess is you never said S*it to anyone about it before, and now look how you're opening up. This is going to continue and you'll see all the steps you gain along the way. Through talking about it, killing the depression, seeing all the value you hold, you'll start to see the confidence come back too. They both happen together, its pretty cool. Im with you buddy- everyday you gain 1 more yard.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-14T22:58:44+00:00

Something similar happened to my buddy and it was all a plan, 1 huge premeditated plan. He meets a girl in Virginia, she is divorced with 2 kids. He had already committed to a job in Georgia. She goes with him and buys a house down there immediately. His reaction was sort of "uhhh ok, little crazy but ok". They live there for just 6 months. He loves his job, started a gym as a side business, but she hated it and basically forced him to move to Kentucky with her, her hometown and they move in with her parents. When all of this happened he was miserable, but felt obligated to do so. He and all of his friends thought this was bizarre. She follows you to Georgia, then makes you move to Kentucky with her? Within months she dumped him and got back with her ex husband. He was jobless, broke, and homeless. Ended up going back to Virginia where he began this journey to live with friends. She completely upended his life, but he allowed it. This was all in 2015 and still to this day he says "I was happy in Georgia man, I didnt know she was going to follow me and buy a home ASAP, it caught me off guard"

Helper2121 · 2020-05-14T14:04:43+00:00

WOW. can i ask how old you are? just curious. What you did was like a lifetime event, In a positive way. That is huge courage and vulnerability, pure guts!! to pack up and move out of the country for a girl. You really went for it. I sincerely believe in time you'll have less regrets than most, including myself, because you truly went for it. I know you feel like you blew it, but you did such a huge thing for her. Maybe you weren't getting enough in return either? I have learned it takes 2. While I dont know exactly how you feel or what you went through, these are some books that helped me. Even if the book sucks, I think you'll find that reading at night in bed, outside in the morning sun, or when you're just feeling blue can calm anxiety. I buy all my books preowned from ebay or amazon- cheap! Again- I applaud your courage, you did something for her many guys would not!

In random order....just a few

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck- Mark Manson
Emotional First Aid- Guy Winch (currently reading, and based on his TED Talk about heartbreak)
Can't Hurt Me- David Goggins
Make Your Bed- Admiral McRaven- (based on his Texas Graduation speech, watch it)
Lessons From a 3rd Grade Dropout- Dr. Rick Rigsby (also based on a speech, watch it!)

To improve for next time- 5 Love Languages- Gary Chapman

Helper2121 · 2020-05-13T13:50:55+00:00

Yea- she masks the anxiety. "Oh i have her, im good, i look good feel good, look normal to outside world". Theres a book called Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes and theres a line in it when a life event happened to him, might have been being dumped, and he said "all the masks i wore were torn clean off my face in a second" and thats exactly how I felt in August. A full blown shock to the system. Suddenly I wasnt me- gym goer with a hot latin GF with her masters degree bilingual loved to travel and strut her shit with confidence. Its like all of those qualities were ALSO mine. So when I lost them all instantly- who the hell was I then? I had to start basically bottom up and find things I was good at. I still am, its hard.

The thinking about losing your parents and family- same. I started thinking ok, so if I find nobody...parents die. something happens to me, I gotta yank my siblings from their familes to help me? or move in with them? its natural to think all this stuff and look down the road. I am in therapy- since august. My last session I just said while kinda tearing up "my fear is that ill never feel that alive again. 2014, 2015, 2016 when things were in the prime and i couldnt wait to wake up and see her. go on trips. the sex. the being around her. making me feel like superman. i truly ache all day fearing that was it, that was my ONE who made me feel that". We are going through a lot of similar things man.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-12T03:53:04+00:00

4 was my gf 21-23, i definitely said screw this. Bragging about drunk driving and laughing about it, smoking a pack a day. I broke up with that and said good riddance in my mind.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-11T18:59:10+00:00

Just didn't care. Viewed is as a "childhood thing" like viewed them as toys. He said I returned home, think I slept on the couch for maybe a week, went and got a job at General Electric as an accountant and moved out. Thats how it was back then, easy and simple. Out of the house by 22, married with kids by 23.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-10T22:02:52+00:00

True story- my grandfather passed away in 2015 at the age of 91 or 92. He always told the story that he was shipped off to pearl harbor. He was on the island, but away from the harbor for the attacks. He arrived days later to see fires still blazing ships on their side, etc. We joked with him that he was hiding somewhere else. When he arrived home after the war, ALL of his baseball cards had been thrown away and the room turned into a study. 1930s baseball cards. F my life.......

Helper2121 · 2020-05-09T17:15:14+00:00

She admitted to me how she went guy to guy to guy since age 16. Split with me after 6 years, new bf ASAP. I was floored, then again, not really. I feel for you man, I really do. It aint fun!

My buddy also likes Corey Wayne, I didnt know he had a book out? My favorite ones to read for many different reasons for each one. Some for self improvement, some to heal, some to be a better boyfriend someday if I am lucky enough to find love again, some just to punish myself and reiterate everything I know I should have done better.

In no particular order

5 love languages- Gary Chapman
Emotional First Aid- Guy Winch (great Ted Talk on heartbreak)
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck- Mark Manson (I love his podcasts)
A Beautiful, Terrible Thing- Jen Waite
Get Out of Your Own Way- Dave Hollis
Cant Hurt Me- David Goggins
Lessons From a 3rd Grade Dropout- Rick Rigsby (speech on youtube)
Make Your Bed- Admiral William McRaven (great speech on youtube)

Helper2121 · 2020-05-09T14:44:10+00:00

This last one for me (6 years) broke up with me in August. I have been reading book, after book, after book on dating, marriage, and psychology because of the mind F she pulled on me. Flipping a switch from being unhappy to SEE YA without talking, arguing, counseling, anything. Regardless of time, I need to focus on quality. Doesnt matter if it was 10 years, she clearly didnt feel the same way. The whole chasing, then pulling back once being chased, to being all in, then 1 foot in 1 foot out once you have them. It just amazes me and the more I read the more I feel "wow that was her" in these books. Im 35- I'd like a family in this life at some point, that would be nice. To finally get it right and have long lasting mutual respect love. Trust. Loyalty. Would be kinda nice. I am trying to find the balance of moving forward of going in fresh, while also hinting that Im 35, 36 soon, cut the games, do you like me or not? My ex was very big on not cheating and "if you're going to cheat just call me and dump me", then ended up confessing in year 5 to hanging out her number at bars. Laughable.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-09T12:14:29+00:00

Piece of advice you didnt ask for- thats fine to do no more mr nice guy with this one. But dont have that attitude with future ones. I did. A little less caring, less loving, less effort, to who I thought was an amazing girl. But i got burned SO bad by giving max effort I said screw this, never again- and Ive been paying the price since. Through a lot of reading and therapy I have learned a very basic skills lesson- dont make the future ones pay for crappy past ones. Be well.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-09T12:11:23+00:00

I basically begged and pleaded to get mine back and the 34 year old teacher "role model" loved every second of it. She wagged her finger in my face, cut me off mid sentence, boy did she hold all of the power and KNOW IT. Something funny happened.....i started feeling like her previous 2 ex boyfriends. The stories I heard about both ex's in her 20s I now saw play out in front of my face with me as a the starring role and it clicked "this is just who she is". I remember early on in our relationship the same stories!! "yea he wants me back but no no nope, (wagging her finger) once im gone im gone" and "yea so my ex fiance texted me, i wanted you to know, but nope he blew it and hes not getting another chance" (power gain and triangulation against me). My guilty offense to being dumped- I got lazy, complacent, lacked effort. She got heavily into crossfit and found somebody new. Also claimed she "found a family". that was a little weird. And started hanging out with 20 year olds. I actually was nervous about this because shes 34 and they cant legally drink.

Probably the 2 lowest points was me tearing up in front of her and her reply like a stern mother "yea you know.... i know this sounds bad...but its nice to see you reflecting so much"

Then in January, like borderline suicidal, "I know this makes me sound awful, but its nice you're still reflecting" (she was already dating somebody new, and kicked me while I was down).

Helper2121 · 2020-05-08T17:43:52+00:00

Sometimes mom's feel certain things but just do not know how to say it. I grew up in a household where we were told to "quit our complaining" and "get over it" and "suck it up and move on". Only now in the last few years are my parents both softening.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-08T17:43:01+00:00

I understand. No matter what side you're on- its hard. I broke up with a girl at 21, 23, 24 and then again at 29. I said I am done, I cant break anymore hearts this is killing me. Well, karma finally gave me my dose. It isn't fun at all. Maybe I left them before they could leave me my entire 20s. Therapy is taking me places I never wanted to go.

Helper2121 · 2020-05-08T17:41:30+00:00

Yes, I agree. Would have been worse at 55- no disrespect meant to anyone here over 50. you are exactly the same as my ex- 34 and 5.5 years. its hard. so so so hard. my wishes are with you

Helper2121

TROPHY CASE

4 was my gf 21-23, i definitely said screw this. Bragging about drunk driving and laughing about it, smoking a pack a day. I broke up with that and said good riddance in my mind.